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Author Topic: You're Not Real  (Read 1727 times)

Lumaria

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Re: You're Not Real
« on: June 19, 2017, 08:42:39 am »
I don't know if it's a happy coincidence that we have another character in our story to share a name. As I have a character named Grayson. You have it as Grayson. Last time is was Lucia with Lunacy. I passed it off the first time as a coincidence. But I'm becoming very wary at this point as we are both using the name as a first name when it's normally a last name.


Onto your story: I do want to stress that I do prefer you finishing this story because unlike your other stories you don't have a supernatural fantasy world that you focus too much on revealing and forget what the most important part of writing, characters. But if it's not a Mary sue it is the problem in reverse. You give characters such horrible personalities with no redeemable qualities.

Now Your characters however are so wrong in so many ways. You have a tendency to tell us rather than show us. Which is a problem.

Why should I care about Nicole, Brian or Jeremy? These characters just don't feel like they have distinct personalities other than trying to sound as High school as possible. Their dialogue is either very stiff or very immature.

Like I said you have very HATABLE characters. I always end up hating your characters and part of the reason why is because you don't develop them well. You used to show off Mary sue characters. Characters that has literally no defining flaw they need to work on and everyone gravitated to them for no reason. You still tend to do that with your fantasy based stories.

You use a lot of small talk with these characters but nothing really happens. There's nothing moving the story forward. And your character Jeremy really feels like he has a mental issue. He is clearly not all there. Even if the 1% chance of Amerie being a real person in some way, everything he has done feels wrong.

And now we have another character who has imaginary friend? How old are these people? Are they in high school? If so it's definitely weird and wrong to have imaginary friends.

EDIT:
I also recommend adding in as much detail as possible in the descriptions and actions these characters do. Even if you know it's there it doesn't mean much to me if I don't see what is going on. The simple change in scenery is important. In the end this script will not be enough for an artist. You will habe to draw a name or a manuscript for the artist to follow.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2017, 12:00:58 pm by Lumaria »

 

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