Manga Mavericks

Develop Your Skills => Develop Your Story => Topic started by: Tara on May 23, 2017, 03:38:41 am


Title: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 23, 2017, 03:38:41 am
A UE4 video game project of mine. A unique blend of fighting game and moba. However, where mobas are focused on destroying structures, Blade Regalia is focused on capturing an objective like popular first person shooters. A genre only a handful of games have ever touched on.

And here, the official story behind Blade Regalia, its characters and game mechanics.

The people of this world draw power from their clothing called "Regalia". However, not all clothing is regalia. Regalia must be crafted using techniques that have been forgotten over the years. Even to draw power from a regalia, the clothing must fit the wearer perfectly, now the only regalia left are relics distributed among those who can fit it and stored by the world leaders.

Chapter 1 Part 1 (http://mangamavericks.createaforum.com/develop-your-story/blade-regalia/msg2137/#msg2137) 5th Edition
Chapter 1 Part 2 (http://mangamavericks.createaforum.com/develop-your-story/blade-regalia/msg2138/#msg2138) 5th Edition
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 23, 2017, 03:45:15 am
Chapter 1: The Draft
Prologue
Spoiler (hover to show)

Exposition
Spoiler (hover to show)

Chapter 1
Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: guest4 on May 23, 2017, 09:27:58 am
Quote
A UE4 video game project of mine. A unique blend of fighting game and moba. However, where mobas are focused on destroying structures, Blade Regalia is focused on capturing an objective like popular first person shooters. A genre only a handful of games have ever touched on.
MOBA = Multiplayer Online Battle Arena = Fighting game . Nothing unique there .

League of Legends and Heroes of the Storm . There aren't much MOBA games out there so even two games sample is more than enough of a size . Also , I don't see the defined difference in destroying structures and capturing an objective in MOBA games that would make it revolutionary .
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 23, 2017, 02:08:53 pm
Quote
A UE4 video game project of mine. A unique blend of fighting game and moba. However, where mobas are focused on destroying structures, Blade Regalia is focused on capturing an objective like popular first person shooters. A genre only a handful of games have ever touched on.
MOBA = Multiplayer Online Battle Arena = Fighting game . Nothing unique there .

League of Legends and Heroes of the Storm . There aren't much MOBA games out there so even two games sample is more than enough of a size . Also , I don't see the defined difference in destroying structures and capturing an objective in MOBA games that would make it revolutionary .

That's what I thought too. However I have only found 1 game that operates that way. In fact, while the acronym of MOBA is very ambiguous, it literally means League of Legends. League of Legends uses what we call tab-target. In a tab target game you do not have control over most of your characters actions. In an action game you have control over all of your characters actions.

What I mean is, tab target games supplement those abilities for stats like "Critical Rate" and "Evasion rate" whereas instead of actually having the ability to evade an attack, you have to deal with random chance of evading which is based on your evasion rate. In an action game you are responsible for causing your character to physically avoid the hitbox of an attack.

Smite is very close except it still uses critical rate. In an FPS game, your critical rate is actually how often you can land a headshot. So technically it's your responsibility to land a critical attack, not the random number generator in the game. What this means is that Blade Regalia is a unique blend of Mortal Kombat and Overwatch.

Even still it is incredibly rare to see a game classified as a MOBA that uses objectives instead of structures and minions. Objective, as in stand on the objective, ensure the enemy does not stand on the objective. There are actually hundreds of MOBA, The biggest moba esport title is Defense of The Ancients 2. The biggest esport title of any game is Counter Strike Global Offensive. My goal is to combine these two giants.

I would actually consider MOBA the next generation of MMORPG because all it does is take the MMORPGs and put it into a team vs team scenario where both teams are symmetrical. MMORPG pvp has always suffered in the fact that you rarely have two symmetrical individuals dueling one another because of their differences in gear and how much it affects their ability to win a duel.

This is what Blade Regalia would look like
Spoiler (hover to show)
This is what a MOBA looks like
Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on May 23, 2017, 02:29:18 pm
I'm not too concerned by the game you are making and more about the story. I read it. It isn't clear what is going on. I would normally treat this as a chapter 0 or prologue where the next chapter is where the story begins but it seems like the story wants to continue directly from this point.


So I recommend continuing writing until it feels comolete. I dont know who are the main characters are or the objective of the story.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 23, 2017, 04:18:11 pm
I'm not too concerned by the game you are making and more about the story. I read it. It isn't clear what is going on. I would normally treat this as a chapter 0 or prologue where the next chapter is where the story begins but it seems like the story wants to continue directly from this point.


So I recommend continuing writing until it feels complete. I dont know who are the main characters are or the objective of the story.

I think you're very correct. This chapter left off right where I would introduce the actual protagonist, that is, the girl who wears the Blade Regalia. I think I will continue it a bit further or make it more like a prologue.

The lore of this game is fun to work with but I don't want to step on Kill La Kill's toes with clothing based supernatural powers. I want to take it more towards the becoming-like-God direction than the usual separating-us-from-animals direction.

The game itself is fully fleshed out, so I was interested in taking a very open ended approach to include all of the things that are meant to happen.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on May 23, 2017, 04:59:27 pm
This looks like it's combining both Kill la Kill and Akame ga Kill. I'm not sure what tot think of it. The idea of regalia isn't new and pretty generic. If you can somehow give them a unique backstory then it might be interesting but so far nothing is really drawing me in because I don't know what the appeal of the story is.

It seems like you want the appeal to be about the regalia.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 23, 2017, 08:39:18 pm
To me I would say the appeal is how the regalia steers reality in a different direction. A big part of the Regalia is that the clothes have to be tailored to the wearer. So biologically the clothes fit, but maybe mentally, the clothes don't fit at all. We use clothing as a means of expression and when you're in a situation like this you're wearing it for a functional purpose, they may be sending the wrong message about you as a person.

Lucius for instance, wears the Crusader regalia. He's the second highest governing official in the theocracy of Sanctum. Ideally the leader of a church is someone who actually believes in the things he speaks about, but Lucius is not faithful in neither the prophet nor the God he preaches about. Probably the least faithful in all of Sanctum. He looks like he is, dresses like he is, talks like he is, but he doesn't act like he is.

Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, but it's not a duck. That's going to be a recurring theme not necessarily in characters like Dana because her regalia is brand new and tailored for her. It's not always going to be a religious thing. The protagonist is going to struggle with this same problem, but in a different way. There will be 3 other people who are also called to wear clothes from that exalted wardrobe. They're each going to be different things, it won't be 4 different dresses.

A lot of anime do like to use the term regalia especially when referring to a set of clothing. But in Blade Regalia, "regalia" adheres more to the broadness of the actual term. It could be any accessory that is a part of anyone's fashion. It could be a parasol, a cane, a ring, a necklace and it's not relative to how many strands of regalia fibers are in it. A single ring could be as powerful as the entire Blade Regalia dress.

With Helen it's sort of the opposite, she has the mental state to do more than her biology would allow her to do because she's so young.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Orchid on May 24, 2017, 01:16:33 am
I just read it. I thinking a good start. The idea sounds basic IMO. Not that it's a bad thing but I'll leave the reviewing to the others. I'll let you know how I feel about it when you add more.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: guest4 on May 24, 2017, 07:55:38 am
Seeing that it's a story for the game as opposed to a story that had a game as one of it's main setting , I'll leave it as that . Otherwise , I won't hesitate to highlight the fallacies you had stated there . Let's just say that it'll a counter-argument from a gamer myself who plays mainly MMO and MOBA games .

Like Lumaria had already mentioned earlier , I didn't give my thoughts on the story simply because it's too early and too incomplete to give one . So , ditto on that . I got a notion that you might fall into the same mistakes you've did with your previous story , but that's just me .
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on May 24, 2017, 11:01:44 pm
If you have seen Akame Ga Kill it does practically the same concept but it doesn't focus on the Imperial Arms. So far you haven't done a good job drawing readers in with what you want them to care. The very basics of this world are missing and nothing seems to fit.

I definitely don't think it's a good idea to have a direct reference to the Bible so quickly without giving a full break down of that lore and how it shaped the story. Hinting the lore of the world and not giving us the basic layout adds a huge gap. I don't even think you need the reference of Eve/snake. There's a huge disconnect from that to the current situation you're showing off.

Quickly naming the regalia also doesn't have a strong appeal but it tells me you are already invested in them before we get any build up to them or why they're interesting . I simply not gravitated to them at all, First of you described or restricted to armor or clothing. So I already know all regalia is going to be something they wear.

To have a story focus on regalia just seems off. I think Regalia should naturally be interesting but it doesn't seem natural In this story. In Akame Ga Kill, Imperial Arms are simply instruments to a more important story. What Akame Ga Kill truly focuses on is how dark the world can be and how corrupt it can be. They  explained Imperial Arms fairly quickly but never feel like you're missing information.

If you're trying to adapt a video game story into a manga or comic. I'm already going to tell you that no one will read it because it for the story. People read those adaptations to see if they can find any differences from the original game or get some slight insight on it. But never to see if the story is good.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 25, 2017, 12:36:27 am
@Lumaria
I can see where you're coming from. I suppose I overlooked the fact that the appeal is the game itself and people are going to be attracted to it only because of the game and it serves a much more functional purpose than a regular narrative.

Religion is a big thing and even though religious believers can actually see tangible results from their beliefs I do want for to be a grey area and a question of faith. The regalia, as far as a fantasy world is concerned is scientifically explainable and other religions will be introduced who will also have tangible results for their believers.

In the way that you mentioned for akame ga kill, I would say the focus is on religious subjects such as faith and the struggles of a religious lifestyle and martyrdom. I'll definitely try to focus more on that. The allusion to the fall of man is meant to create that correlation between the regalia and sin, that it serves their desire to be like God.

@DeAngelus
You seem to have a lot of hostility towards me. Maybe you're unaware of it, maybe you're not. I did not lash out at you, I'd like it if you did not lash out at me.

You're wrong about blade regalia it is a rare genre. I very recently found the name for it "MOFG". Not a name, the name. Multiplayer Online Fighting Game. Very very similar to For Honor (I can't say for sure I've never played for honor). Same genre as Archeblade. I'm not trying to be hostile, I'm trying to be blunt. You're wrong. You can look at the videos if you feel otherwise.

If you are under the impression that League of Legends and Archeblade are played exactly the same way, then I have to disagree. If you are under the impression that MOBAs are few and far between (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_multiplayer_online_battle_arena_games), then I have to strongly disagree. It's okay to be wrong about something even if you don't like me. It's okay.

There are about 30 MOBAs on that list vs maybe 4 MOFGs ever to be released. 2 of them by indie studios, Archeblade and Blade Symphony. I know because I love playing these types of games but nobody makes them because they're too busy copying DotA2. I would play For Honor, but the price is a bit higher than my interest in it.

MOBA devs are starting to figure out that this is where they need to start heading. Right now china is working on a MOBA called wildfire. It's still got the boring minions and structures, but the combat is very at home to many fighting game players. Not to mention Gigantic taking some elements of FPS combat.

Color Coding
This discussion is ultimately constructive.
This discussion is ultimately destructive.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: guest4 on May 25, 2017, 11:31:20 am
@DeAngelus
You seem to have a lot of hostility towards me. Maybe you're unaware of it, maybe you're not. I did not lash out at you, I'd like it if you did not lash out at me.
Quote
If you are under the impression that League of Legends and Archeblade are played exactly the same way, then I have to disagree. If you are under the impression that MOBAs are few and far between (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_multiplayer_online_battle_arena_games), then I have to strongly disagree. It's okay to be wrong about something even if you don't like me. It's okay.
Quote
Color Coding
This discussion is ultimately constructive.
This discussion is ultimately destructive.
Wait , what ? Woah there ! Since when did I ever lash out there ? When would I have such impressions you assume it would be ? You're making too early of a conclusion .

Now , all of what you did above rubs off as borderline 'passive aggressive' and snarky . That's just you still unable to swallow hard facts given to you on the previous issue and get past it yourself . I'm giving you what I know and know is proven facts (I won't give rumors and gossips as critique/feedback) . You're going to have to take it head on again if the game manages to make debut and I'm sure one or two known game critic I've heard of would not go easy on you .

I would take a risky shot (the word 'garmble' seems to be censored) and go completely off-topic by presenting my counter-argument , but coupled with the above and this :

Quote
There are about 30 MOBAs on that list vs maybe 4 MOFGs ever to be released. 2 of them by indie studios, Archeblade and Blade Symphony. I know because I love playing these types of games but nobody makes them because they're too busy copying DotA2. I would play For Honor, but the price is a bit higher than my interest in it.
That came after this :

Quote
There are actually hundreds of MOBA, The biggest moba esport title is Defense of The Ancients 2.
I wouldn't even bother giving anymore factual thoughts on this matter (Not going to deal with this anymore with someone whom I had to paint myself as the villain in the previous incident) . These are from your words you've typed out yourself and you somehow made that correction after things got heated up when I made my second post on the same post where you refer me to a link I've known of and been there since I've made my first post .

Here , let me give you a secret - I'm not perfect . I too do not know just how many MOBA games are there in total (but I already know there ain't much) . So I immediately start doing some researching and better absorb all of the knowledge on it before I commit myself to a counter-argument .

I'm not always all-knowing .

You , however , made that flub by providing along with the post with the correction the link tells me clearly that :

a) You did not do any form of research before committing yourself to a project and/or you're just not doing it properly/trying harder at all because all you refer me is to a wiki page , which I will assume that it's one of the very , very few source of your references for research purpose .
b) You only use/do your research out of self-defense and/or when you're cornered , which happened before in the previous incident . Otherwise , you probably had no clue at all what you're doing and/or saying .
c) You're being pretentious whenever there are people coming at you with a counter-argument by attempting to throw claims that gets nonsensical as time passes by .
d) You seek/wanted to be in the right . So you showcase that haphazardly and piously tell off someone who had the better experience's argument as inferior , to the point that it can become a religious preaching from you . If it's wrong , we'll tell you because we know it's wrong . If it's right , we won't even open our mouth about it and just nod our heads .

Okay , let's just say that you are a gamer yourself and you're more hard-core than me (not that difficult , I'm very casual of a gamer) . If you are , why did you hit a lot of the 'SAO' fallacies on your previous story ?

Unless the game and the story are an entity like your previous story is , stop with the games thing with me right after this post and I'll definitely stop , but I already did - I've made myself clear there before .

Now please , get back and complete up your story .
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 25, 2017, 05:56:40 pm
@DeAngelus
Alright then I agree that statement was a bit of an exaggeration. But it seems like there's a new MOBA every week on mobile.

You're kind of strawmaning me a bit a here though.

a) the types of things I have been researching are not the game industry, but game development. I'm not the only one behind this project, but my job is to build it. As with all things I do, blade regalia exists because it doesn't exist. If another game company was willing to make blade regalia I would put everything down and gladly play it.

You said nothing new here to which I argued it is indeed a rare genre. The game itself is a combination of Mortal Kombat and Overwatch. I called it MOBA because I didn't know there was a better name for it because there are so few games in this genre that there isn't a well known name for it.

If you asked me a question about UE4 It'd probably be easier for me to answer. If you asked me a question about 3D studio it would probably be easier for me to answer. I've played a lot of mobas my problem is the gameplay is too slow (relative to a game like Mortal Kombat). The team play is MOBAs only redeeming factor, but my question is why can't we have that and Mortal Kombat at the same time? My research pertained to deciphering whether or not that game did exist.

If you know a game that is exactly what I'm looking for then please direct me to it. I stand to gain nothing from being right in this situation, the gamer in me wants nothing more than to be wrong. Aside from the fact that Blade Regalia is potentially a profitable venture.

b) There is a nice way to say the speed of gravity is 9.81 m/s and a mean way to say that. The fact that I prefer the nice way has nothing to do with whether or not I believe gravity exists.

c) An argument is only lost when the other party has no counterargument. What's wrong with having a counterargument? If I think a certain way, clearly something must have convinced me. Wouldn't you like to know what that is?

d) Although in some way it's the opposite, who doesn't? Who goes out of their way to be wrong in any situation? If I'm wrong, I think I'm right. It's not my fault if you fail to convince me. Nobody who is wrong thinks they're wrong. That would be a liar. It's not that I want to be right, it's that I'm convinced that I am right.

I called you hostile because you're clearly holding a year old grudge against me. You're not perfect, neither am I. I can admit there are not hundreds of MOBA if that's the main problem you have with my arguments. I can admit the thought process behind that statement was not malicious, but it was not scholarly either. I'm not asking you to nail yourself to a cross, but consider forgiveness is more a service to you than the person you're forgiving.


Don't come to a man with strong convictions and expect him to agree when you discredit all of his beliefs.

I would love for your critics to take a look at this game. I spent about 5-6 months learning how to use 3D studio, but everything you see pertaining to the game in UE4 happened this month. (during the time I was working with 3D Studio, I was writing multiple design documents, but I didn't start building it until the beginning of May) I'm sure you can talk **** about any game into its 1st month of development built by 1 amateur. That's a really pathetically low jab to take. I'm more surprised than anything that you actually went there. Do you kick puppies to death every Christmas too?
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 25, 2017, 08:27:17 pm
Okay I seem to have gravely misinterpreted that statement about the critics. I'm not going to edit that out, I'm just going to reply to it properly.

