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Author Topic: Broken  (Read 274 times)

Lumaria

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Re: Broken
« on: August 11, 2018, 07:08:51 pm »
i can tell this was a little older and you are more capable now than in the past, so i wont go too detail in some of the issues. I'm also aware the competition had a 10-page limit. There were probably other limitations you had. So i'll review it as if you intend to remake it. (also i have a feeling i've seen it before)

So far its good considering the limitations already mentioned. My main concern is that it wasn't so obvious that the people were wearing masks. He sort of had the ability that he perceives fake people to being something non-human.  I'm personally not a fan of the mask design, but that's not criticism, just adding in my input.

And i may be entirely wrong that its not a mask. So if I'm wrong, you can clarify.

It was hard for me to relate to him just by having his heart broken for seeing someone he didn't know with someone else. It would be more relatable for me if he actually met this person. There is a little bit more room to expand on this even for 10 pages if you are good with panel organizing. For example,  pages 2 and 3 can be merged into a single page, and have a new page dedicated to how they meet and starts to fall in love with her through interaction. (just an example)

I don't know how much of the crosshatching style of shading you use now, but if you are still using it, i recommend looking for other methods of shading to expand your style. You probably didn't have access to screentones or photoshop back then, but i do recommend a little bit of both. It was definitely inconsistent of the main character to have this white shine on his hair for multiple scenes. For example page 1, his hair could've been solid black and the other male character in page 6.

When it comes to rain scenes, lots of manga have different approaches depending on what fits their style. Some manga artist use white ink over black backgrounds, and some use screentones designed for rain. And some do exactly as you did, draw individual lines and grey background (usually screentone). For this manga, since its just a single panel, the rain doesn't have to be so thick. And again, since its just a single panel, i would also recommend the rain not cover too much the background characters as well, just like the main character.

I like the idea of seasons passing by, but make sure you make background characters fit the environment they're in. So if the main character has an umbrella, the other characters in the background should as well. Or maybe show one running with a newspaper above their head.

Lastly I'm sure you are aware of this but i recommend using a different pen for characters in the background for scenes where the main character isn't relatively close to them (or shown connected to be near them). anything with thinner lines to show how much they blend in the background.

This issue is mostly with pages 2, 3 and 5 have this issue a bit. (although page 5 has the issue of not highlighting the female character properly as well). As for page 1 where the main character is actually part of the group and connected to it, i still see layers of that group. The closer the characters are, the cleaner and precise the lines should be. Their outline tends to be thicker as well to show they're closer. So i would definitely clean up the lines for the two characters that are covering up the main character.

Do you intend on remaking this? I think it would leave aa stronger impact if you did. Its definitely a good for 10-page manga competition.

 

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