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Author Topic: Broken  (Read 279 times)

DBNext

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Broken
« on: August 10, 2018, 11:05:49 am »
Note: It is read from left to right, so those more accustomed to manga than comic books might feel a bit lost.

There was a small local comic book competition I took part in. This was a story I've had in my mind for quite some time, and I felt it best fit the 10-page limit of the competition. My heart wasn't in most of the pages so you'll notice some pages are worse than others. Feel free to give me your thoughts, I'd appreciate them.


















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Orchid

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Re: Broken
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2018, 03:57:46 am »
This one is really good. I liked it a lot.

It hit me at a very personal level.

I would like it to be a little longer, but it still very good. I think maybe it was so good because it was short. So I dont know if it's best to leave it as is

Lumaria

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Re: Broken
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2018, 07:08:51 pm »
i can tell this was a little older and you are more capable now than in the past, so i wont go too detail in some of the issues. I'm also aware the competition had a 10-page limit. There were probably other limitations you had. So i'll review it as if you intend to remake it. (also i have a feeling i've seen it before)

So far its good considering the limitations already mentioned. My main concern is that it wasn't so obvious that the people were wearing masks. He sort of had the ability that he perceives fake people to being something non-human.  I'm personally not a fan of the mask design, but that's not criticism, just adding in my input.

And i may be entirely wrong that its not a mask. So if I'm wrong, you can clarify.

It was hard for me to relate to him just by having his heart broken for seeing someone he didn't know with someone else. It would be more relatable for me if he actually met this person. There is a little bit more room to expand on this even for 10 pages if you are good with panel organizing. For example,  pages 2 and 3 can be merged into a single page, and have a new page dedicated to how they meet and starts to fall in love with her through interaction. (just an example)

I don't know how much of the crosshatching style of shading you use now, but if you are still using it, i recommend looking for other methods of shading to expand your style. You probably didn't have access to screentones or photoshop back then, but i do recommend a little bit of both. It was definitely inconsistent of the main character to have this white shine on his hair for multiple scenes. For example page 1, his hair could've been solid black and the other male character in page 6.

When it comes to rain scenes, lots of manga have different approaches depending on what fits their style. Some manga artist use white ink over black backgrounds, and some use screentones designed for rain. And some do exactly as you did, draw individual lines and grey background (usually screentone). For this manga, since its just a single panel, the rain doesn't have to be so thick. And again, since its just a single panel, i would also recommend the rain not cover too much the background characters as well, just like the main character.

I like the idea of seasons passing by, but make sure you make background characters fit the environment they're in. So if the main character has an umbrella, the other characters in the background should as well. Or maybe show one running with a newspaper above their head.

Lastly I'm sure you are aware of this but i recommend using a different pen for characters in the background for scenes where the main character isn't relatively close to them (or shown connected to be near them). anything with thinner lines to show how much they blend in the background.

This issue is mostly with pages 2, 3 and 5 have this issue a bit. (although page 5 has the issue of not highlighting the female character properly as well). As for page 1 where the main character is actually part of the group and connected to it, i still see layers of that group. The closer the characters are, the cleaner and precise the lines should be. Their outline tends to be thicker as well to show they're closer. So i would definitely clean up the lines for the two characters that are covering up the main character.

Do you intend on remaking this? I think it would leave aa stronger impact if you did. Its definitely a good for 10-page manga competition.

DBNext

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Re: Broken
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2018, 06:15:14 am »
Quote
i can tell this was a little older and you are more capable now than in the past

It's actually a month old. I went through a period of time where I kind of abandoned my artwork, so I'm a bit worse than I was in the past.

You're right about the masks, they were way too detailed and don't really look like masks. It wasn't my intention and I wanted them to be obvious and apparent.

Quote
It was hard for me to relate to him just by having his heart broken for seeing someone he didn't know with someone else

They actually got into a relationship and knew each other for a good while before she broke his heart. Maybe it didn't come across as such because of the limited number of pages.

Quote
Do you intend on remaking this? I think it would leave aa stronger impact if you did. Its definitely a good for 10-page manga competition.

I might remake it in the future but I'm really not that fond of it. I kind of saw it differently in my head and I wasn't able to translate it onto paper in a satisfying way. I'm currently working on "Reverse" so we'll see what happens.

Thanks for the critiques, much appreciated.