I have no problem with facts. I'm convinced that the speed of gravity on earth is 9.81 m/s because of factual evidence. When I first met lumaria I thought I was the greatest artist on the planet. Not really, but that's the level of pride I had in my work, and she proved that I was somewhere on the opposite end of the spectrum of artists. And then I had my first day of Drawing I at a fine arts university where I received Cs for every assignment I turned in granted that professor's scrutiny was second only to Lumaria's and is notoriously one of the most difficult to have, it still makes you rethink some things.

If indeed critics do talk down about Blade Regalia in comparison to a AAA title like Overwatch or For Honor, then it would simply be Deja Vu and I would grow in game design, the same way I have now in illustration.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Orchid on May 25, 2017, 11:31:36 pm
Well let's not get too heated this time. I do hope you work on your series.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: guest4 on May 26, 2017, 09:37:06 am
Quote
a) You did not do any form of research before committing yourself to a project and/or you're just not doing it properly/trying harder at all because all you refer me is to a wiki page , which I will assume that it's one of the very , very few source of your references for research purpose .
b) You only use/do your research out of self-defense and/or when you're cornered , which happened before in the previous incident . Otherwise , you probably had no clue at all what you're doing and/or saying .
c) You're being pretentious whenever there are people coming at you with a counter-argument by attempting to throw claims that gets nonsensical as time passes by .
d) You seek/wanted to be in the right . So you showcase that haphazardly and piously tell off someone who had the better experience's argument as inferior , to the point that it can become a religious preaching from you . If it's wrong , we'll tell you because we know it's wrong . If it's right , we won't even open our mouth about it and just nod our heads .
a) the types of things I have been researching are not the game industry, but game development. I'm not the only one behind this project, but my job is to build it. As with all things I do, blade regalia exists because it doesn't exist. If another game company was willing to make blade regalia I would put everything down and gladly play it.

You said nothing new here to which I argued it is indeed a rare genre. The game itself is a combination of Mortal Kombat and Overwatch. I called it MOBA because I didn't know there was a better name for it because there are so few games in this genre that there isn't a well known name for it.

If you asked me a question about UE4 It'd probably be easier for me to answer. If you asked me a question about 3D studio it would probably be easier for me to answer. I've played a lot of mobas my problem is the gameplay is too slow (relative to a game like Mortal Kombat). The team play is MOBAs only redeeming factor, but my question is why can't we have that and Mortal Kombat at the same time? My research pertained to deciphering whether or not that game did exist.

If you know a game that is exactly what I'm looking for then please direct me to it. I stand to gain nothing from being right in this situation, the gamer in me wants nothing more than to be wrong. Aside from the fact that Blade Regalia is potentially a profitable venture.
Quoting A , B and D .

Quote
b) There is a nice way to say the speed of gravity is 9.81 m/s and a mean way to say that. The fact that I prefer the nice way has nothing to do with whether or not I believe gravity exists.
Quoting C .

Quote
d) Although in some way it's the opposite, who doesn't? Who goes out of their way to be wrong in any situation? If I'm wrong, I think I'm right. It's not my fault if you fail to convince me. Nobody who is wrong thinks they're wrong. That would be a liar. It's not that I want to be right, it's that I'm convinced that I am right.
Quoting D . Also , flub spotted .

Quote
I called you hostile because you're clearly holding a year old grudge against me. You're not perfect, neither am I. I can admit there are not hundreds of MOBA if that's the main problem you have with my arguments. I can admit the thought process behind that statement was not malicious, but it was not scholarly either. I'm not asking you to nail yourself to a cross, but consider forgiveness is more a service to you than the person you're forgiving.
Quoting C and D .

Summarizing this all :

- You're "preaching" now , again .
- You're still talking about game stuff .
- You've got problem reading , big time .
- Last incident shenanigans all over again ... deja vu much ?
- Point E) Irony runs in your blood .
- You are going to respond to this post as well . I can bet my life for that .
- Point F-

(https://media.giphy.com/media/tzWBdunODR8Q/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Orchid on May 27, 2017, 04:52:05 am
Listen. I really hope things don't get out of hand I know we all have our differences. But in the end we all just want to show a good story right? Let's be calm. Always be open to critique but also try not to get too involved in personal issues.

I know we can work it out.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 28, 2017, 02:14:57 am
I've updated the chapter with a newer verison. I took a slightly different approach with more information given to the reader and the story also takes a step forward from the previous rendition.

If you're wondering about the continuity, no spoiler, but I purposefully made it so that only 3 out of the 4 would be there.

@DeAngelus
A. If I "preach" about gravity does that mean gravity doesn't exist? Are ad hominems all you have left? You're better than that.
B. You started the discussion on "game stuff". I finished it.
C. Irrelevant Ad hominem
D. Can't say I recall.
E. I don't follow, is that Ironic of me to say?
F. I imagine losing isn't fun, so I can't blame you for walking away.

This is what you said
MOBA = Multiplayer Online Battle Arena = Fighting game . Nothing unique there .

League of Legends and Heroes of the Storm . There aren't much MOBA games out there so even two games sample is more than enough of a size . Also , I don't see the defined difference in destroying structures and capturing an objective in MOBA games that would make it revolutionary .

This is how I responded.
That's what I thought too.

In response to your point C marriam webster seems to agree that "Nothing new here" is mildly synonymous to my interpretation:

You said nothing new here to which I argued it is indeed a rare genre.

Now of course you said you refused to review the story which is entirely your jurisdiction to do so. Which means the only thing that could possibly be discussing is the game. But now you seem to be backpedaling saying we weren't or shouldn't be discussing that.

You're very interested in discussing my shortcomings in the past. I don't know that I'm making the exact same mistakes that I did almost 3 years ago and I don't know that I'm not because this has never been my strong-suit, but lumaria can easily find something wrong with anything that is definitely not evidence that I am equally as bad now as I was then in fact I did write content that she was somewhat pleased with, although I'm not just going to become Agatha Christie over night, but that argument is a complete ad hominem.

In that time span I remember going from living in my father's mansion, no worries everything paid for, to trying to figure out how I'm going to survive off of $4 in quarters for 2 weeks. I don't consider myself the same person I was 3 years ago, but you weren't there with me through all this, so I never expected you to know that.

I argued with you because I assumed I miscommunicated what blade regalia was. I was hoping that I was indeed wrong and there were many games that would suit my taste, but I argued in order to ensure that you did understand exactly what blade regalia was so you wouldn't direct me to a game that is clearly not what I'm looking for. Blade Regalia exists because it doesn't exist. I was hoping you would prove me wrong, so I wouldn't have to go through all this trouble just to have a fun game. But you seem to be more interested in tearing me down as a person than my creations which are the only things here up for scrutiny.

I'm not going to argue against scrutiny against my creations, I'm going to argue against scrutiny against me. You have a right not to like it, but when you take that out on me as a person that's when i have to stop and say no, you don't get to say that about me. There is a time and place for everything. There is a time and place to scrutinize me as a person, that place is not here. That time is not now. If you have nothing to say about my story, then don't scrutinize me instead. If you want to talk about me we can do that in some kind of private message or elsewhere, but this discussion is about my story.

Can you respect that?
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 28, 2017, 02:28:06 am
Imagine if I were to go to a thread about one of your works

Completely ignore the work in question

And proceed to call you an ass****.

That would be rude of me wouldn't it?
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Orchid on May 28, 2017, 03:12:22 am
I decided to move this into the develop your story due to it being a work in progress that may change significantly. I hope everyone is ok with this.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 28, 2017, 03:20:04 am
That is fine with me of course.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on May 28, 2017, 06:51:34 am
You seem to fall again with the exact same problems.

Quote
A nu_de woman is frolicking through a beautiful garden. She stops to converse with a snake who is wrapped tightly around the branch of a tree producing a foreign fruit.

Narrator: The serpent, though full of lies, knew the best way to make a lie convincing is to put some truth into it. Itís true, after we ate the fruit we became like God. And as we were enlightened, we crafted the first regalia out of the leaves of the garden which gave us the strength to fend for ourselves.

 immediately you don't give us enough context to the situation. Narration adds an opinion of how cunning the serpent was about the lie but you don't mention what the actual lie is. Even if taken directly off the bible it has to be repeated here to give it context.

Narrator: People never stopped wanting to become God. War broke out across the land in the rush for power people began to craft stronger, more efficient regalia. They turned soldiers into weapons of mass destruction, and humanity nearly eradicated itself. For the sake of future generations, the art of crafting regalia was taken to our ancestorsí graves. It has been long since forgotten.

Just because I know that the first sentence is a reference to the Lie the serpent mentioned doesn't mean everyone who knows. But you are immediately rushing to tell us a passage of time that just doesn't help paint a proper picture. You haven't exactly explained to us the impact of Regalia made to this world and already you are mentioning that due to war more efficient regalia are needed?

Narrator: Now we wear the regalia left over from the wars handed down over generations for a thousand years. The regalia I wear fits me purely by coincidence, but it doesnít suit me at all. It was crafted over a thousand years ago for the arch bishopís daughter.

Could be structured better. But now you are giving too much information. Why do we need to know that the narrator's regalia doesn't suit them at all. Why do we need to know it was crafted over a 1000 yewrs ago (in which makes more sense to mention earlier) and what context does it matter to us the reader that it is for the Arch Bishops daughter? These things can be explained in their own time but not as n introduction to this story.

The scene changes to a young girl dressed in the clothing of a traditional nun. We are shown that she is the narrator who spoke. She is in a room of a chapel where many clothes are hung up, a wardrobe of regalia. She is accompanied by a knight in a full suit of armor but no helmet. He is quite tall and middle aged with silver hair cut short and sky blue eyes.

Knight: What do you mean it doesnít suit you, Lady Helen? Well Iím sure she wasnít as mature as you, but you love the Lord just as much as she did.

Helen: She was a lot fonder of pink than I am. I wouldíve gone for a different color.

Knight: Pink? Your habit is black and white. Wait do you mean-
Odd wordage. And I say that fully knowing you are referring to Religious habit which another word for garb
 In this case we are talking about regalia so that word doesn't need to be ised.

Helen looks at him. The Knight blushes.

Knight: The underwear?

Helen: Haha, you said underwear!

Knight: I take back what I said about you being mature.
 A very forced joke. Helen making a big deal out of someone saying underwear. It's not a clever like or a natural one. It's these moments that I like to describe "forced reaction" when characters say something so nonsensical only to spark a reaction.

Helen: Iím only joking, Lucius. Looks can be deceiving in this day and age. And at my age, most people wouldnít see a leader in me. But just as God shaped my body to fit into these clothes he called me to this position for a reason.

Lucius: You are the Oracle of Sanctum.

Helen: But Iím not strong enough, not with this regalia.

Lucius: Not strong enough for what?

Helen: I had a vision. There is a new king of Pulvia, his armies will destroy Fort Peter and he will come to this church himself and demand that we bow down and worship him, or be destroyed.
 unnecessarily long sentence and bad sentence structure.

The girl reaches for a dress adorned with many swords entitled the ďBlade RegaliaĒ.

Helen: But if I were to wear one of these, the most powerful regalia in all of the land, perhaps, I could have the power to stop him myself.

 So again. Lack of context here. The general story feels incredibly simple which isnt a terrible since you need to get back to basics to understand a story. But like a said before you still need to give us the foundation of that story. Not enough to paint a proper picture. What is Pulvia? An opposing kingdom? A kingdom that they are allied with or just a random distant kingdom?

You also make mention of the four most powerful regalia in the land and there's no proper description going on in this story. But it leaves the question of why are the four regalia there? And where exactly is she.

Lucius: You know you can only draw power from a regalia if it fits you properly. Youíre much too small to fit into a dress like that.

Helen: I know but I just hate feeling like this. Demons are among us wearing humans as clothing, thousands of Sanctumís citizens are suffering in poverty, and now this. And Iím stuck here meditating and reading all day. I feel so useless. I wish I could do more.

Lucius: Youíve done more than enough for all of the people of Sanctum. We are at your service, Helen. If thereís anything you need from me, you need but ask.

She turns to him.

Helen: Then I do have a request. There are four sets of regalia here. I need you to find the people who can fit into these regalia.

 in this scene it perfectly shows how you don't understand the position these characters are in. This Helen is clearly has governmental position yet everything is explained too casually. In what should sound like an important strategy meeting sounds like a lazy conversation between 2 characters.


The scene changes to a medieval noblemanís home made of brick. In the garden behind the house a man and a woman are practicing swordplay in a duel against one another. The two fight as equals until the woman makes a sloppy decision. The man takes advantage of the opening and stops his weapon just before her throat as a sign of defeat.

The Man: Itís not like you to be this sloppy, Katherine. Something on your mind?

Katherine: Sorry, Dad, I just

The Father: Your enemy wonít let you get away with that sloppy performance

 You mentioned sloppy three times. Try to use a thesaurus when you mention these things. A more accurate word would be careless. But additionally we don't know what she did exactly that made it seem "sloppy".

Katherine: I donít want to join the military, Dad.

The Father: Katherine, you know itís our duty to serve our country as a Knight of noble blood.

He places his hand on her shoulder. Understanding her distress.

The Father: Sometimes we have to do things we donít like, itís a part of life. . . I think thatís enough practice for today. Weíll pick it up tomorrow.

Katherine: Alright.

Later that afternoon, Katherine is sitting on a bench in the garden reading a book. An older woman walks up to her.

The Woman: Katherine, this is second time youíve missed dance rehearsal, you know they need you in the praise team.

Katherine: Sorry, Mom, but Iím old enough to start looking for a husband, and I

The Mother: Thatís no reason to skip out on your obligations to the church

Katherine: Am I not allowed to feel excited about this?

The Mother: Katherine. You need to get your priorities straight. Who comes first? God or-

Katherine: Well the church and God are two different things-

The Mother: Katherine! Not another word.

 This argument makes absolutely no sense. It looks like an important piece of dialogue is missing to make better sense of this. Katherine is excited for...what exactly? And there's also dance rehearsal for what exactly? I thought her family was dedicated to training her to be a soldier. So how does that correlate with dance rehearsal?

The father approaches them accompanied by two members of the church, a blonde woman and a brown-haired man.

Katherine (Thinking): Inquisitors? But we already had our examinations this year.

The Blonde: Sorry to interrupt Mrs. Smith, but prophet Helen has ordered that we perform a physical examination of all citizens. Do not be alarmed, this is purely routine.

The Mother: Of course, this is my only daughter, Katherine.
 of all citizens, and the mother offers her daughter first? It seems unnecessary unless they specifically had no need for the mother. But context would need to be added.

The Blonde: Itís nice to meet you, Katherine. My name is Evie Thompson, and Iíll be your examiner today.

The scene changes to a more private room within the house where Evie is taking Katherineís measurements. Stripped down to her undergarments, Katherine isnít the least bit embarrassed; in fact, she is holding a conversation with the inquisitor.

Katherine: I swear talking to them is like talking to a brick wall. I donít want to serve in the military. I wouldnít have to if I married out of this family. I just want to be able to settle down, have a family and live a normal life.

Evie: Amen to that.
 I feel like this moment was to force exposition on the character rather than properly explain. You Don't dedicate scenes where characters express themselves and that's not good here. I feel like every scene you make absolutely has to move the story into the next stage and it destroys proper character building.

Evieís eyes widen as she takes the last measurement.

Evie (Speaking to herself): You-youíre a perfect fit.

Katherine: Excuse me?

Evie: Get dressed, quickly.

Evie leaves the room as Katherine puts her clothes back on.

Katherine: What was that all about?

Katherine (Thinking): ďperfect fitĒ . . . for a regalia?

Evie returns with the other inquisitor.

The Man: Ms. Smith, we need you to come with us.

Evie: Iím really sorry about this, Katherine.

 Okay at this point I don't feel the need to make it so alarming. You already hinted multiple times that Regalia don't respond to just physical capable but mentally aswell. So here you can further enforce that idea by having Evie doubt she is compatible for a regalia but taking her in just because protocol requires it.

The inquisitors take Katherine to the Cathedral where Helen was speaking with Lucius. The take her to the wardrobe room where only Helen and two others were waiting, a boyish young man and a young woman no older than Katherine. Katherine quickly bows down with her head to the ground.

Helen: Please, tell me your name.

Katherine: Katherine Angela Smith, Iím at your service, maíam.
 This scene also makes no sense either. Here she is willing to serve Helen. But no context as to why. Does Katherine recognize her as a valid authority? Why? She was clearly against the church in the early part of the story. 

Helen kneels down and pulls Katherineís head up by her chin.

Helen: Rise up Katherine, for this is a momentous occasion. Sanctum is in a time of crisis. The armies of Pulvia have risen up under a new king. Our armies are not strong enough to face this new enemy and so we must take advantage of the regalia left behind by our ancestors

 Once again this is a very poor explanation. You had a chance to give proper exposition and you didnt. I'm asking the same questions I am in the beginning.
Katherineís eyes widen and she remembers Evieís mysterious apology.

Katherine (Thinking): Eli . . .

Helen: The Lord has chosen you three to wear the regalia because you are the only ones who can.

Katherine (Thinking): Eli . . .

