Manga Mavericks

Communal Avenue => Coffee House => Topic started by: Lumaria on March 29, 2016, 04:17:12 am


Title: lost a friend
Post by: Lumaria on March 29, 2016, 04:17:12 am
Recently a close friend of mine has taken her life and I have not been able to cope.


I tried coming in and making topics but in the end it just didn't work. My friend was heavily introvert but she had a passion for anime/manga as well.

She particularly had a fondness for editing Wikipedia and writing books with what she called her own version of romance. I'm not sure what to think of this. My friend didnt just end her life with all of us wondering what were her final thoughts. She left several reasons as to why in a letter directed to her parents. She felt like people were only here to bring her down. She elaborated on key events when she thought she could achieve something and what she called society would find a way to stop her. Her last written thoughts became darker and mentioned how she felt so irrelevant to the world she wanted to be part of.

I never knew how impactful a suicide note can be up until now. I thought I had some idea but it just doesn't compare. I don't have easy access to it but I keep asking myself what exactly she meant in certain areas. she was the type to keep it to herself. No matter how many times I asked she would say she's OK. 

But of course I'm blaming myself for not finding the best method to reach her.

Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: guest4 on March 30, 2016, 08:58:44 pm
Sorry for your loss ... Also , don't put too much blame on yourself . I don't feel like mentioning this on the internet but I'll make this the ONLY exception & only on this forum .

Just like your friend , I am too a victim of this suicidal thoughts & thus I know first hand what it is & how dangerous it is to those who're inflicted by such mental strain . So , I'll give a brief background on this , from a person who is still struggling from this but still able to keep it at bay (Thus , living a somewhat normal life) , at least .

Suicidalists (if there were ever such group terminology) are a group suffering from a very advance form of social withdrawal & depression caused by the accumulated negativity (Fear , hate , distrust , etc.) inflicted by anything or anyone around the victim , mainly close friends , relatives & even their own family . One can refute that these people shouldn't fear you & you're willing to help out on their problem but they would beg to differ . I may not be able to speak for those in general but when it comes down to the main reasons for that usually had something to do with their dark (general) history , past life & even current life that usually leads them to losing their will to live on entirely (not even a single trace of it) .

This suicidal feelings will keep growing - it feeds & thrives from it as long as the source persists , building up 'toxins' . This 'toxin' will cloud one's rational judgement & their perception of the world & the people's actions & reactions . It floods their mind with negative assumptions & thoughts & when it gets too much , it'll reap the victims off their senses and/or distort them at the slightest of touch , usually unwillingly and/or unsuspectingly .

This is what made it a very dangerous mental ailment to the victim & most feared , whether to themselves or to others who only knows of it when it comes too late in time . The sufferer unconsciously and/or instinctively hides all the pain & trauma so efficiently , even they themselves won't even know of it while they go on with their lives like any normal human being until it starts to overflow & only then , the victim realizes it , only that it's too late to fix it by themselves (emptying it in one shot always leads them to suffering unwanted mental illness like depression & recluse-like symptoms) . Common sense would tell these people to seek help but by the time they often realizes it , it'll probably would've affected them to a certain extent . It's so well kept hidden time bomb , waiting to explode on a touch of a button , ever so tempting ...

The drive to kill oneself may be short-lived after it's being triggered but that little time is all it needs to push the victims into ending their own life if no action is taken to prevent it . I can tell you for sure that during this time , the victim feels little to no fear whatsoever in ending their own lives ... this terrifies me until this day . Because of this , I'm not inclined to ask from you for the note your friend left behind to help decipher it because if anything , as one of the ongoing victim myself , the mere thought of 'feeling' it may possibly & unconsciously drive me to do the same as well . But whatever it is , someone pushed that 'button' ... and I don't think it's you .

So again , don't blame yourself . Even experts had a lot of hard time spotting them , let alone fixing it due to 'its' nature & what it can do to an individual .

This is what I can spew out & the only time I will do so & in such place , from my experience first hand . Feel free to ask me for anything . I'll try to devote what's little of my time (been inactive for a really long time) answering the best I can .
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Lumaria on March 31, 2016, 01:49:18 am
Thanks. Its hard not to but I'll give it an honest try.



When I was writing a story it had similar elements to  what was going on. I realized I was putting my personal experience into this story.

Which is why I've been delaying so much. I guess I was really here to say sorry I've been away but I was secretly asking for some help.

Thanks for sharing. I hope those suicidal thoughts don't come back. I get them myself every now and then but I personally found a way to manage it. A little less recently but still in control.
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: guest4 on March 31, 2016, 03:36:02 am
Suicidal thoughts are always persistent as long the cause remains in their life (And often times severe) & will remain till the source is cut off from their personal life or in a psychiatric solution , found a new reason to live on . So I don't think you're suffering from it . If anything , what you're going through is close to a Post-traumatic syndrome as you're grieving for the lost of a close friend . Either way , if what you're going through somehow seeps through into your daily life & personal work , seek consultation help as it's a sign that your symptom had started increasing in intensity/severity .
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Orchid on March 31, 2016, 01:30:22 pm
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost someone close to me a few years ago.