Lumaria

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Re: Broken
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2018, 01:06:22 am »
If this was done last month, then i definitely would recommend looking into other forms of shading. i think crosshatchings tyle doesn't work for every panel. Or at least a better technique to crosshatch.

Crackhead Johny

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Re: Broken
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2018, 01:47:13 am »
The art I like.
The story I have seen so many times.

As for the masks. Where do you go with it that hasn't already been done? For masks we've had universal faces, big fake smiles, no faces, smooth faces, glitched faces, morphing faces, etc. (demons faces would be a slightly different piece or slightly different flavor to this one) you could have the masks quickly swapping between the people as they try to act like other people to be accepted.

Looking at the lack of options for something new I say stylize the masks heavily in your style.

Lumaria

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Re: Broken
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2018, 10:40:55 pm »
The art I like.
The story I have seen so many times.

As for the masks. Where do you go with it that hasn't already been done? For masks we've had universal faces, big fake smiles, no faces, smooth faces, glitched faces, morphing faces, etc. (demons faces would be a slightly different piece or slightly different flavor to this one) you could have the masks quickly swapping between the people as they try to act like other people to be accepted.

Looking at the lack of options for something new I say stylize the masks heavily in your style.

if this was supposed to be an original series, you'd be right. this looks more like a test of skill and execution rather than see who can come up with the most original idea. its clearly just a one shot.

but it would be nice to see each mask show something different. that way when he gains his mask, we can see what face he chooses.

« Last Edit: August 30, 2018, 11:12:09 pm by Lumaria »

Crackhead Johny

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Re: Broken
« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2018, 04:54:25 pm »
The art I like.
The story I have seen so many times.

As for the masks. Where do you go with it that hasn't already been done? For masks we've had universal faces, big fake smiles, no faces, smooth faces, glitched faces, morphing faces, etc. (demons faces would be a slightly different piece or slightly different flavor to this one) you could have the masks quickly swapping between the people as they try to act like other people to be accepted.

Looking at the lack of options for something new I say stylize the masks heavily in your style.

if this was supposed to be an original series, you'd be right. this looks more like a test of skill and execution rather than see who can come up with the most original idea. its clearly just a one shot.

but it would be nice to see each mask show something different. that way when he gains his mask, we can see what face he chooses.
The problem with the "everyone wears a mask" shtick is that people want to blend so their masks are generic.

Of course the giant failing with this is the fact his "other human" was clearly wearing a mask as that allowed them to behave like all the other mask wearers. So the MC was not seeing anything true, and they never found another human before they put on the mask.

This is a problem with recycling other people's content, you have to understand it to do it properly. When you are just stealing bits, often they do not work when you do not understand them.

I would like to see the art paired with a story of its quality. The art is already a step above what all the "want to be" manga artists cap out at. I suspect the artist is younger which suggests they have a great future and may go pro.
« Last Edit: September 29, 2018, 05:04:01 pm by Crackhead Johny »

Tara

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Re: Broken
« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2018, 02:41:19 pm »
It would've been more interesting if the protagonist was actually wearing a mask that looked like a normal face. And then once his face is "broken" it reveals the grotesque face was underneath the whole time. As if he was wrong or blatantly lying(that sounds delicious) about who was wearing a mask.

Now that would be something.

As many have said, the artwork stands leagues above the story. The hatching style works will with grotesque subject matter so I really enjoy it there. In short, it's beautiful.

Crackhead Johny

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Re: Broken
« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2018, 06:31:14 pm »
While you could have him walking through life grabbing the mask of the person closest to himself and putting it on leaving both of them wearing the same mask this would represent the MC being a sociopath or a psychopath (depending on created or born that way). While this would show how he moves through life blending but not belonging the writer has to understand that his MC is a sociopath (not that there is anything wrong with that) and that this is still played out.

You could have the MC going through the world placing masks on people as commentary about the currently levels of politics-media-"human" functionality/autonomy but I'm not sure where you go from there without reaching into the plagiarism/cliche' bag. 
You could shonen it up and have them fight/struggle with other characters for control of the emotional mob but you are in dark territory that most people do not like if you go there. On the upside, writing in the uncomfortable zone leads to less chance of just recycling other people's stuff and less chance of getting noticed when you do.

Orchid

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Re: Broken
« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2019, 08:15:04 pm »
When read this I really liked it buteveryone else made good points too on how to improve it. I didnt consider some of these. I think because I watreating itlike a proof of concept.


 

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