Helen: You are our last line of defense. You will have the power to move mountains at your fingertips. Say goodbye to your normal lives.

Katherine (Thinking): Lema sabachthani!

Translation: ďMy God, my God, why have you forsaken me?Ē
 Very dramatic very fast. And again no context to Regalia. They are just to super weapon X that you never properly establish.  


OVERALL:
this was poorly written.....the hasty writing initially I ignored because it strongly resembled a vague prologue we will get some context imediately. But the holes are all over the place. It still feels incomplete.

You describe certain scenes but not all. I still have no idea what this world is. In the end these characters feel empty. Tara, you always have this problem where you have a better grasp of the story in tour head but you simply don't bring enough of it on screen or paper.

Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 28, 2017, 02:46:56 pm
Ah well perhaps I am making the same mistakes. I'm going to try and do some problem solving here and we'll take a look at it before I try to re-write it.

Alright.

immediately you don't give us enough context to the situation. Narration adds an opinion of how cunning the serpent was about the lie but you don't mention what the actual lie is. Even if taken directly off the bible it has to be repeated here to give it context.

I think probably what I would do here instead is have her quote the entire scripture and narrate the scene that way. I can understand how information is missing there especially since we don't know how similar the history of this world is to the biblical record, and I guess it's a bit misleading since it already takes it down fantastical route with the leaves being a form of regalia. I can understand how I left some information out right there.

Just because I know that the first sentence is a reference to the Lie the serpent mentioned doesn't mean everyone who knows. But you are immediately rushing to tell us a passage of time that just doesn't help paint a proper picture. You haven't exactly explained to us the impact of Regalia made to this world and already you are mentioning that due to war more efficient regalia are needed?

Okay so I think there's a distinct interest in the mechanics of regalia. This is something that I want to avoid immediately because it's not supposed to be something that the main characters actually understand yet. For Helen to say that in her narration would be problematic to me of course. But, I can understand how you as a reader can feel like you're being cheated out of that information and I will takes some steps to offer that information to you immediately. I think the best way to do that is to show what a person can do with it on and what they can do with it off.

Of course they speak about beasts, like the Leviathan in the book of Job, as if they are somewhat commonplace on earth and of course some people theorize that "dragons" are based on dinosaurs and that people did coexist with them in biblical times. So, I would think I could solve this problem by presenting a person and showing what they can do with normal clothing or no clothing, and show what a person can do while wearing regalia like defeating dragons. Even if I can't have a character explain the mechanics behind regalia just yet, I can have a character show what regalia can offer.

Could be structured better. But now you are giving too much information. Why do we need to know that the narrator's regalia doesn't suit them at all. Why do we need to know it was crafted over a 1000 years ago (in which makes more sense to mention earlier) and what context does it matter to us the reader that it is for the Arch Bishops daughter? These things can be explained in their own time but not as n introduction to this story.

It's problematic that this information does not intrinsically seem relevant. I think what I need to do here is establish how Sanctum is a kingdom separate from other kingdoms purely by its theocracy. Mentioning the arch bishop was supposed to establish that sanctum in some way existed a thousand years ago, and perhaps that's a bit too cryptic of a way to communicate that. This was sort of the transfer into Helen speaking and leading into the full conversation with Lucius.

Odd wordage. And I say that fully knowing you are referring to Religious habit which another word for garb. In this case we are talking about regalia so that word doesn't need to be used.

I agree it would make more sense to refer to it as Regalia in that instance.

So again. Lack of context here. The general story feels incredibly simple which isnt a terrible since you need to get back to basics to understand a story. But like a said before you still need to give us the foundation of that story. Not enough to paint a proper picture. What is Pulvia? An opposing kingdom? A kingdom that they are allied with or just a random distant kingdom?

You also make mention of the four most powerful regalia in the land and there's no proper description going on in this story. But it leaves the question of why are the four regalia there? And where exactly is she.

I see there is information missing here. The world this is happening in was taken from the map of FNO which is just a single big continent with a diversity that symbolizes the entire earth. All that map does is tell you Asians to the east, Europeans to the west, Africans to the south and sanctum is in the center kind of like the middle east, it's the holy land. But I understand there is a lot of political and geographic information missing here that I need to include.

in this scene it perfectly shows how you don't understand the position these characters are in. This Helen is clearly has governmental position yet everything is explained too casually. In what should sound like an important strategy meeting sounds like a lazy conversation between 2 characters.

This was meant to be an informal situation between the two of them. I could take a different approach to the situation entirely. Ideally, Lucius is supposed to be someone she feels closer to and can be more vulnerable to whereas with others she would have to take on that godly image. I think it would be best if I put multiple situations here that show off the strong distinction, perhaps an actual strategic meeting and this encounter.

You mentioned sloppy three times. Try to use a thesaurus when you mention these things. A more accurate word would be careless. But additionally we don't know what she did exactly that made it seem "sloppy".

Point taken. This is one of those things that would be visible in the illustration, but isn't itself as relevant as the reason why she made a mistake, so I didn't dwell on it.

This argument makes absolutely no sense. It looks like an important piece of dialogue is missing to make better sense of this. Katherine is excited for...what exactly? And there's also dance rehearsal for what exactly? I thought her family was dedicated to training her to be a soldier. So how does that correlate with dance rehearsal?

I can see that, I could add some information there. I would say that it would be natural to have obligations to the church in her situation so I made her a part of a praise dance team. Players of the game would appreciate this lore because her character is based on the archetypal "Blade Dancer" class of RPGs and so her sword fighting skills and dancing skills work together to make her a perfect fit for the Blade Regalia even though mentally she's against both of those tasks. As Helen shows most people aren't mentally fitting into their Regalia anymore. But again I understand that information is missing there and I need to add some continuity.

of all citizens, and the mother offers her daughter first? It seems unnecessary unless they specifically had no need for the mother. But context would need to be added.

I think that's just poor dialogue, there's a misconception there. Because regalia is so important in their society, they do physicals as a part of the regular census so everyone would have to be accounted for in case they find someone who can fit the regalia so they remain a global power. It's like making sure your nuclear missiles work. My thought process was the mother is saying "I have no other children to worry about. We're all present to be examined". So the mother and father would be examined too. But I see that's just poor dialogue.

Okay at this point I don't feel the need to make it so alarming. You already hinted multiple times that Regalia don't respond to just physical capable but mentally aswell. So here you can further enforce that idea by having Evie doubt she is compatible for a regalia but taking her in just because protocol requires it.

Well this is not correct, the only requirement is that regalia fits the body and you can draw power from it. Helen brought up that they're facing a phenomenon where everything is not as it seems because people have been sacrificing the self expression that clothing provides for the functional advantages that regalia provides for so many centuries. I think that I should however, extend the conversation between her and Evie because by the end of it, they still feel like strangers even though Evie empathizes with her enough to say she feels sorry for her.

This scene also makes no sense either. Here she is willing to serve Helen. But no context as to why. Does Katherine recognize her as a valid authority? Why? She was clearly against the church in the early part of the story.

I see there is no context given. My interpretation is that Helen is a well know governing official, since I removed the scene with Lucius and Dana we clearly aren't shown in any way how famous she is or how respected. But my interpretation is that there would be a thrilling fear being in the face of what is basically royalty, whether or not she respects the fact that she is God ordained. In the game Helen actually fights wielding a scythe which she argues symbolizes sowing and reaping, I feel like actually adding that to the scene could be both a service to the players reading and give more context to why she might be afraid at first sight.

The statement "I'm at your service" was meant to be a polite gesture. Obviously she's at her service because she's a citizen she doesn't have that choice, but I would imagine it's just a respectful thing to say in their cultural context. I'll change the dialogue to be more direct.

Once again this is a very poor explanation. You had a chance to give proper exposition and you didnt. I'm asking the same questions I am in the beginning.

I think the problem here is the fact that Helen is missing information too, she doesn't have a full vision and she doesn't even know why the new king will suddenly be able to conquer them, but this is what she has to work with and she's trying to be faithful. I also didn't want to have her repeat herself too much having already spoken to Lucius. I think adding that information you mentioned was missing in the beginning would be a great service to this scene.

Very dramatic very fast. And again no context to Regalia. They are just to super weapon X that you never properly establish.

I would say that I could have set aside more time to distinguish why this is so dramatic for her. We are missing a big piece and that is what exactly the blade regalia is and that would put the puzzle together very easily. As players would know she's a blade dancer. So I would need to show some indication that wearing the Regalia would mean she would be 1. Dancing, 2. Fighting, and 3. Serving the church which are 3 things she's known to be skilled at but has life goals dedicated to avoiding those 3 things.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: guest4 on May 28, 2017, 04:19:24 pm
Spoiler (hover to show)
Another flub spotted . New (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/new) =/= Unique (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/unique)

And I had already decided to no longer reply until I get enough story chapters from you to give you a good feedback - I was ready for it . But you came back , demanding respect after calling me out as rude twice and shrug me off all haughty there just because I used a meme ?

Let remind you again that all of these are spawned by you , not me . Your mindset and workings are still stucked in the past and it's still repeating itself . All of that point I've highlighted is not only limited to how your argument in general looks like , it also roughly dictates how your story would end up being like . You know , let me "guide" you on what I meant behind the post that led you to do what you do right now .

Seeing that it's a story for the game as opposed to a story that had a game as one of it's main setting , I'll leave it as that . Otherwise , I won't hesitate to highlight the fallacies you had stated there . Let's just say that it'll a counter-argument from a gamer myself who plays mainly MMO and MOBA games .

Like Lumaria had already mentioned earlier , I didn't give my thoughts on the story simply because it's too early and too incomplete to give one . So , ditto on that . I got a notion that you might fall into the same mistakes you've did with your previous story , but that's just me .
Eventhough it sounds like it comes off from a person with flat-emotions , basically , I'm admitting to my own fault that I was talking about the game aspect as if the story and the game are one , like your previous story is (or was) and thought as such (my first post) . So , I decided to end with 'TL;DR' , but you've decided to take an offense over my self-admittance and inadvertently turn this into your fault - by talking about games , defending your POV . Hence , those four points about you in general are made .

States that if you want to discuss about games , I would gladly do so , but this is not the right place to do so , but you've decided to continue on , effectively turning this into an off-topic . You broke the rules there , not me .

In simple term , I would give feedback on both the story AND the game if it's a one piece , but since I can't derail this topic and I can't give and substantial input on the story aspect of it (During the time it was posted) , that's all I can say .

Was an expectation from the past incidents that either I was in or had read about you on the internet . I was very optimistic still , even after that past incident , that I could be wrong , but I was right , sadly - you're repeating it , even now .

-----

For the point that sparks you into being 'Passive Aggressive' again in the latest post , I'll sweeten it for you :

a) You did not do any form of research before committing yourself to a project and/or you're just not doing it properly/trying harder at all because all you refer me is to a wiki page , which I will assume that it's one of the very , very few source of your references for research purpose .
b) You only use/do your research out of self-defense and/or when you're cornered , which happened before in the previous incident . Otherwise , you probably had no clue at all what you're doing and/or saying .
c) You're being pretentious whenever there are people coming at you with a counter-argument by attempting to throw claims that gets nonsensical as time passes by .
d) You seek/wanted to be in the right . So you showcase that haphazardly and piously tell off someone who had the better experience's argument as inferior , to the point that it can become a religious preaching from you . If it's wrong , we'll tell you because we know it's wrong . If it's right , we won't even open our mouth about it and just nod our heads .
Supports this :
Quote
- You've got problem reading , big time .
To put in more detail , you're LITERALLY taking it on the surface of things , be it right or wrong as opposed to attempting at interpreting it in many other ways and forms . You are even using the the dictionary the wrong way , further evident when you've made FNO before .

This supports the point in yellow in a way that , if no one shows you that it's wrong , you'd continue being in the wrong and will always be in the wrong . You'd be always in the dark , not willing to take anything outside your box , only taking anything from completely unknown resources unless you're being told to the point that it becomes forceful - that's what a shut-in would behave .

Further blown up by the two points above , the more in-depth our facts go , the more further out of reality your point goes and it's happening here , just like how the changes of your previous story had become .

This perfectly illustrates your shortcomings of your past and why it's very evident till this day , you've hardly ever changed . Coupled with your stubbornness , which in the other site , one other user had already warn you about the shortcoming of this as a writer (or any creative development , for that matter) . Because of this , it spawned all of these post by you , still defending your position .

-----

Summarizing this all :

- You're "preaching" now , again .
- You're still talking about game stuff .
- You've got problem reading , big time .
- Last incident shenanigans all over again ... deja vu much ?
- Point E) Irony runs in your blood .
- You are going to respond to this post as well . I can bet my life for that .
- Point F-

https://media.giphy.com/media/tzWBdunODR8Q/giphy.gif
Quoting D , underlined , referring to your quote , underlined :
Quote
I called you hostile because you're clearly holding a year old grudge against me. You're not perfect, neither am I. I can admit there are not hundreds of MOBA if that's the main problem you have with my arguments. I can admit the thought process behind that statement was not malicious, but it was not scholarly either. I'm not asking you to nail yourself to a cross, but consider forgiveness is more a service to you than the person you're forgiving.
Which supports point in pink below .

Referring to first section above and * below .

Self-explanatory . Take a look at what you think I'm referring to when I made that conclusion highlighted in yellow :
Quote
A. If I "preach" about gravity does that mean gravity doesn't exist? Are ad hominems all you have left? You're better than that.
Well ?


Quote
D. Can't say I recall.
There's your problem - you had no clue what you're doing and/or saying in the first place and now and since all of the shenanigans you've made is now in the bin , I can't point that out and now , you can't remember it happening and in the end , you're repeating it again (basically , quoting point B) . It's another thing to forget about the past and moving on , it's another to forget about the past , learned from it and moving on . Those who learned their lessons from their past are almost guaranteed to not commit the same thing again twice (ideally) . You , however , have not at all so far . If this is happening again , what makes me think that you won't do the same to this story or any future discussions and for that matter ?

Point in question :
Quote
d) Although in some way it's the opposite, who doesn't? Who goes out of their way to be wrong in any situation? If I'm wrong, I think I'm right. It's not my fault if you fail to convince me. Nobody who is wrong thinks they're wrong. That would be a liar. It's not that I want to be right, it's that I'm convinced that I am right.
And when I meant it's a flub , it's irony and it's a bulls-eye to my point D . By stating that nobody who is in the wrong thinks that they're wrong , you're associating all living beings as such , me , Lumaria or anyone else who has had even the slightest disagreement with you . And from the looks of it , you are also being included there as well because well ... "everyone" , right ? Self-admittance when I've already stated the obvious , that's irony .

And the previous flub , it's not just what has been quoted there that presents itself as a flub but it sure sums up most of the post there and I wasn't even associating it with me talking about games or you talking about it .

Was an expectation that you might respond to it because even if I didn't put any form of malicious remarks or connotations , you'd still find it 'offensive' enough that you'll reply , going all 'passive aggressive' again . Because this happens , I would beg on my knees and kindly ask you to get psychiatric help because you're totally not in the right mind .

Listen :

- I respect your story , regardless how bad it is , just like how I've respected other people's story whom I've given critique on , even artworks before .
- I respect the game you've created , regardless how bad it might become (even if I don't even know of it) , just like how I did with the games I've played which are genuinely horrendous .
- I respect your religious belief and it's teachings , if it guided you well , good for you !

If you want more of my respect :

*- Now that I've clarified my point that states that I've stopped talking about it right at that post , stop talking about game stuffs in this thread and start a new topic on the game stuff in the relevant section . I kept telling you not to , you kept pushing on ! Rules are there for all to follow , so abide to it . But then again , how are you going to start something that has very little to do with critiquing your game in the first place ?
- Stop "Preaching" your bibles at me . I absolutely detest your attempts at "preaching" forgiveness to me to forgive you . That belief is yours and yours only and it's not for others who don't follow it to have to follow under - they are supposed to be willingly to agree and follow it , not being shoved into their mouth like you did . Who are you , ISIS ?
- Learn to read the fine line of what's written to you . You're also a writer so where's your attempt of proofreading your own posts (look at those flubs) ? If you'd even bother re-reading your own post , I wouldn't even caught you before for actually being rude yourself and even possibly making the same blatant mistakes you've made before whenever you write out a story .
- Stop with the referencing to wiki , Merriam-Webster , Oxford or whatever dictionaries , directly and literally to me to back up points - it does not make your point and defense any smarter and your story any less stiff and dull as it was . Have you ever check their reference links at the bottom of their page ? Or even experimenting with other definition of it ? This is supporting point A and B .
- Stop judging everything based on your feelings . I'm being objective here , not being an arse to you , like you are to me now . This is not a battle of sensitivity and love and you're playing that battle with me instead of staying objective .
- Stop assuming everything has to go your way . That's how you see things a new light and see the whole different uses of your references . You even begin to see critiques in a whole different viewpoint .
- Stop judging the slightest change in wording as being offensive . False accusations are almost usually a reflection of your own flaws . I know of my own faults and had managed it in certain ways that either it's gone or in control . What I do know is this - none of the accusations are for me , it's for you . Ad-hominems ? Right back at you . 'Offensive' ? Rude ? Right back at you . Backtracking ? Right back at you , multiple times . The more you throw accusations and defenses at me , the more it reflects itself back at you simply because it wasn't even referencing me at all . Even with all of these accusations , I'm STILL not even remotely mad but rather it's getting increasingly frustrating . So , stop it ! Geez ...