I actually had to go to therapy. It really helped me. I would recommend it if what DeAngelus says is true for you. I was too ashamed and added to my depression.

I can see you are having a harder time considering the circumstances. So I definitely recommend taking therapy. It hasn't gone away. If you need a break from My that'll be OK. So long as you get better.

We care!
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Crackhead Johny on April 01, 2016, 01:37:48 pm
But of course I'm blaming myself for not finding the best method to reach her.
Well hopefully this is because this is the first or second you have lost this way.

Eventually you may be able to read those who are not long for the world. The the alarming shocks will just be the ones you never saw coming.
You may not be able to save any of them because most of the ones who are serious will never talk about it.

The best I can do for those who are healthy and want to die is to let them know that they are now free, they have won. There is nothing left holding them back. No failure is worse than death, and they crave death, so there is now no risk they cannot take. There is no number of failures that will make them stop trying to achieve something. While others run from danger, they can now run towards it. They stand between the gun and those who do not want to die. They can be a god, they may even end up a hero, they still may not live very long. IN simplest terms they are now Batman.

Of course if they do out live their young and suicidal years they may carry that death wish with them for the rest of their lives. They have to accept that some day the cops may knock at their spouse's door and explain that they protected someone from a group of armed men and didn't live through it this time.
If they were honest their spouse will have already accepted that this could happen but they both know that spouse will be angry and alone when it happens.
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Lumaria on April 02, 2016, 10:10:33 pm
I'm just going to take a break. I'm not ready to read these kind of things at this moment.
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: guest4 on April 03, 2016, 12:53:13 am
The best I can do for those who are healthy and want to die is to let them know that they are now free, they have won. There is nothing left holding them back. No failure is worse than death, and they crave death, so there is now no risk they cannot take. There is no number of failures that will make them stop trying to achieve something. While others run from danger, they can now run towards it. They stand between the gun and those who do not want to die. They can be a god, they may even end up a hero, they still may not live very long. IN simplest terms they are now Batman.

Of course if they do out live their young and suicidal years they may carry that death wish with them for the rest of their lives. They have to accept that some day the cops may knock at their spouse's door and explain that they protected someone from a group of armed men and didn't live through it this time.
If they were honest their spouse will have already accepted that this could happen but they both know that spouse will be angry and alone when it happens.
I think the quote above is more closely meant for the heroes who fight for causes greater than their sole life , like soldiers & radical movement leaders or revolutionists like Mathanda Gandhi , Martin Luther King & Nelson Mandela . The topic in hand however are driven by unimportantness in living on . So yeah , two different things ...

I'm just going to take a break. I'm not ready to read these kind of things at this moment.
You'll need it . Good luck recovering !
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Crackhead Johny on April 07, 2016, 03:27:14 pm
I think the quote above is more closely meant for the heroes who fight for causes greater than their sole life , like soldiers & radical movement leaders or revolutionists like Mathanda Gandhi , Martin Luther King & Nelson Mandela . The topic in hand however are driven by unimportantness in living on . So yeah , two different things ...
No one will ever put a statue of me up or name something after me, but for a long time when someone with a gun showed up with the intentions of "killing everyone here" I was the one that people went running for. Someone got **** by someone with a gun, I was the one they went to for justice. When someone was going to stab a stranger I was the one to work it out with them. When someone got beaten by a group of men, that person would come to me to get their wallet back. When someone was getting beaten by their SO I was the one who fixed it. Nazi skinheads, there were none left in my state (had help from another punk who liked hunting them).
My parents raised me as hated and expendable and I have lived that way ever since. I am the acceptable casualty level.
I was not MLK, I was someone who didn't care about living. In hindsight, I was Batman.

So I know VERY well what I said and it doesn't have anything to do with "the heroes who fight for causes greater than their sole life".
Soldiers? Do not make me laugh. "Welfare with a gun" just forwards corporate interests, while the Atlantic and Pacific keep America safe.

I also meant what I said about that death wish never completely leaving.
I consider myself very happy these days but just a few months back a guy started smashing out the windows of a car across the street and my wife had to drag me back into the house to keep me from fixing the problem.
Once she was back in the house and distracted by our guests, I snuck back out and found the people across the street had now come out and were looking at the car. Her abusive ex was stalking her and her kid, he apparently had a knife. Bare foot, in the snow, I went looking for him and didn't find him.
A few years ago I lost my data eidetic memory when a group of guys beat me with bats... I suspect I also lost 20-30 IQ points.

I have a friend I can talk to during the bad times, when I plan to go to bad places and find bad people. He is good at talking me out of it. He calms the mania that kicks in, I'm so alive when it kicks in.
When you survive too many times, you go looking for worse and worse situations.