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/ENGL1311/fallacies.htm
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/g/gaskilld/criticalthinking/six%20common%20fallacies.htm
https://www.dangerandplay.com/2015/03/19/the-law-of-reflection-yes-this-article-is-about-you/
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/projection
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIIoa5QPKTU

HINT : Notice that I'm linking you to more than one and not just the obvious sources ? Also , I read them all .

Now , I'm going to violate the rules of privacy by telling you this - I personally asked Orchid to unlock this thread . I don't know who locked it in the first place , but I want it unlocked just so that you can keep posting your story just so that I can read your story and give my insights about it , not about the game - that demands another thread on it's own . Now tell me , who's being 'offensive' and rude here again ? You can proceed to requesting a perma-ban on me to justify your actions just so you can walk away a winner on the internet . I find it worthless of a title .

All of these 'pointing fingers at you' as mentioned by you isn't directly at you , rather your thought process and how you present your counter-arguement on a completely off-topic matter and all the flaws you've made in your previous story are projecting roughly to exactly the same kind of pattern - flat/bland (Translating point A) , detached (Translating point B) , sudden/abrupt diversions (Translating point D) and disarray/chaotic/nonsensical (Translating point C) . I haven't begun reading your revised story yet so if I do offer my feedback on your story and the flaws stated above are there , all I can say is 'I told you so , much to my disappointment' .

I'll read your story when I got lots more time . Now , you've got to wait till the next weekend where my off-days are to even review it . If you still want one ASAP , wait for it while I brew a strong coffee and finish up 6 pages of line-art .

EDIT : Someone posted a feedback on your story . Welp .

EDIT 2 : I had to go to work by the time I made this edit post . I still haven't finish inking the last two pages throughout these whole time while typing this (no time to proofread) . However , as a complementary in stopping you from thinking that I'm being offensive again by ignoring your work , watch this ... THOROUGHLY :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEUDhkgC6rQ
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 28, 2017, 09:29:36 pm
Good Lord.

You say I'm not right in the head, but the obsessive nature behind that entire reply should make you question your own mental health. Wouldn't it color you as insane if I'm actually as stubborn as you think I am? I reject facts clearly. Your reply is too long for one, you need to learn how to speak concisely, but that's the least of my problems with it.

Anyway. I'm not going to try to out-cite you because surprisingly enough you don't win arguments on the internet that way.

However, Lumaria is correct the core of my problem is here, glaringly obvious now that she's said it, and I did indeed forget about it. I'm sure you have no idea what it is.

That's what you mean by "preaching? Oh Lord. I talked about forgiveness I was considering actual psychological constructs that you don't even need to cite a source for because it's common sense. When you hold a grudge against someone unless you actually take actions on it, you have to expend energy and resources to fuel that hatred you have on that person. Meanwhile that person sleeps easy every night possibly even unaware that you are upset with them. Mathematically speaking the grudge is doing you a disservice because you're worried about what this person did to you while he's sleeping easy that night.

Based on my convictions Jesus already died for my sins so why would I ever care how you feel about my sins? Can you get me into heaven? I'm sorry that's not preaching, that was just me trying to spread some wisdom that most people don't figure out because I'm actually not angry at you. I was making a hyperbolic joke when I compared forgiving me to the crucifixion.

"Eventhough it sounds like it comes off from a person with flat-emotions , basically , I'm admitting to my own fault that I was talking about the game aspect as if the story and the game are one , like your previous story is (or was) and thought as such (my first post) . So , I decided to end with 'TL;DR'"

This is a part of my argument about how you need to work on speaking concisely. TLDR is meme of basically how poorly and shortly you can summarize a topic. It's not a good thing that you summarized your position that way. But I did completely misinterpret it.

I would like to, but I actually can't speak on any critical aspects of the game at this time. I can speak on very general topics, but I'm sure that being able to see the design documents would help create the continuity that you would prefer before you. My goal is to make blade regalia open source to help other developers interested in similar projects, but I can't just yet. As soon as I can you'll be the first to see it. I'm actually not the owner of my indie studios LLC but the story of Blade Regalia isn't something that would be monetized in the way that the game is. What I mean is I won't be selling comic books, this is just a service to the players to understand why they're doing the weird things they're doing in the game. If you were wondering why Blade Regalia has some christian undertones, that's because a church has invested in my company, or I should say, donated. Yes, that's why this is the one and only story where the church isn't the antagonist.

Back on topic

- I respect your story , regardless how bad it is , just like how I've respected other people's story whom I've given critique on , even artworks before .
- I respect the game you've created , regardless how bad it might become (even if I don't even know of it) , just like how I did with the games I've played which are genuinely horrendous .
- I respect your religious belief and it's teachings , if it guided you well , good for you !

I don't care about your respect in any of these regards. All I care about is that if you have a problem with my work, you take that out on my work instead of attacking me as person.
 
 You can proceed to requesting a perma-ban on me

To be perfectly honest with you mate, do not care. I'm completely indifferent. Didn't even notice it got locked, but thank you for requesting that. Now I see it would cause a lot of clutter to talk about the game anyway. If you believe it's necessary to know the game to work on the lore beforehand then I fully respect that. You being an arse to me doesn't bother me enough to actually want to take actions against you doing that. I couldn't be bothered. It's not like you're spamming me or anything.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: guest4 on May 29, 2017, 06:20:56 am
You say I'm not right in the head, but the obsessive nature behind that entire reply should make you question your own mental health. Wouldn't it color you as insane if I'm actually as stubborn as you think I am? I reject facts clearly. Your reply is too long for one, you need to learn how to speak concisely, but that's the least of my problems with it.
Flub spotted . "I don't like the fact that if I put my hand into an alligator snapping turtle's mouth , I might lose my hand . I mean they're turtles , there's no way it will bite me that hard !" Your sheer stubbornness will be your downfall , I can guarantee you that 110% and that's a fact from a creative and imaginative POV . This is as harsh as it can get on reality , whether you like it or not .

So , this is not short (http://mangamavericks.createaforum.com/develop-your-story/blade-regalia/msg1750/#msg1750) enough for you ? (http://mangamavericks.createaforum.com/develop-your-story/blade-regalia/msg1741/#msg1741) So , yes , right back at you again .

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Anyway. I'm not going to try to out-cite you because surprisingly enough you don't win arguments on the internet that way.
Right back at you . Rely on just wiki to write out your assignment and you'll get an instant 'F' . I nearly gotten an 'F' for a written assignment that only relies on wiki , if it weren't for the fact that there aren't many reliable sites that can further build up my written assignment . Or else , I'd be doomed and had to repeat the course if the teacher didn't allow me to change project . It's maybe me not being that efficient at researching at that time .

I wonder why my teacher would give me an 'F' when I relied on wiki only to build up my assignment ...

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However, Lumaria is correct the core of my problem is here, glaringly obvious now that she's said it, and I did indeed forget about it. I'm sure you have no idea what it is.
I have that idea since 2015 . Forgotten what I did there as well that got me in the know ?

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That's what you mean by "preaching? Oh Lord. I talked about forgiveness I was considering actual psychological constructs that you don't even need to cite a source for because it's common sense. When you hold a grudge against someone unless you actually take actions on it, you have to expend energy and resources to fuel that hatred you have on that person. Meanwhile that person sleeps easy every night possibly even unaware that you are upset with them. Mathematically speaking the grudge is doing you a disservice because you're worried about what this person did to you while he's sleeping easy that night.
Forgiveness is calculable and can be concluded ? Source to your credibility ? Because life experience tells me that it's down to moral and philosophical value , which is extremely subjective and unmeasurable :

https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/forgiveness/

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Based on my convictions Jesus already died for my sins so why would I ever care how you feel about my sins? Can you get me into heaven? I'm sorry that's not preaching, that was just me trying to spread some wisdom that most people don't figure out because I'm actually not angry at you. I was making a hyperbolic joke when I compared forgiving me to the crucifixion.
Flub spotted . Your convictions ? Jesus died for you ? Sins ? What sins ? If that's the kind of hyperbolic joke you had in mind , kindly expand your 'library' some more . That's awfully small of a 'library' you had there currently .

https://books.google.com.my/books?id=o-e5BQAAQBAJ&pg=PA132&lpg=PA132&dq=Is+it+morally+wrong+to+demand+forgiveness&source=bl&ots=K9n6SSdDdw&sig=sRzOSq1eGRfFZP6-uhKTRvfXcj0&hl=en&sa=X&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=Is%20it%20morally%20wrong%20to%20demand%20forgiveness&f=false
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09672559.2013.857705?scroll=top&needAccess=true&journalCode=riph20
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201409/6-reasons-not-forgive-not-yet

I've apologized (There , your forgiveness . This is how it works ! I flubbed , I own up to it immediately) for even talking about the gaming-aspect of it and make amends by not talking about it any further and just leave it as such , but I'm willing to talk about it further if it's allowed , rule-wise . What about you with the following post after that ?

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I'm not asking you to nail yourself to a cross, but consider forgiveness is more a service to you than the person you're forgiving.
Forgiveness , much like respect are meant to be earned . Self-forgiving is when you realize your own mistakes and making amends for it - you earned it through self-realization and humility . Asking someone to forgive themselves first is not much different than demanding . This coupled with that flub above showcases the signs of a self-conceited person . If you're not , why ask for my forgiveness ?

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This is a part of my argument about how you need to work on speaking concisely. TLDR is meme of basically how poorly and shortly you can summarize a topic. It's not a good thing that you summarized your position that way. But I did completely misinterpret it.
A fault of mine , my apologies (another forgiveness !?) . "Too late ; don't read" is what I meant and it seems like it is referring to a different meaning - the more you know , memes are not my forte . Also , didn't proofread that post , so mistakes are bound to happen . However , I stand by my conclusion that your response to me using the other meme is immature on your part . Also , it was as short and concise as it gets and you still misinterpret it . If you can come up with a shorter version of that without harming the context of it , post it up .

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I would like to, but I actually can't speak on any critical aspects of the game at this time. I can speak on very general topics, but I'm sure that being able to see the design documents would help create the continuity that you would prefer before you. My goal is to make blade regalia open source to help other developers interested in similar projects, but I can't just yet. As soon as I can you'll be the first to see it. I'm actually not the owner of my indie studios LLC but the story of Blade Regalia isn't something that would be monetized in the way that the game is. What I mean is I won't be selling comic books, this is just a service to the players to understand why they're doing the weird things they're doing in the game. If you were wondering why Blade Regalia has some christian undertones, that's because a church has invested in my company, or I should say, donated. Yes, that's why this is the one and only story where the church isn't the antagonist.

Back on topic
What is this doing in your post ?

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I don't care about your respect in any of these regards. All I care about is that if you have a problem with my work, you take that out on my work instead of attacking me as person
Then why ask for my respect ?
 
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To be perfectly honest with you mate, do not care. I'm completely indifferent. Didn't even notice it got locked, but thank you for requesting that. Now I see it would cause a lot of clutter to talk about the game anyway. If you believe it's necessary to know the game to work on the lore beforehand then I fully respect that. You being an arse to me doesn't bother me enough to actually want to take actions against you doing that. I couldn't be bothered. It's not like you're spamming me or anything.
Right back at you again . Now that I've came back from work not long ago , do you want my review on your story ? Initial review suggests that I can definitely treat the gaming aspect and the story aspect as two different entity as it is . So , no need for the game information , yet .
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 29, 2017, 01:59:22 pm
It's like your religion is objectification. What an interesting way to see the world. Reality can be summed up to a mathematical expression, at least, that's the way I see it. It's important to have that view when you have to engineer things.

Nobody rejects facts that's just nonsensical. That's a self defeating statement which is why laugh at it. It's a fact that when I press the S key and S appears on the screen. If I rejected that I wouldn't be able to type, I at least wouldn't be able to type anything with an S. Some things in this world are a gray, some things are black and white, just because you can cite a source for it doesn't make it any less gray. If I wanted to go into a alligators mouth I'd wear some kind of protective gear, kill it, or prevent it from being able to close its mouth. Not that complicated.

I've had lots of assignments at university where I've needed to write essays that did not require a single source to be cited. In fact, some assignments specifically said not to. You received an F only because you did not follow directions.

Forgiveness =/= respect.
Forgiveness =/= apology.
Forgiveness =/= Self Forgiveness (That one should've been obvious like saying 2=2+1)

I'm talking about you not wasting your own energy over nothing.

You can review my review (http://mangamavericks.createaforum.com/develop-your-story/blade-regalia/msg1760/#msg1760) if you'd like. Not that I don't want you to review the story I just prefer making progress.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on May 29, 2017, 03:08:13 pm
Ah well perhaps I am making the same mistakes. I'm going to try and do some problem solving here and we'll take a look at it before I try to re-write it.


It should be obvious


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Okay so I think there's a distinct interest in the mechanics of regalia. This is something that I want to avoid immediately because it's not supposed to be something that the main characters actually understand yet. For Helen to say that in her narration would be problematic to me of course. But, I can understand how you as a reader can feel like you're being cheated out of that information and I will takes some steps to offer that information to you immediately. I think the best way to do that is to show what a person can do with it on and what they can do with it off.
Not exactly as long for interest in the mechanics but what they are. Keeping this a mystery is pointless even if one gets a better understanding of it when seem in action. The problem still lies that you mentioned regalia  (knowing nothing about them) and then in the same NARRATION say that the world needed better regalia. Lack of context here.

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Of course they speak about beasts, like the Leviathan in the book of Job, as if they are somewhat commonplace on earth and of course some people theorize that "dragons" are based on dinosaurs and that people did coexist with them in biblical times. So, I would think I could solve this problem by presenting a person and showing what they can do with normal clothing or no clothing, and show what a person can do while wearing regalia like defeating dragons. Even if I can't have a character explain the mechanics behind regalia just yet, I can have a character show what regalia can offer.

Beasts is a common word to describe something. Regalia in your story requires a brief description of what they are. Since it's the foundation of your story you can't just keep them a complete mystery. There has to be a basic understanding.


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It's problematic that this information does not intrinsically seem relevant. I think what I need to do here is establish how Sanctum is a kingdom separate from other kingdoms purely by its theocracy. Mentioning the arch bishop was supposed to establish that sanctum in some way existed a thousand years ago, and perhaps that's a bit too cryptic of a way to communicate that. This was sort of the transfer into Helen speaking and leading into the full conversation with Lucius.

You just put it out there and no context as to what it means.  This is why there is a constant disconnect between readers and you. Because you write as if the story was only meant for you. You don't write in a way where others are meant to understand properly.

To this point we don't know what Regalia are. Not even in terms of the lore of the story. Helen apparently has some understanding but she's being more vague than she needs to be. You explained things way too fast rather than giving a slow transition of the world.

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I see there is information missing here. The world this is happening in was taken from the map of FNO which is just a single big continent with a diversity that symbolizes the entire earth. All that map does is tell you Asians to the east, Europeans to the west, Africans to the south and sanctum is in the center kind of like the middle east, it's the holy land. But I understand there is a lot of political and geographic information missing here that I need to include.
please don't tell me this is you replacement for FNO.......because I can already tell this will be an uphill battle of you lying to me that it's not related to it and then as we point out more issues realize that it is.

Explaining the map of FNO doesn't help me understand this nation as Pivul. New King wanting to conguer the land seems pretty drastic. But even for just a vision we aren't getting a good idea of how bad it will be.

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This was meant to be an informal situation between the two of them. I could take a different approach to the situation entirely. Ideally, Lucius is supposed to be someone she feels closer to and can be more vulnerable to whereas with others she would have to take on that godly image. I think it would be best if I put multiple situations here that show off the strong distinction, perhaps an actual strategic meeting and this encounter.


Luscious and Helen don't say anything too casual but they treat the important things casually which is a problem. The decisions based on casual conversation are drastically different. So that is the problem. Strategic meeting could be done. It also give us a taste of how government works in this nation.

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I can see that, I could add some information there. I would say that it would be natural to have obligations to the church in her situation so I made her a part of a praise dance team. Players of the game would appreciate this lore because her character is based on the archetypal "Blade Dancer" class of RPGs and so her sword fighting skills and dancing skills work together to make her a perfect fit for the Blade Regalia even though mentally she's against both of those tasks. As Helen shows most people aren't mentally fitting into their Regalia anymore. But again I understand that information is missing there and I need to add some continuity.
I'm already getting a FNO vibe by Katherine being another form of Tara. Praise dancing??? This world gives off a strong medieval type but praise dancing is something far more modern and it's not even something most people do as a form of worship. It's strictly done by African American communities.



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I think the problem here is the fact that Helen is missing information too, she doesn't have a full vision and she doesn't even know why the new king will suddenly be able to conquer them, but this is what she has to work with and she's trying to be faithful. I also didn't want to have her repeat herself too much having already spoken to Lucius. I think adding that information you mentioned was missing in the beginning would be a great service to this scene.


Explaining it differently would be enough. But really regardless of the situation she is physically compatible for a regalia. And the rest of the explanation can be done.

That comment about Helen trying to be faithful makes absolutely no sense. And the goal here is to get more understanding. Are you saying blind ignorance is part of the characters personalities? This is a problem. Me the reader (not player) don't know how much Helen knows or doesn't know. She apparently knows more but it doesn't seem the case.

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I would say that I could have set aside more time to distinguish why this is so dramatic for her. We are missing a big piece and that is what exactly the blade regalia is and that would put the puzzle together very easily. As players would know she's a blade dancer. So I would need to show some indication that wearing the Regalia would mean she would be 1. Dancing, 2. Fighting, and 3. Serving the church which are 3 things she's known to be skilled at but has life goals dedicated to avoiding those 3 things.

Which nothing in this story suggests that. In this case how would Katherine know about that? I'm still strongly iffy about the praise dancing. She doesn't need to be a praise dancer to wear the regalia. That's just a coincidence that is clearly meant for you the wroter not the readers.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 29, 2017, 06:50:24 pm
It should be obvious

That's what I thought too.

Not exactly as long for interest in the mechanics but what they are. Keeping this a mystery is pointless even if one gets a better understanding of it when seem in action. The problem still lies that you mentioned regalia  (knowing nothing about them) and then in the same NARRATION say that the world needed better regalia. Lack of context here.

The regalia in design is incredibly simple. It represents the physical attributes of God, not the mental attributes. So anything that pertains to what God can do physically is given to man by wearing regalia. The fruit gave us knowledge, the regalia gave us strength. The purpose of the allusion is to define regalia that way. That's the reason why I want it there, and that's why I want to try and get more value out of it. Because I'm not getting value out of it.

In the narration I said that better regalia was created I think the problem here is if the introduction works we get: What is regalia - clothing that makes us like God. How much like God? I don't answer that question, and because I failed to quantify the effects it doesn't make much sense when I say "better regalia".

please don't tell me this is you replacement for FNO.......because I can already tell this will be an uphill battle of you lying to me that it's not related to it and then as we point out more issues realize that it is.

Explaining the map of FNO doesn't help me understand this nation as Pivul. New King wanting to conguer the land seems pretty drastic. But even for just a vision we aren't getting a good idea of how bad it will be.


Sounds like if I say no, then I'm a liar so I'm going to say yes. Designing the game I didn't need a world, so I never needed to make a new one. I took that asset from FNO and other assets, but that's about the end of my thought process there. If there are subconscious connections to FNO then I can't help that. I'm not conscious of it.

You are right, do need more information on Pulvia and what they're about. I will add it.

I'm already getting a FNO vibe by Katherine being another form of Tara. Praise dancing??? This world gives off a strong medieval type but praise dancing is something far more modern and it's not even something most people do as a form of worship. It's strictly done by African American communities.

If by Tara vibes you mean reflection of my self, then my answer is no, I'm not a praise dancer. The cannibal is also a reflection of myself but I wouldn't say I've eaten anyone recently. I added that because she is an archetypal blade dancer. We'll just say that's another thing about this world that's different. She could be a choir singer and make things more orthodox, but that wouldn't offer her skills as a Blade Dancer. That's my thought process. She doesn't need to have that skill immediately, it could be something for her to learn as she grows as a character. I'm not going to say that's the only way to do it.

Explaining it differently would be enough. But really regardless of the situation she is physically compatible for a regalia. And the rest of the explanation can be done.

That comment about Helen trying to be faithful makes absolutely no sense. And the goal here is to get more understanding. Are you saying blind ignorance is part of the characters personalities? This is a problem. Me the reader (not player) don't know how much Helen knows or doesn't know. She apparently knows more but it doesn't seem the case.


Well I guess faithful is the wrong word there because you need something to have faith in. I think obedient fits better there. I see I need to give more context to what Helen's position is. I think it would service the reader to actually see the revelation she was given.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: guest4 on May 30, 2017, 07:05:43 am
Here's something I'd like you to know that happened during work not long ago . Two of my work buddies came to me after I've dealt with a customer at the cash counter , after taking a peek at my laptop running behind the shop in the security room . I've used a remote access to access my PC back at home and had this page currently on display just so I can resume composing a feedback when I had the time .
They know of my second job and that I create art and offer critiques to art and recently , writing remotely , whenever I'm at work when I got free time or on security post . I didn't know that you've replied to me on my last post until they came at me laughing .

Me : What's funny behind there ?
Work Buddy 1 : Who's is this Tara ?
Me : Just someone on the internet whom I'm engaging with currently . You read them ?

While letting out a laugh or two , both of my work buddies began explaining things that I've never heard of , so I'm assuming that it's the new reply from you . One of my work buddy took me in to let me read it while the other made an impromptu duty switch with me , just so I can be behind there to read it .

Work Buddy 1 : I can't believe you're still trying to talk sense to him !
Me : You know tha-
Work Buddy 1 : Do your mate a favor and just troll the f*** out of this person ! Or send this person to *Site name undisclosed* ! This guy is so f***ing stupid , he can't see his d*** ! (Word for word , this was his exact response)
Me : Not my job ; going to drop this one anyways once I've presented my feedback and if I received an expected response . (this was after I've read Lumaria's feedback and made some comparison with your older work) . I'm days behind on my one-shot , after all .

The rest of the conversation is basically him reading your posts and pestering me to back him up into trolling you . I'm just busy with the security duty , looking at the monitor . Can't use my laptop , so I can't resume writing my feedback until my shift ends .

As for the other work buddy of mine , he's got a Master Degree on Social Studies (He works in a convenient store because the job demand for his kind of qualification is currently all filled) and if he laughs at what you've written , it becomes self-explanatory . And all mockery aside , that "rude" work buddy of mine is right though and it's understandable how tempting it is for a 'clown-like' person like he is to want to make fun of you , but I'm not interested .

Here's the deal : I won't reply to that post at all if you decide to end it by not even responding to this post . Deal ?

EDIT : I'm only a third way through your story .
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 30, 2017, 01:53:37 pm
Very theatrical anecdote you've got there. It's pathetic enough that I'll assume it's true. If his degree in social studies was so useful wouldn't he know the solution to get through to me? Oh wait it's not useful. I love that terminology, "job demand is filled" because there is no "job demand" for that degree. Especially if all the insight it gives you is "just troll the f*** out of this person". I wouldn't hire him either. I think you mean Sociology which is very different from Psychology, which is of course, an actually useful degree that could give you insight on how to win this argument.

I know people with masters degrees who believe I'm a very reasonable person. Doesn't prove anything. All you've done in that post is try to show off how much better your moral principles are than that person. Why? So I'll appreciate your response more? Humans are supposed to be nice to each other. I'm not going to applaud your for doing what's expected.

Here's the deal : I won't reply to that post at all if you decide to end it by not even responding to this post . Deal ?

Here's the deal. You don't have anything constructive to post in this thread, you don't post at all. Grow up and take responsibility for your own post. Don't pretend like it has anything to do with me. I get that this is supposed to appeal to this strange idea you have that I'm a liar trying to appear correct looking for an out to a situation that I can't win, and you're inclined to believe what you want. I'm not desperate for you to stop throwing ad hominems at me. The problem with logical fallacies is when you know the logic is fallacious it's not very compelling. 

What is the argument here anyway? What is in question? My correctitude? Correct about what? Because it's not the work in question. There is so much attack on the man (ad hominem) that I don't even know what the man is arguing that you're against.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: guest4 on May 30, 2017, 02:07:45 pm
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A nu_de woman is frolicking through a beautiful garden conversing with a snake who is wrapped tightly around the branch of a tree producing a foreign fruit.
Unless if it's a radical re-imagining of the said reference , this may have been alot more better if you depict the reference itself . It saves you lots of time and trouble .

Girl : The serpent, though full of lies, knew the best way to make a lie convincing is to put some truth into it. It’s true, after we ate the fruit we became like God. Enlightened, we crafted the first Regalia out of the leaves of the garden which gave us the strength to fend for ourselves.
Better narration required that is readable and understandable to the readers . By reading this , I'm assuming that it's religion-related , so I can't make proper corrections nor I can understand what you're trying to tell me about .

Narrator: People never stopped wanting to become God. War broke out across the land in the rush for power people began to craft stronger, more efficient regalia. They turned soldiers into weapons of mass destruction, and humanity nearly eradicated itself. For the sake of future generations, the art of crafting regalia was taken to our ancestors’ graves. It has been long since forgotten.
Unless the girl's narration is for each setting/scene , group them all as one . Also , better writing required (the corrections made above in red are a few of that corrections on better writing throughout the whole script .

The scene changes to a young girl dressed in the clothing of a traditional nun. We are shown that she is the narrator who spoke. She is in a room of a chapel where many clothes are hung up, a wardrobe of regalia. She is accompanied by a knight in a full suit of armor but no helmet. He is quite tall and middle aged with silver hair cut short and sky blue eyes.
Better writing . Beyond repair on my end . Also , make use of typeface only to indicate a scene/setting , please . No need to tell the readers what it is ...

Girl : Now we wear the regalia left over from the wars handed down over generations for a thousand years. The Regalia I wear fits me purely by coincidence, but it doesn’t suit me at all. It was crafted over a thousand years ago for the arch bishop’s daughter.
Bad arrangement , left as it was , it creates disconnection . If the narrator is the girl , then it's the girl . The early revelation also feels very off , as if it wasn't introduced the right way (so , I crossed that out as it was) .
At the end of this point , I'm very , very lost . The first paragraph , I was thrown into a religious lore , then I'm in a rebellionious era in the next paragraph and before I make the re-arrangement , I was all peaceful . Three different pockets of historical lore narration all not connected to each other very vaguely , the link being solely on Regalia and even so , I still don't know exactly what Regalia is and it's importance that triggers the war . How is it that mere humans able to make God's weapon , and more efficient one at that , without eating the fruit and turning gods themselves ? If they're all gods , whats the point in calling gods 'gods' ? Why is it neccessary to even hide the secret when mere human had already made one better en masse ? Since it's now mass produced , it's no longer a secret anymore , even if you hide it because the other millions would still know how to make them and would most probably inherit all of those knowledge in forging a Regalia to their apperentice , right ? Doesn't that de-values Regalia if all of these happens to just a regular equipment ? Isn't it more sensible to craft something other than Regalia that only the gods themselves has the ability to craft and use ? Why Regalia should still be revered as a royalty equipment in the present ? Don't you think a thousand years is too much to even care to use , treasure or remember for something that a mere peasant can make ? Or that a lot of things can happen over the span of a thousand years , like a radical tactical change in warfare ? Furthermore , just who is this serpent ? Does it have any play in the lore and/or the present event ? What lies ? Is the garden just any garden or some special garden and if it is special , how are mere humans able to attain it , let alone the fruit ? What's the point of the fruit having a role at all if mere humans can make Regalia as well , but better ?

That's a lot of 'holes' being presented just for the lore alone and we haven't even gotten to the actual story yet ... .

Quote
Knight: What do you mean it doesn’t suit you, Lady Helen? Well I’m sure she wasn’t as mature as you, but you love the Lord just as much as she did.

Helen: She was a lot fonder of pink than I am. I would’ve gone for a different color.

Knight: Pink? Your habit is black and white. Wait do you mean-
Better wording and writing .

Helen looks at him. The Knight blushes.

Knight: The underwear?

Helen: Haha, you said underwear!

Knight: I take back what I said about you being mature.
Is this even neccessary ?

Helen: I’m only joking, Lucius. Looks can be deceiving in this day and age. And at my age, most people wouldn’t see a leader in me. But just as God shaped my body to fit into these clothes he called me to this position for a reason.

Lucius: You are the Oracle of Sanctum.

Helen: But I’m not strong enough, not with this regalia.

Lucius: Not strong enough for what?

Helen: I had a vision. There is a new king of Pulvia, his armies will destroy Fort Peter and he will come to this church himself and demand that we bow down and worship him, or be destroyed.

The girl reaches for a dress adorned with many swords entitled the “Blade Regalia”.

Helen: But if I were to wear one of these, the most powerful regalia in all of the land, perhaps, I could have the power to stop him myself.

Lucius: You know you can only draw power from a regalia if it fits you properly. You’re much too small to fit into a dress like that.

Helen: I know but I just hate feeling like this. Demons are among us wearing humans as clothing, thousands of Sanctum’s citizens are suffering in poverty, and now this. And I’m stuck here meditating and reading all day. I feel so useless. I wish I could do more.

Lucius: You’ve done more than enough for all of the people of Sanctum. We are at your service, Helen. If there’s anything you need from me, you need but ask.

She turns to him.

Helen: Then I do have a request. There are four sets of regalia here. I need you to find the people who can fit into these Regalia.
This whole conversation is too casual for royalty standards . Also , lots of question starts popping out from this but all may be easily answered if you provided the character bio , summary , etc. before you post up the chapter .

At this point , I can't be bothered to fix the script for any grammatical , wording , composition , sentence structuring , etc. without having to re-do all of this re-writing myself . I keep encountering one after another pretty much next to each other or as a whole . Also , Regalia = proper nouns .

Quote
The scene changes to a medieval nobleman’s home made of brick. In the garden behind the house a man and a woman are practicing swordplay in a duel against one another. The two fight as equals until the woman makes a sloppy decision. The man takes advantage of the opening and stops his weapon just before her throat as a sign of defeat.

The Man: It’s not like you to be this sloppy, Katherine. Something on your mind?

Katherine: Sorry, Dad, I just -

The Father: Your enemy won’t let you get away with that sloppy performance

Katherine: I don’t want to join the military, Dad.

The Father: Katherine, you know it’s our duty to serve our country as a Knight of noble blood.

He places his hand on her shoulder. Understanding her distress.

The Father: Sometimes we have to do things we don’t like, it’s a part of life. . . I think that’s enough practice for today. We’ll pick it up tomorrow.

Katherine: Alright.

Later that afternoon, Katherine is sitting on a bench in the garden reading a book. An older woman walks up to her.

The Woman: Katherine, this is second time you’ve missed dance rehearsal, you know they need you in the praise team.

Katherine: Sorry, Mom, but I’m old enough to start looking for a husband, and I

The Mother: That’s no reason to skip out on your obligations to the church

Katherine: Am I not allowed to feel excited about this?

The Mother: Katherine. You need to get your priorities straight. Who comes first? God or-

Katherine: Well the church and God are two different things-

The Mother: Katherine! Not another word.

The father approaches them accompanied by two members of the church, a blonde woman and a brown-haired man.

Katherine (Thinking): Inquisitors? But we already had our examinations this year.

The Blonde: Sorry to interrupt Mrs. Smith, but prophet Helen has ordered that we perform a physical examination of all citizens. Do not be alarmed, this is purely routine.

The Mother: Of course, this is my only daughter, Katherine.

The Blonde: It’s nice to meet you, Katherine. My name is Evie Thompson, and I’ll be your examiner today.

The scene changes to a more private room within the house where Evie is taking Katherine’s measurements. Stripped down to her undergarments, Katherine isn’t the least bit embarrassed; in fact, she is holding a conversation with the inquisitor.
Are you trying to make an erotic story here ? If not , this is absolutely unneccessary

Katherine: I swear talking to them is like talking to a brick wall. I don’t want to serve in the military. I wouldn’t have to if I married out of this family. I just want to be able to settle down, have a family and live a normal life.

Evie: Amen to that.

Evie’s eyes widen as she takes the last measurement.

Evie (Speaking to herself): You-you’re a perfect fit.

Katherine: Excuse me?

Evie: Get dressed, quickly.

Evie leaves the room as Katherine puts her clothes back on.

Katherine: What was that all about?

Katherine (Thinking): “perfect fit” . . . for a regalia?

Evie returns with the other inquisitor.

The Man: Ms. Smith, we need you to come with us.

Evie: I’m really sorry about this, Katherine.

The inquisitors take Katherine to the Cathedral where Helen was speaking with Lucius. The take her to the wardrobe room where only Helen and two others were waiting, a boyish young man and a young woman no older than Katherine. Katherine quickly bows down with her head to the ground.

Helen: Please, tell me your name.

Katherine: Katherine Angela Smith, I’m at your service, ma’am.

Helen kneels down and pulls Katherine’s head up by her chin.

Helen: Rise up Katherine, for this is a momentous occasion. Sanctum is in a time of crisis. The armies of Pulvia have risen up under a new king. Our armies are not strong enough to face this new enemy and so we must take advantage of the regalia left behind by our ancestors

Katherine’s eyes widen and she remembers Evie’s mysterious apology.

Katherine (Thinking): Eli . . .

Helen: The Lord has chosen you three to wear the regalia because you are the only ones who can.

Katherine (Thinking): Eli . . .

Helen: You are our last line of defense. You will have the power to move mountains at your fingertips. Say goodbye to your normal lives.

Katherine (Thinking): Lema sabachthani!

Translation: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
I would've given you an F on your English for such an amateur mistake in writing . Do you call your own father or somebody else's father 'The father' ? The blonde ? What blonde ?

http://www.englishpage.com/articles/a-an-vs-the.htm

You don't refer a random person or an unidentified person making that perticular dialogue by adding 'the' . This is the first time in my entire life reviewing stories written in script form that does this .If it's a random man initiating that dialogue , call it 'Man' . If there are more than two man initiating seperate multiple dialogues but you want to make the readers know who is speaking what dialogue , give them visual cue(s) e.g : Blonde man and Ugly-looking man . If the unidentified man had a relation with another person , specify it e.g : Martha's dad , Peaface's twin brother .
Incomplete , but do I have any reason to finish this anymore ?