So when I offer up the "be batman" argument it is just to keep them alive for today and hopefully get the time to work things out for themselves. I honest to god, hope they find a better solution than becoming me.
If they do die, hopefully it is saving someone who wanted to live.
It is so much better to save someone who wants to live, than to just eat a gun in a fast food parking lot.
I have had so many many friends kill themselves pointlessly.
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: guest4 on April 08, 2016, 02:24:09 am
I was not MLK, I was someone who didn't care about living. In hindsight, I was Batman.

So I know VERY well what I said and it doesn't have anything to do with "the heroes who fight for causes greater than their sole life".
Soldiers? Do not make me laugh. "Welfare with a gun" just forwards corporate interests, while the Atlantic and Pacific keep America safe.
I'm talking about soldiers in general , more specifically their portrayal to the public - their heroic deeds by putting their lifes on the line to ensure their homeland & the population are safe to live another day , similar to firemen , police officers & the more unrealistically , superheroes like Batman & Superman . Likewise , I'm roughly on the same page with you on that .

But all of this don't matter at all for the case highlighted in this thread . They don't want & bother about anything but ending their lives . If you can somehow convince them to be the next Batman , be my guest . I would like to see it possible , though it'll be highly unlikely ...

EDIT : I never knew you had such a different picture about soldiers ...
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Orchid on April 09, 2016, 01:43:54 pm
I just want to say that even though Lumaria has strong opinions, what has recently happened should be taken lightly.

She's been busy meeting with families and setting up other things I'm sure she wouldn't allow me to divulge.

Anyways, I think we need a different outlook here. We have to support ourselves and others.
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Crackhead Johny on April 09, 2016, 11:48:37 pm

EDIT : I never knew you had such a different picture about soldiers ...
In PR1(PR event 1) (AKA: Iraq 1) I was going to sneak into Iraq (I had a follower who was going to join me) to make sure my marine buddies did not die(They didn't get called in, so my life savings got spent on booze rather than smuggling).

As for "soldiers" it is mind control from the rich making the poor make them richer. The poor get a pat on the head and the rich giggle... And then there are the "bad ones" where soldering just keeps America safe at the expense of other people (people like this have taught me "never kill someone with a bayonet".. You seriously.. do not want to know why).

I got in my first knife fight at 9 years old, for god sakes!!!
Summed up: his knife was dull and I didn't bleed much. I got a free knife.
The he cried to his mom about the beating. His mom bitched at my grandma. I took a beating from my grand parents and had to give the knife back.
Such is life. They are both dead now so don't fret about that.

Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Crackhead Johny on April 10, 2016, 12:04:22 am
I just want to say that even though Lumaria has strong opinions, what has recently happened should be taken lightly.

She's been busy meeting with families and setting up other things I'm sure she wouldn't allow me to divulge.

Anyways, I think we need a different outlook here. We have to support ourselves and others.
To me, she said there was a 4% chance she was going to kill herself.

I wanted to offer options where she could help the species.
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: guest4 on April 13, 2016, 03:26:01 am

EDIT : I never knew you had such a different picture about soldiers ...
In PR1(PR event 1) (AKA: Iraq 1) I was going to sneak into Iraq (I had a follower who was going to join me) to make sure my marine buddies did not die(They didn't get called in, so my life savings got spent on booze rather than smuggling).

As for "soldiers" it is mind control from the rich making the poor make them richer. The poor get a pat on the head and the rich giggle... And then there are the "bad ones" where soldering just keeps America safe at the expense of other people (people like this have taught me "never kill someone with a bayonet".. You seriously.. do not want to know why).

I got in my first knife fight at 9 years old, for god sakes!!!
Summed up: his knife was dull and I didn't bleed much. I got a free knife.
The he cried to his mom about the beating. His mom bitched at my grandma. I took a beating from my grand parents and had to give the knife back.
Such is life. They are both dead now so don't fret about that.
Money & some form of corruption & conspiracy , huh ...

I'll just take your word & agree for now . Military & politics ain't my field of expertise & I'm not that interested it getting to know more .
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Orchid on April 14, 2016, 02:19:45 am
I still think we have the wrong point of view here. I'm jot sure if Lumaria is reading this but let's take some time to support her through this rough patch.

I'm sure when you vent with friends you want a little comfort. Anyways, I won't close this thread unless Lumaria tells me so. But let's try to provide the best kind words we can possibly give.

I'm seeing Lumaria delete a few threads here and there on her own though so I won't act on it.
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Crackhead Johny on May 11, 2016, 12:47:09 am
I'll say anything I can, that is true, if I can make sure that Jim Carroll's "People Who Died" is my theme song and not anyone else's.
Title: Re: lost a friend
Post by: Lumaria on May 29, 2016, 03:24:07 pm
OK I'm back, but honestly. Your views are a little more twisted then you think.

On not in a good place but you're not helping and if you truly want to help, then maybe learn how first.