I'll take my leave .

EDIT : Document dumping .
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on May 30, 2017, 08:02:45 pm
My biggest problem is that Katherine will be falling under Mary sue territory. A character who has no real flaw that defines her and yet be the center of attention. She's already a character who has been given high expectations and not a seed of doubt other than her own (which is not a flaw) praise dancing in itself I find an excuse. She doesn't need to be a praise dancer, she can be just a dancer. I do believe praise dancing isn't even a commonly accepted form of worship so it conflicts with this world you're trying to set up.

I don't know 100% if De Angelus is saying this is, but the Religion aspects are indeed so heavy handed. This doesn't feel like a natural world. When it comes to your previous stories you always had an agenda and the story and characters were always in the backseat while your focus was your agensa. So every single time we reviewed something and the flaws showed up you reveal your true intentions.

I feel like you want to use Blade Regalia to express your religious beliefs. And that's not a problem if you only focused on what made a good story and character. You have to genuinely ask yourself " Do I absolutely need this in my

I can forgive bad grammar if you at least have a good basic story.  It's a decent start but you're lagging in both creativity department and . But I agree the vast majority of the issues with grammar are a bit overwhelming. I'm hoping that for now this was just a rushed job and you have more to share. But every time we are going "somewhere" you hit the reset button.

So I do hope you stick around and actually refine the story rather than just constantly pressing the reset button.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 30, 2017, 11:15:49 pm
I want to preface this reply by saying that this is a graphic novel. I appreciate what both of you are doing, but the topic of word choice and grammar, except in the case of dialogue, is completely irrelevant to me because the reader will not see panels that say "the scene changes" the reader will see the scene that it was changed to. If you're having trouble imagining what I'm describing, that is different and worth looking into.

The script does not exist. The storyboard does not exist, the only thing I'm worried about is the final product. The script and the storyboard are purely a means to an end. Imagine you were complaining to me that the images on the storyboard were poorly drawn. That does not help the final product at all. I know that's an easy thing to poke at, but you will reduce clutter by doing so and make it easier for me to understand the things that actually do need improvement.

I am the illustrator. I am the color artist. I am the background artist. Not you. The storyboard works for me, then that's how I'll do it, the script works for me, that's how I'll do it. The final product is designed for you, that's how I'll do it.

My agenda:
I have 118 characters each with their own distinct abilities appearances and backgrounds and my task is to build some continuity between them through a serial work that introduces characters in the order in which they are released into the game. It is my personal decision to acknowledge the church that has supported the development of Blade Regalia. This is the reason why there are religious constructs brought up in this story. For the sake of writing the story, the answer is no, not one of these 118 characters is even slightly necessary, and no, the religious constructs are not necessary either.

@Lumaria

My biggest problem is that Katherine will be falling under Mary sue territory. A character who has no real flaw that defines her and yet be the center of attention. She's already a character who has been given high expectations and not a seed of doubt other than her own (which is not a flaw) praise dancing in itself I find an excuse. She doesn't need to be a praise dancer, she can be just a dancer. I do believe praise dancing isn't even a commonly accepted form of worship so it conflicts with this world you're trying to set up.

I will take note of this, and approach it in the next rendition. The reason why I did not make her a regular dancer is because it seemed odd to have both obligations as a future soldier and a dancer. These two things seemed like tasks that you would specialize in. I would think that not every blacksmith was also a tailor and a carpenter. But if it was for the church we could excuse the multiple tasks as the church would often be a second obligation, like paying tithes is just like a second tax from the government. The purpose of this is to give her immediate skill in the task of dancing. This could be something for her to learn later. This is not something that's necessary, nor is it something that I care about personally.

So I do hope you stick around and actually refine the story rather than just constantly pressing the reset button.

I do intend to release another rendition and I will aim towards making things as visual as possible for you as the reviewer.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on May 31, 2017, 01:41:59 am
My agenda:
I have 118 characters each with their own distinct abilities appearances and backgrounds and my task is to build some continuity between them through a serial work that introduces characters in the order in which they are released into the game. It is my personal decision to acknowledge the church that has supported the development of Blade Regalia. This is the reason why there are religious constructs brought up in this story. For the sake of writing the story, the answer is no, not one of these 118 characters is even slightly necessary, and no, the religious constructs are not necessary either.


And this is Why it absolutely has to be distinct from the video game. I can't tell you how to make a good story as a game. A video game involves a lot more. You can forgive a lot of pacing issues because players usually have control of the pacing. The story telling is through player control. Translating this as a "graphic novel" just doesn't seem to work.

But with that said you just proved how much you push your agenda against the story where it is in red. I want to clarify that everyone has some form of agenda in their story. We all have our own bias and anyone telling you they are unbias is a liar.

The goal should always be to make a good story first, agenda second. You cannot force an agenda into a story.  And this is a problem with a lot of christian-based (not christian-inspired) books. They come off more preechy than entertaining. When You saying the 118 characters you made up aren't necessary or the religious constructs. Then you are admitting that you are not in it to improve your writing.

The religious construct at it's core is a basic aspect of your story. But nothing as to why it's the only one. Manga have covered A lot of religious ideas before. Difference Is they wanted you to get invested in a world where religion is an important aspect to them and how it effects the characters. It usually moves the story forward in less direct ways.

But in yours, it feels a little too preechy. You immediately have God giving direct visions to one of the Head priestess, and immediately taking action. Here these characters loyalty to  their God  is the main selling point (which you have correlated with the Christian God) . Nothing else is moving these characters forward.

Especially when absolutely nothing else exists in this world.  Good story first, agenda second. If the agenda is getting in the way of a good story. Sacrifice the agenda. Because if you can't write a good story,


Quote
I will take note of this, and approach it in the next rendition. The reason why I did not make her a regular dancer is because it seemed odd to have both obligations as a future soldier and a dancer. These two things seemed like tasks that you would specialize in. I would think that not every blacksmith was also a tailor and a carpenter. But if it was for the church we could excuse the multiple tasks as the church would often be a second obligation, like paying tithes is just like a second tax from the government. The purpose of this is to give her immediate skill in the task of dancing. This could be something for her to learn later. This is not something that's necessary, nor is it something that I care about personally.
dancing doesn't have to be an "obligation". But the problem is that you're trying to make everything too on the nose. If you want her to be a dancer and a warrior that's fine. But honestly you lack so much creativity.

First of all, why does she have to be a warrior? A common trope in any writing is that they take a skill they already know and apply it to the skill they need to acquire.

So Katherine immediately being skilled at both just makes such a lack lister character. It proves you weren't thinking about a good character developing or how the story will progress, you were only focused on how it fits as a game character.

As an interesting plot point of the Blade Regalia is suppose to reach it's maximum potential by having both skills as a warrior and dancer, then it would be more entertaining I'd she was skilled in only one of them at first as she trains on the other.

But to be honest, with this story moving for a strong religious tone. Regalia as a form of war just don't seem to male any sense. Especially a "Blade Regalia". It makes sense if it wasn't trying to be based on the Christian God and just invent one for the story. But you refuse to focus on telling a good story.


Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: HematoLogMeIn on May 31, 2017, 08:44:02 am
Christ, you guys love to bicker. I'll leave this thread open so that when I get back from classes I can read for myself and try to provide an outside opinion. In the meantime, try not to tear each other to threads with harsh reviews and offensive defensiveness.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on May 31, 2017, 03:30:26 pm
I do want to mention my main concern is story. And my worries come from many reviews from the same person. I don't want to be harsh but I do say what I feel is the problem with these stories.

And usually in this case it's the writer. The same mistakes tend to repeat.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: HematoLogMeIn on June 01, 2017, 12:17:46 am
All right, so yes, some of the writing is a bit confusing, but I could easily follow what was going on for the most part once I understood that sometimes what we think and what words spill out on the keyboard aren't the same (or even close). At this point, it does take some (a lot of) mental fill-in-the-blanks, and depending on the audience, that may be a thorn in your side.

I've never seen Akame ga Kill; however, the vibe I get from this is more Witchblade than say, Marchen Awakens Romance. Just because the idea is "basic" doesn't mean it's not usable. If anything, I'd recommend looking at those stories and seeing what works and what doesn't. Things to keep in mind are the stakes that the characters are fighting against and the drawbacks of using power, even if it's an outside tool.

You can nit-pick and edit and reedit and so on until infinity with grammar, syntax, punctuation, spelling, etc., but when it comes to the first few drafts, it's all about organizing the themes and plot points into something at least semi-coherent. It seems Lumaria and DeAngelus are...how do I put this?...quite focused on that "incompleteness". I wouldn't worry about it too much, since it's all part of the creative process. Eventually, after going back for the fifth or so draft, you'll probably get to that coherency that they're demanding. Words are hard. Let them come out like a jumbled mess at first. Once they're on a page, they're easier to manage, I find.

As weird as this advice may be, I'm going to suggest also looking into tactics that actors use to depict their characters. Most of my friends are theatre majors, and I'm one of the few in the English department. I've learned a lot from them, how each character has a motive, how they push, pull, punish, and reward, and that a monologue has to start with the feeling that the listener will immediately shut down the speaker and disregard them. It provides tremendous insight into how characters function, and it seems to have helped me understand a few things along my way.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on June 01, 2017, 12:46:27 am
For the record I tried this approach before. It doesn't always work for everyone. The cycle of reviews when we try that approach is 1) We trust that there is more 2) reveal the odd character traits and odd pacing 3) revealed how it's connected to a very bad idea that doesn't help move the story forward. 4) he presses the reset button and asks us to trust that the new version is better even though the process repeats.

However I don't want the entire story. But just enough to lay a proper foundation. There were still too many gaps for basic comprehension of the plot and themes.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on June 01, 2017, 08:54:11 pm
I have added a new rendition of chapter 1. This one is more lengthy than the previous works and is separated in to the Prologue/introduction, the exposition and the actual chapter in case you would like to review them separately. This version also introduces more of the plot. I've paid attention to being as straightforward with everything as possible. While I was told that many things did indeed need work, I paid more attention to making everything as obvious as possible and applying the right context to each situation. (Of course the prologue is meant to be a bit more mysterious)

I do not intend to make any drastic changes to this chapter. I do intend to move on to chapter 2 shortly after this, but I am willing to make smaller changes, like certain actions, responses and dialogue.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on June 02, 2017, 01:06:52 am
Key to having a good prologue is that it shouldn't interfere with the first chapter but also compliment the story. The way you wrote the prologue feels like it is meant to be an actual chapter we will see down the line.

Manga/Graphic Novels/Comics usually don't need prologue (as much as DC and Marvel would like to convince you that they do) At least a dedicated chapter called prologue. This looks like you'll be using it in future chapters so its not necessary.

 
As for chapter 1. You did absolutely nothing to fix or expand some glaring holes on Katherine. Rather than making sense of the mess you had or rewrite it to something that does make sense, you removed it entirely. And the story is still told rather than shown to is. Why should I care about Katherine's love life?

I am not drawn to the conversation between Evie and Katherine. It's an excuse not to give us proper character development. You just threw her in the middle of it all.

You have ideas in what to reveal but you are not trying to out yourself in your readers shoes. And because of that, you dont reveal them in a natural way. This is your #1 issue. 

I'm not being pulled into this story...

Things I believe are absolutely necessary to establish on the first chapter.

#1) Who is Katherine. What's she like? What are her aspirations and why. You don't have to completely give us the break down of each asoect but enough that it feels established and keep readers at bay. Readers should be able to describe her.

#2) What's the setting we are looking at? Is this  and what is it like? The story wants to address a war or something in that fashion is about to occur. So why should we be concerned if we don't even habe enough to care? This mat sound like a ridiculous aspect to focus on. But I assure you for your type of story. It is not.

#3) So you seem to avoid directly telling us what Regalia are. Although the images give us a basic odea. The narration is sloppy. You cannot just casually bring up that man created Regalia. A better idea is first identifying what it is, then giving the name. There is absolutely no need to be cryptic.


This is usually the problem with allowing the "mess" to remain. Because you don't focus on what the chapter should accomplish. You only focus on what readers should know but not establish why they should care. Remember back then every time I asked you why as a reader we should care? You never answered the question. You never tried to put yourself in that mindset. Which was frustrating. Because we can't help you until you force yourself to go outside of your head and read your story like it was someone else's.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: guest4 on June 02, 2017, 11:26:05 am
In a vast green garden , dotted with patches of colorful flowers and trees bearing vibrant fruits with radiant light illuminating the scene , giving a heavenly-like setting . Under a tree , a naked female figure stands under it , staring at a fruit hanging within' arms reach .

Narration : The forbidden fruit - bearer of gift and knowledge of Gods , comes at a sinful price when touched or eaten . In God's Will - whomever touches or consumes it shall be punished for giving in to their temptation - a banishable punishment no different than death itself . No one in the heavens under the god's protection and guidance had ever dared to defy it , or so it was .

A serpent slithering down from the tree , staring at the girl with a sinister look , evoking fear in her as she's unable to avert gaze .

Narration : "Why do you resist such temptation ?" the serpent speaks , "Is it because you can't defy God's Will ? You fear 'His' wrath ? With this gift , you can gain 'His' gift and be god yourself and you don't have to fear 'Him' no longer . You no longer need 'His' guidance and 'His' embrace anymore - you are ... free , free to do what you wish for , hope for or more , free from everything , even from all of sins you had before . Isn't it a blessing to be one step closer to understanding God himself ?"

The fruit on her hand with a piece of it being eaten away . A glowing , warm light shines from a distance .

Narration : Believing the serpent's words , she consumes the fruit . A flow of enlightenment and soothing feeling coarse through the body . A thunderous sound , enough to rattle hearts soon follows - she faints from it . In her unconscious mind , she had realized that she gave herself in to temptation - the divine punishment - she accepts the fate that befalls onto her .

In a stone-walled building , decorated with draperies with a similar emblem on all and several chandeliers strewn on the walls and on the roof . The center of it , a large bed befitting of a royalty is where she lies with a beam of light shining down on her while being cared for by a few people in nun-outfit . At the distance , there are hundreds of people either on their knees and palm together or having their foreheads touching the floor .

Narration : Upon opening her eyes , she was in unfamiliar place . She attempts to flee in fear , only to be stopped by a person tending to her . She weeps and pleas to her for her blessing , similar pleas echoes throughout the chamber . "Please God , bless us with your protection !" . While in a state of disbelief , a ray of light beams down onto her . Looking up , she can feel a familiar warmth - she closes her eyes , embracing that warmth . "Redemption is a form of purification . Answer the needs , and you shall be forgiven" , the God spoke to her in her mind - A feeling of hope and faith came flowing back within her , knowing that she wasn't forsaken . Following God's Will , she seeks redemption , she answers to their pleas , her power and knowledge of the Gods coarse through her body .

By the window of the chamber she's in . Beyond it , a city under fire with several hundreds of people within the area holding back close to a thousand people from approaching the inner castle gate , all clad in armors and swords . Under the window emits a bright light with her in the center of it , surrounded by several dozen people , all awe-struck .

Narration : Gazing out through the window , she's witnesses and hears the same plea for help from the suffering . Fully understanding their prayers , she grabs on to a sword and a piece of plate armor lying all damaged on the ground nearby and recites her prayer faithfully while holding the two pieces close to her . A warm , bright light emanates from her , putting people within' the vicinity in an awe-struck state . In that light , the armor and the sword was seen by those with keen eyes , transforming itself into something new , something different .

In the same chamber , several soldiers outfitting themselves with the equipments blessed by the girl . The remaining soldiers are seen carrying remnants of armors and swords from outside the chamber into the chamber and being placed in front of her while she continues her prayer .

Narration : "Wear them with God's blessings" , she blesses one of the soldier as she offers it to him in the chamber . "Offer me all of this and I shall bless them all in God's Name !" as she holds up a broken sword and damaged breastplate . Standing in the middle of the chamber , surrounded by all the damaged equipments that the soldiers could salvaged , she recites her prayers again .

*Two-parts panel*
(Panel A) In a middle of a burning town not far from the castle , several dozens of soldier clad in blessed equipment fighting along other soldiers in normal equipment against the opposing force , with some from the opposing force displaying a fearful face . In a distance , a ray of light can be seen emanating from the castle .
(Panel B) Several surviving soldiers clad in the new armor and sword thrusting their sword into the air while watching the fleeting opposing force on top of the walls , expressing their victory in a glorious manner


Narration : With the Gods by their side , they had a renewed faith and motivation - they fought back the invading forces . Witnessing the newfound power and determination of these soldier clad in the new armor and weapon , the opposing forces were struck in fear as their numbers started dropping rapidly . Despite the number odds , the tide was turned . Fighting a now losing battle , the opposing forces are forced to retreat - victorious at last . After months of war , they stood on top of the wall , thrusting their sword up in the air , they owe their thanked the Gods for granting the peace the kingdom had hoped for Feeling the need to thank the Gods , they went back into the castle to offer their upmost , lifelong gratitude , only to be faced with the shocking 'message' ...

In the throne room . The girl standing in the middle of it radiating light and steadily turning translucent while a beam of light shine down on her is seen comforting a few weeping people dressed in a nun outfit who are holding onto her while kneeling . Several soldiers in the foreground standing by the doorway in a state of shock .

Narration : "I have redeemed myself . I must go back to the heavens to be by God's side ..." she solemnly bids them farewell . As insistent they are , they know they can't hold her back down - she do not belong here . "O' blessed God , before you ascend , I wish to know your name , I beg of you !" they pleaded . "Regalia" , she answered , just before she disappears . There was a moment of solemn silence in the throne room , until someone breaks the silence with two words ...

In the throne room , present day . Behind the throne , a series of chevettes housing 'God-blessed' armors and swords that are worn by the soldiers in the past . A girl dressed in a princess outfit is seem standing next to a man clad in helm-less armor with silver-long hair , both looking at one of the equipments displayed .

Princess : "Regalia Blade" . They find honoring her Gift on behalf of the Gods by naming the equipments she had blessed for them after her the best way . And for more than a hundred years , it's been kept here , awaiting the next batch of heroes to adorn them , continuing the God's Will that had been bestowed on the previous bearers . *Touches one of the armor*

Knight : Your majesty ...

Princess : One of this set is the one I can wear and had been for years . I wonder if I could find the others who will adorn the rest of these alongside me ...

Knight : Your majesty !

Princess : Didn't I warn you to not refer me to 'your majesty' , Lucius ? I'm too young to be a queen yet and most importantly , I have a name *frowns face* !

Lucius : P-pardon my impoliteness , Princess Helen *lowers head* ...

Helen : ... do you want me to-

Lucius : Anything but that , Helen . Please don't chop off my 'pride' again ! *shivers in fear while grabbing onto his hair*

A flashback of Lucius and Helen back when they were teenagers . Helen is seen swinging a practice sword recklessly and accidentally shaving off most of Lucius's long hair off his head . Lucius wore an expression of disbelief .

Helen : *Sigh* I kind of wish that you'd treat me the same way before when you didn't know I am a princess - as friends . Can you drop all of that honorifics and talk casually , please ? We're not in a 'Royalty' situation here ...

Lucius : O ... kay ... *lowers head* ... um , may I know the reason you call me here ?

Helen : ... I had a 'vision' again .

Lucius : The same 'vision' ?

Helen : *Nods head* But this time , it feels too real to be disbelieved . The enemy we're fighting with in the past ... it seems as if they had something in their possession that will bring this kingdom down ...

Lucius : You are the Oracle of Sanctum (still figuring out this one . If I find it absolutely unnecessary , I'd modify this dialogue) ! To top it off , you are one of the stron-

Helen : *Shakes head* No , I'm actually not as strong as the God's foretold . Not even a strong as what the new king of Pulvia had in my vision . He ... he armed an army and obliterated Fort Peter with it ...

Lucius : Impossible ...

Helen : *Gloomy* ... *Turns head while clenching fist and putting on a serious face* I've decided . Lucius , I have an order for you !

A bird's eye view of the city center not far from the castle gate and the castle , stone buildings with wooden support beams , some single storey and others two encircles a central plaza with a large , female statue wearing an armor and wielding a sword with a large engraving 'Lady Regalia , God's Messenger , Goddess of (Whatever Kingdom it is , it doesn't have a name until now . So I'll shamelessly name this unnamed kingdom Mirdgar)' being the center of it . A consecutive , successive rings of building of similar architecture radiates outwards from the center , dotted with stalls throughout the city center and far in the background , an outer wall is seen , surrounded by several hills and dense forest . The general populace that populates the city a dressed in a typical Medieval Renaissance outfit , ranging from the lower-end commoners to high-end influential with the addition of soldiers in armor and nuns and monks patrolling around .
City of Mirdgar , several days later ...

A common-looking house . An anvil , a hammer and a furnace are seen on it's side and a straw dummy partially hidden behind the house . Sound of steel clashing on to each other can be heard from behind .

Young girl : *Falls on to the ground* Gyaa-auch !

Middle-aged Man : Pick up your sword . Let's try again !

Young girl : ... no .

Middle-aged Man : I'm teaching you what's necessary to become a soldier , my dear Katherine . It's in your blood ! The same thing as me , your grandfather , your -

Katherine : I'm not interested in your "sweat-y" talk , smelly-pops !

Katherine's father : Wha-

Katherine : *Hurls the practice sword in her hand high up into the air* Bleergh ! *teasing*

Katherine's father : My blood and sweat ! Why you ungrateful ...

A series of chase scenes between Katherine and her father throughout the city which ends in the slums close to the outer walls of the city . Along the way , a series of incidents and mishaps had occurred and an exchange of teases and aggravation between Katherine , her father and the commoners caught in-between had been made

Katherine's father : *Pants heavily* Hah ... hah ... if only I was as young as I was before , I could've caught her ... curses !

Katherine : *Looking from afar* Heh , old man will always be an old man . Well then , I guess I can't return back to my house for today ... time to take a stroll around here then .

In the slums , clay and wooden shacks sporadically strewn throughout the area , most of it close to the wall itself . Several people , all in rags , some looks malnourished and/or covered in dirt are seen outside certain few shacks either sitting doing nothing at all , begging or sleeping .

Katherine : *Kicks a pebble* Blasted old man ... he just can't stop with the Gods teachings and all of that other ""Regalia" this , "Regalia" that" ... *slightly gloomy* it's not that I do not respect what he is and who he follows and does . It's just that -

An act of bullying happening in front of Katherine involving two teenage guy and a little girl

Thug 1 : Oioioi , when are you going to pay for my "healing" fees , huh !? *points at his "injured" foot* Just look at it !

Thug 2 : Yeah , pay us , you slum trash ! The "Gods" had spoken to me - he wants your "OFFERINGS" to be given to us as a sign of "forgiveness" !

Little girl : Ahh ! Hic ... hic ... *Cries in pain from getting beaten up*

Katherine : ... *sighes*

Thug 1 : This is my 'Blessings' to you , you poor being ! Now give me your OFF-fuuergh ... *Faints as he got hit at the back of the head by Katherine with a wooden plank*

Katherine : A faint-worthy knockout touch by the Gods ... now that's a way to send your consciousness briefly up to the heavens , eh ?

Thug 2 : *Briefly confused and stunned* Eh !? Buddy , who was b-Bffuth ! *Faints after getting smashed in the face with the flat-side of the wooden plank by Katherine*

Katherine : That's me ! Forgive me for that , good sir ! *looks at the little girl* ... are you okay , little girl ?

Little girl : Hic ... hic ... I'm okay but I'm scared now ...

Katherine : Scared of ... them ?

Little girl : No , what if the Gods do punish me for not redeeming myself for what I've done to them ?

Katherine : ... *wearing a dissatisfied expression*

Little girl : Sis ... ter ? *perplexed*

Katherine : *Snaps out from brief silence* A-ah , s-sorry about that . I don't think the Gods would punish you ! I-I mean , he-uh , God can tell if you're in the wrong or not and judging from this , I think you did nothing wrong . No need for you to redeem yourself , little girl . I mean look at them , they're the ones who got punished instead ! See ?

Little girl : Umm ... *nods and gives off a grin before leaving Katherine , grateful*

Katherine : ... "Gods" , huh ? *Thinking back about the answer she had given to the little girl*

Flashbacks of Katherine when she was just a little kid holding dearly onto a lifeless body of her mother in tattered clothes while crying her lungs out , in the middle of a ruined village while soaked under a heavy downpour . Her father , clad in full , helm-less armor was seen kneeling close to her , in tears as well

Katherine : ... tch ! *Kicks a pebble with a lot of force , hitting one of the downed thugs , wearing an irritated expression and walks away right after that*

In a narrow corridor at dawn that leads back to the town center , several angry-looking man wielding a blunt weapon is seen blocking Katherine's way in front , with one of the man who was beaten up by her before standing alongside them

Thug 1 : Where do you think you're going , ma'am ? You haven't 'redeem' yourself by paying me the 'healing' fees for the injuries you've caused ...

Katherine : ... oh ... *runs*

Thug 1 : Get her !

A series of scenes of Katherine getting chased by a group of angry thugs in the town center , ending with her just barely able to shake off her pursuers by getting past the guards guarding the gate and right into the castle through one of the opened window , while they're not looking

Katherine : *Pants heavily* hah ... hah ... haaah ... that was close ... now I've got to figure out how to get out of-

Humming sounds are being made at the other side of the wall where Katherine is that gets louder as time passes by

Katherine : Damn it , I got to move out of this room quickly before they decide to come in here !

A series of scenes of Katherine sneaks her way past the Prayer Hall where the praying was heard and into an opened door located behind the altar the moment she wasn't being watched

Katherine : *Lets out a big sigh of relief* Another lucky escape , another big problem . What luck ...

In a throne room at night with a few candles being lit , completely unguarded . Katherine is seen walking into the room .

Katherine : This is the throne room ? I'm surprised that there are no guards here ... well , no harm in a little tour that will never happen for someone like me , huh ?

Katherine tours around the throne room like a curious cat , ending up in front of a series of chevettes that houses the Armor and Sword of Regalia .

Katherine : What are these ? They sure look like it's made for royalty but aren't they a tad bit too ... ornate ? Could the- ... hmm ? Something's off with the wall in the middle of all of these ...

Katherine gently touches the wall in question . A loud thud was made

Katherine : *Panicking* Eek ! W-w-what !

The wall in front of Katherine opens up , revealing an unknown hidden chamber , prompting her to hide herself behind a long drapery nearby to avoid any possible trouble

Katherine : ... no one came out from there ? Phew ... that totally startled me real good . I wonder what's behind there ... *Slowly peeks into the hidden chamber*

In the center of the hidden chamber , a similar Armor and Sword of Regalia lies on an ornate altar , only in bad condition and had it's color peeled right off it . Surrounding the altar are numerous statues of warrior-like figures in a prayer pose all looking towards the altar . A beam of light shines on to the throne that seemingly came from nowhere .

Katherine : That's the same kind of equipment I saw outside here but it looks so badly rusted ... *briefly touches on a piece of the broken armor*

In a private sleeping chamber in the same castle

Helen : *Suddenly wakes up from her slumber in a state of shock* !!! ... what's this I'm feeling ... *stares at the bedroom door that's currently bleeding out warm light at her* this ... this can't be ...

*Chapter 1 End*
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on June 03, 2017, 06:23:27 pm
I will make some changes but I want to maintain the same plot. I'm interested in moving on to chapter 2.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on June 03, 2017, 10:09:03 pm
Why am I not confident that you listened to anything at all? Look Tara....you write your story. I've tried giving up and you always come back promising you learned "something".


My problems with this story isn't that it needs to be changed. Just that it's missing important details for people to get invested in.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: HematoLogMeIn on June 03, 2017, 10:59:20 pm
Maybe you lack confidence because you keep looking for things to shoot down instead of opportunities for good things to happen. But, what do I know? I'm just a passive observer.

Let's see what happens and try to get Tara to finish a project instead of having you two shaming it to death and then continuing to beat it. Once that is allowed to happen, maybe, just maybe, the creative process of editing will be more helpful. After all, some people just suck at starting things. That's life.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on June 04, 2017, 12:49:25 am
Why am I not confident that you listened to anything at all? Look Tara....you write your story. I've tried giving up and you always come back promising you learned "something".


My problems with this story isn't that it needs to be changed. Just that it's missing important details for people to get invested in.

I didn't have an argument, so I didn't have much to say.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on June 04, 2017, 03:20:48 am
Maybe you lack confidence because you keep looking for things to shoot down instead of opportunities for good things to happen. But, what do I know? I'm just a passive observer.
I lack confidence because i dont feel like he understood the problem. A stronger acknowledgement would've given me more confidence such as:

"I understand this character I created has no personality whatsoever. I will make it clear what kind of person she is"

"I see that I'm talking about war but not establishing the country they live in. I will expand on that."

Or

"I understand that I need to stop making Regalia a mystery. I will expand it"
 
Quote
Let's see what happens and try to get Tara to finish a project instead of having you two shaming it to death and then continuing to beat it. Once that is allowed to happen, maybe, just maybe, the creative process of editing will be more helpful. After all, some people just suck at starting things. That's life.


Some people do suck at starting things. But starting bad doesn't create a good foundation. Keyword "Bad" not "Rocky". Its ok to start off rocky every now and then but the flaws i see here will carry to the end. In my experience i noticed when people do write a story and just continue the holes and logic continue, they don't go away, they get worst and once they finish and these issues get pointed out, the reset button has to be pressed. So at this point. Why give criticism at all if well wait for the finish product. The first chapter is the most important chapter. 

When people tell me the flaws in my first chapters I truly try to see where they are coming from. Even if I don't fully agree so long as I understand where they are coming from, I can modify it just a hit so that they can get the picture. Sometimes when no one tells me anything if i just have 5% doubt i didnt make it cear i will review it again.

I had advised multiple times in multiple stories "don't press the reset button". Take the criticism, understand it, and make adjustments and expand.

There are issues with the fundamental parts that make this story. Such as the idea of a dress made of blades and having to be both dancing and  warrior. But lack of creativity. I however noticed when Tara writes a particular character he will unconsciously make them Mary sue. And it's usually the "diverse" character. So even though Tara hasn't mentioned it here, based on patterns from before I KNOW Katherine is a character based on diversity (that and praise dancing and other elements to her character give that away).

It's important to understand what makes good character development. Just being able to wear the armor is one thing. Because you need to understand what a first chapter should have. Comics and manga are much easier.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: HematoLogMeIn on June 04, 2017, 12:24:05 pm
I think you may be missing my point. I'll be more frank.

I believe the things you're pointing out are only symptoms of a larger problem, and constantly trying to band-aid it isn't going to get Tara or anyone here anywhere. From what I understand, Tara hasn't ever really finished a project. Combining that with all that I see does show a lack of understanding of fundamentals, but the fact that it has happened over a span of years suggests that addressing him the same way will only continue the cycle.

That's why instead of worrying about the grammar or story altogether, I'm issuing a challenge: Finish the story. I don't care if the final product looks nothing at all like he'd hoped. Complete something, and from there I believe the creative process will forcibly teach him what y'all cannot seem to get through to him. At this point the only teacher will be experience.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on June 04, 2017, 05:32:20 pm
There is literally no correlation between Katherine of Blade Regalia and Tamera of FNO. Katherine was selected to be the poster child of the game. I had the name before I knew what it meant, but the general idea of Katherine fit the name pretty well.

Katherine was originally someone who was a fighter. She was a swordsman, but she didn't want to be. She wanted to live a normal life where she didn't have to go to war with fairies and dragons she just wanted to settle down and have a family. She wants a normal life in her weird world. This was before I had any clue what "Blade Regalia" was, and it was never meant to be a thing, it was just the name of the game.

So her outfit was very different, it was designed to look more contemporary, what we would consider normal, pants, shirt, but her fighting style was still the same. The only difference is there was a bit of comedic element to the idea that she's concealing thousands of blades in her t-shirt or in her clothes, it seems more reasonable when you see the blades making up the dress for the actual Blade Regalia.

I'm trying to be very true to the game. But the game itself does not offer me much on her personality, so I'm interested in inventing traits. I think what makes Katherine Katherine is her desire to go against the grain. To fight the odds of her situation, but that's an aspiration. If I were to pick a character trait that goes with that aspiration well I'd say 'stubborn'. 

I will change the exposition too. I want to shorten it and then expand on Katherine during the enlistment. Expand on how hard she would be willing to fight the draft. What the exposition will say is what Regalia is. Regalia is clothing worn by the soul. It is clothing made out that same spiritual energy mixed with nature. So the strength of regalia references how much of that energy is in the material. That is what the new exposition will say. I will take out the reference to the fall of man.

This means that I will be maintaining the same plot.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on June 04, 2017, 08:04:13 pm
There is literally no correlation between Katherine of Blade Regalia and Tamera of FNO. Katherine was selected to be the poster child of the game. I had the name before I knew what it meant, but the general idea of Katherine fit the name pretty well.

Katherine was originally someone who was a fighter. She was a swordsman, but she didn't want to be. She wanted to live a normal life where she didn't have to go to war with fairies and dragons she just wanted to settle down and have a family. She wants a normal life in her weird world. This was before I had any clue what "Blade Regalia" was, and it was never meant to be a thing, it was just the name of the game.

So her outfit was very different, it was designed to look more contemporary, what we would consider normal, pants, shirt, but her fighting style was still the same. The only difference is there was a bit of comedic element to the idea that she's concealing thousands of blades in her t-shirt or in her clothes, it seems more reasonable when you see the blades making up the dress for the actual Blade Regalia.

I'm trying to be very true to the game. But the game itself does not offer me much on her personality, so I'm interested in inventing traits. I think what makes Katherine Katherine is her desire to go against the grain. To fight the odds of her situation, but that's an aspiration. If I were to pick a character trait that goes with that aspiration well I'd say 'stubborn'. 

You technically don't have a game yet. So Katherine staying "true" to the game isn't much and shouldn't be important. But I'm not happy with what you define Katherine as a character.

her is desire to go against the grain? That may be a quality traits but not exactly aspirations. Nor a defining personality. It doesn't fit with the idea that she wants normal life/family. Which is the exact opposite, which is to conform.

Aspirations are closer to goals. For example, Katherine wanting a normal life and wanting a family. Which personally feels off like it's an aspiration created only to go against the main story. Doesn't she already have a normal life? And who is the person she is engaged to? Potential personality defining traits that just randomly thrown in there and done nothing with. 

This is the problem I see with Katherine. Nothing feels real. All of the traits you added are traits any main character can have but Katherine doesn't make it her own. All we see is her enlistment. It's like if Hunger Games started at the very moment where Kat volunteer for her sister. In hunger games we do get some background Kat and her life before gathering the candidates.

A common problem amaeteur writers have with making characters is choosing basic traits anyone can have. For example stubborn is a trait ALL characters can and will eventually show off. Like I said I'm not reviewing this story with the restriction of it having to be used in game word for word. And you shouldn't be writing that way either. Focus on writing a good story period before adapting this story into a video game. The idea of a comic based on game should be that the comic takes it's own pacing that compliments it.

HERE'S HOW I WOULD WRITE KATHERINE:
Katherine has a group of friends in her town or city. You never established where she is so I'll just say there's a town and she lives in a more secluded estate.

She is shown speaking with her friends (some exposition on how it's like to live in this town) until her father or one of his servants demands her back home. When she does she is asked to train and she does very well until she makes one tiny mistake and her father takes advantage of it. Father yells at her for not being perfect. And with careful dialogue reveal that she is being trained to being a soldier as her father made an oath to give her to the church.

Katherine is fed up with hearing the same story and doesn't want her life in control of the church. She runs away on the spot (not getting nu_de or taking any clothes off) she runs into the woods until she meets the man she is in love with. I say that he could be a servant or just a lower class. Someone her family clearly will not approve. She reveals her weaker side to him and he reveals personality traits that make her fall in love with him. They dance casually together in the woods enjoying eachother. After another expositional conversation that helps understand these characters, he proposes to her on the spot. She says yes. A group of guards are yelling through the forest for Katherine. At first Katherine believes it's just her father and his servants. She tells her fiancee she has to go but soon they will run away together and they can live their lives however they want (note that she doesn't specifically want a family just to live her life however she wants against her father's wishes)

They part ways. When she goes back home she sees a handful of royal guards. The captain advises Katherine that she needs to be measured for a Regalia. Katherine asks why since they already did one 6 months ago and they normally do it every 5 years. The captain explains that due to a vision the High priestess had they will be doing an emergency measurement. She agrees complying just so they can leave and she can make her preparations to run away. And when they measure her they find she's a perfect match. They plan on taking her on the spot but decides to defy them. She takes out a couple knights on  her own. The captain is impressed and meets up with her and gives her one last chance to surrender. Katherine shows off a bit of both stubborn and confidence and she fights him. She holds herself really well. Captain noticed small instances when she adds certain dance moves in her fighting. Wanting to end it quickly he activates his regalia and quickly knocks her out.

As she faints she calls out to her boyfriends name. The captain apologizes to her and says there is no other way.

Note: I'm not writing the entire chapter. Just how I would introduce her and how she plays out in just chapter 1. I added more background to her and actually introduced her boyfriend so we can have a better understanding of why she wants a normal life. In my version her life has always been forfeit so her defiance to having a different life than what her father intended not exactly that she wants a normal one.


Quote
I will change the exposition too. I want to shorten it and then expand on Katherine during the enlistment. Expand on how hard she would be willing to fight the draft. What the exposition will say is what Regalia is. Regalia is clothing worn by the soul. It is clothing made out that same spiritual energy mixed with nature. So the strength of regalia references how much of that energy is in the material. That is what the new exposition will say. I will take out the reference to the fall of man.

This means that I will be maintaining the same plot.
I'm not asking you to change it. But you definitely need to expand aspects you seem to ignore. The enlistment itself I suppose could be improved but it's really giving her specific traits.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on June 13, 2017, 11:32:02 am
Getting back from vacation (without internet) and I am working on an update to chapter 1 that I will likely post along with chapter 2.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on August 12, 2017, 04:24:08 am
After a long break. I was curious if the "golden rules" have helped you in anyway or see any improvement on your writing?

You said you will rework this chapter alongside chapter 2.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on August 25, 2017, 11:48:05 pm
That was indeed the plan, but after a while on developing the actual game, the plans changed on what the graphic novel would be used for. Blade Regalia was designed to be competitive MOBA but with fighting game elements. However, we've decided to develop a single-player campaign for Blade Regalia.

In order to reduce the amount of assets we need to develop we decided to do the cutscenes as an interactive comic strip on the game screen. This means the player would go to an area where normally he would trigger a cutscene, the screen would then fade into the graphic novel shwoing the player 1 panel at a time. Of course we could add options to skip or to show the whole page all at once. We could even add sound effects and voice acting later on.

What this means for us is that I may or may not need to change the plot of the chapters. But any kind of combat, or exploration would be handled in the game engine, and any kind of dialogue or storytelling would be in the comics so I do need to organize the plot accordingly and consider that players may not want to read through too many pages before actually getting to the action.

So for instance, you brought up the idea that soldiers come to Katherine's home. Katherine gets drafted but katherine refuses to go so the soldiers have to take her by force and she fights back. This is where we would end the comic strip, and you would play as Katherine without any regalia and this would be a fight that you have to lose in order to progress through the game.

Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on September 17, 2017, 02:48:17 am
Chapter 1: Part 1
Spoiler (hover to show)

I feel more comfortable with the direction I'm taking it this time, but that's all I can really say about it.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on September 18, 2017, 06:40:05 pm
So I'm reading it a couple more times just in case. The vast i.provement cones from your narration. It's straight to the point but leaves a little to be explored later in the story. And no unjarring questions.

So kudos for that. I will continue to read it. My biggest drawback of course is taking to look at this as a game. So I'll do my best to ignore that aspect and work on how well it's executed and what areas you can improve regardless of it being intended for a game.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on September 27, 2017, 08:18:17 pm
So you definitely have more structure this time but you still lacking proper character development.

Katherine is making radical decisions in the first chapter and we learned practically nothing about her or why she is doing what she's doing. I've explained in the golden rules to make these radical actions make sense that you have to show the reader the thought process.



Additionally: you are definitely improving on when exposition should be revealed. But make sure it's addressed naturally. Make note as to why Katherine doesn't know and has to be explained since it appears to be the very basics.

Was this info a secret to the public or is Katherine not aware of the world she lives in and doesn't pay attention to this.



If someone asked me who the president of the United States while we are in the U.S., I will address how weird it is that the person doesn't know at some point when I give the answer.

Same logic should apply in your story when giving basic exposition.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on October 01, 2017, 12:44:21 pm
I do agree with the points you bring up.

I know that's a bad sign.

Why Katherine is ultimately against being a Regalier is something that I intended to be a mystery in the very beginning. I want us to be able to explore Katherine later on. I did plan to answer some questions about her. Elizabeth herself will be asking the same questions you are, "why is she doing this" so you don't feel wronged for having those same questions.

I definitely did overlook the fact that Katherine seemed to be a bit uneducated compared to the two of them. They should definitely call attention to that. It's funny I made this mistake because later in the chapter there is a point in time where Katherine sees the queen and says "who's that" and a person she's with asks "you should know" in a much less polite way because they're less than friends.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on October 01, 2017, 06:49:33 pm
The shift is a little radical and way too fast. Plot twist work best when you already built something.  It doesnt seem like its worth the pay off to start off like this and explain her actions later. Its already offputting from the start. You dont have to show how she came up with her idea.

Most shonen manga start off a specific take on the character and then usually at the end reveal that they had more potential then initially shown.

The skips you made have plenty of room to fill in more subtle world building.

Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on October 31, 2017, 02:02:05 pm
I've changed some things so that it's much easier to follow along and katherine's motives are more simple.

Chapter 1 Part 1
Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on October 31, 2017, 02:13:55 pm
Chapter 1 part 2

Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on November 04, 2017, 04:57:18 am
So I re-read chapter 1 part 1 and part 2. t looks like the route you're going is that her significant other implanted the idea of becoming regalier rather than herself.


The vast majority of the story is she's far too impulsive and doesn't know a single thing about the world. It doesnt add anything to her character. No character exploration at all. You show no internal thoughts of her. Missed opportunities to give her a personality worth following.

There is also the obvious problem that you write entire scenes based around single lines. I don't see the benefit of starting the story of her immediately captured and already determining that she is a potential regalier. It's not even a good starting point for a game. I definitely believe you need to hire an additional writer if you're serious about working with this as a game.

Although you introduced a love interest and also her main motivation to move forward with the story, these two characters show no chemistry or even signs that they could be good for eachother. 

Katherine Smith is as boring and lifeless as her name. And I'm not interested in her story. Nothing about her convinces me too follow her. And you aren't writing her with care and attention. You're writing her like if she was a customizable avatar for a game which normally is the silent protagonist that chooses only a few lines. So you better off writing this as a real story first and then try to adapt it into a game after you have something solid.



I don't expect you to give all the details of this world in a silver platter but when you do give long periods of explanations make sure they are being explained properly.

What details should be said what shouldnt.


EXAMPLE OF BAD EXPLANATIONS:

Katherine: How is anyone supposed to fight like this!?

Elizabeth: That dress wasnít made for fighting, it was made for the same reason every noblewomanís dress was made. It just happens to also be a deadly weapon.

Evanya: It was made during a time where everyone wore regalia especially if you were a noble. Being powerful was like being wealthy. Itís what set you apart from the common man. The noble class were like gods and the peasants were but mere mortals who worshipped them. Even children wore Regalia. Some childrenís Regalia are even more powerful than Elizabethís. You can see why crafting Regalia soon became illegal.

^^^ This explanation makes absolutely no sense. If Regalia were designed to be powerful and not be used as a weapon. It makes you think how the entire civilation even functioned back then. This opens more doors than it needs to and doesn't even look like the story is promising more answers by the pacing. You definitely need to revise the origin of Regalia

Evanya tightens it again.

Katherine: Why couldnít they just get rid of it!?
 ^^ Here you're jumping the gun and making her ask a question as a form of bait to give more exposition. But that's not the first question that comes to mind. In fact It should be obvious just by deduction of what Regalia are and why they're used how they still exist.

Elizabeth: You should know this stuff. Even commoners can get an education courtesy of the church.

Katherine: I might have missed a few sessions of Sunday School.
 I know you want to add religious miss, but I genuinely can't tell if this is a sarcastic comment or she's genuinely trying to excuse her lack of knowledge

Evanya: There was a cult. . . a radical movement of anti-regaliers. They wanted to destroy all Regalia and they nearly did but they were defeated by nobles who didnít want to give up their power. They did agree to destroy the secret to crafting Regalia but. Anyone who knew how to craft it took that secret to the grave.
^^Usually cults or radical movements have a name. And if the name isn't important then you can at least mention the cult was nameless. It's all in how you word your sentences. A better form would be "An Anti-Regaliers uprising began". Once again raises more questions than answers. Where are these nobles now? Which leads me to my next set of issues 
Elizabeth: They knew none of them would be dumb enough to actually destroy their own insurance policy. The royals who agreed on this were from all over the world and they all had grudges with each other.
 
Katherine: Insurance policy against what?

Elizabeth: Each other. If one of them betrayed the treaty and held onto their Regalia, that nation would have all the power in the world. Now our job is to simply maintain the balance of powers with the Regalia that was left over.
 ^^ Once again you are baiting a question with an awkward response that doesn't feel natural at all. Elizabeths responce just doesnt maks sense so of course Katherine will ask about it. Its not natural.This peace treaty isn't even established at all in your exposition dump and you make it sound like it was already explained but it wasnt.

Evanya: Wouldnít you rather that than be some Pulvian slave?

Katherine: Iíd rather a lot of things right now.

Evanya: The problem is you can only draw power from a Regalia if it fits you. So, we have to do these censuses that record everyoneís physique. People come from all walks of life to wear a Regalia simply because no one else can.

Elizabeth: Even beggars right off the street could get selected.
 So this responds would work if you explained more properly your story. Make an outline of the origin and history of Regalia. Then carefully outline who will reveal what and make sure it's as natural as possible. Don't "bait" your characters for the sake of a responce. They're going to ask questions anyways so make sure they're the most reasonable and natural questions.

Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on November 07, 2017, 12:00:54 am
I was a bit too focused on the plot and I've thought long about it. I think it would be best if there is less continuity. What I mean is for the players to experience the story at select parts. Give them bits and pieces of the universe and ultimately allow them to fill in the blanks themselves. After all, that's what a game is isn't it. It's an interactive experience.

This method also insisted upon long stretches of time without gameplay and I didn't like that. So there won't necessarily be chapters or plot arcs, rather there will be events that might reveal new secrets about characters and their past and the importance of different environments you explore.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on November 14, 2017, 08:43:13 pm
I'm only reviewing a story. I'm not reviewing a game. So is this story gone?
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on December 02, 2017, 03:43:16 pm
I think it's still worth writing as a story. This is a little introduction where I decided to do something more interesting. I decided to have this scene follow the person who wore the Blade Regalia before Katherine.

Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on December 06, 2017, 06:26:47 pm
Same issues of chapter 1 apply to whatever this chapter is. Forced exposition that doesn't come off naturally and sometimes even redundancy added in.

This chapter felt like trying to give exposition for future chapters. If this was revealed at the right time you wouldn't have to give so much exposition.


Still I can't move forward with this story until you start fixing the bigger issues. Give Katherine actual personality. You start revealing information naturally. The golden rules are not being applied.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on December 14, 2017, 09:58:12 am
I'm still experimenting with giving information. Here it's spoon-fed just like it is in a lot of popular anime.

But I should let you know I have no intention of changing anything about Katherine. I will still be refining the story to make it easier to read, but her personality will stay the same.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on December 15, 2017, 03:36:45 am
I'm still experimenting with giving information. Here it's spoon-fed just like it is in a lot of popular anime.
they do not spoonfeed it like you just did. No one brings up heavy details of lore in casual conversation unless it's not a casual conversation.

 
Quote
But I should let you know I have no intention of changing anything about Katherine. I will still be refining the story to make it easier to read, but her personality will stay the same.

I'm not asking you to change Katherine. I'm asking you to put more into it. Is it really so difficult to come up with a character with personality and make it obvious and natural?

Because characters don't act natural, your story doesn't make sense. I'm not going to read another chapter until you "fix" and "expand" the first one. No more do overs. Do you know why we get tired of giving you advise? It's the same advise. You simply cannot comprehend what makes a good character.

EDIT:

SO I'm going to ask you the same question I always ask you every single time you make a new story with a new character: Why should the readers care about your main character based on what you revealed in the chapter so far.


Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on December 18, 2017, 02:42:55 pm
SO I'm going to ask you the same question I always ask you every single time you make a new story with a new character: Why should the readers care about your main character based on what you revealed in the chapter so far.

This time I will answer this question, not for your sake, but for mine. I'll be quoting from my chapter.

"You have been drafted to wear a Regalia."

I think the term "selected" makes more sense in the context of that sentence, or even "appointed", but I use the term "drafted" for a reason. For a lot of people, especially men, "draft" is a trigger word. It has that connotation that you're going to die, or at least that you no longer have control over your life.

In previous versions I made it very clear that Katherine does want control over her life, even if it meant ruining her relationship with her parents. Essentially, she's willing to do anything to have control over her life. I have not made that apparent yet, but that is taking place in this chapter.

So how does Katherine respond to being "drafted". I was told there were a few options: Say that you can't for religious reasons, defer service until you finish school, move to Canada, or join the Airforce voluntarily to avoid being drafted into the infantry where most people think they're most likely to die or get injured. Fight or flight. Fight would be accepting it and flight would be any of those options.

Katherine fights, and that's supposed to be admirable.

The mention of Dianne is meant to drive this home. She's not actually a character in the game and only exists to tell this story and she shows the reality of this situation. Katherine is being drafted because the previous Regalier died. And then she'll die and the cycle starts all over again. So that's why I wanted to add a scene to precede what I wrote for chapter one about Dianne to push this farther.

Yes. Katherine tries to run away at first, but there's a reason for that.

"Luther: No. Donít you see, Katherine, this is exactly what we need. You need to become a Regalier."

"Katherine: Weíre at war with Pulvia, and maybe you donít know what theyíre capable of, but I do."

This relationship is complicated and I have problems with it because of that. I think you're right I dropped the ball and missed out on a chance to express their chemistry. I was more focused on the death of this relationship, than the life of it. Katherine is naive and we'll see more about that later, but this exchange is their relationship. Summarized. So Katherine is a refugee and she doesn't have any family so she doesn't have a father who would traditionally prepare a dowry for her suitor to take and this could be an incentive to marry her over another suitor. So Katherine reveals that she was pretending to be a beggar possibly for years to collect enough money to have a dowry. We can imagine she only had pennies against offers of thousands and that changed when "Niko" the magician/illusionist/wizard, gives her a highly valuable coin.

When he did that, he created a future for her relationship with Luther. If she didn't believe she and Luther had a future, would she have fought the draft? Would she even have a reason to live?

"Niko: That would be boring."

We see that he does this because he finds her entertaining, and naturally wants to push for as much conflict of interests as possible. So Luther says You need to become a Regalier. He doesn't seem to be concerned for Katherine's safety in same way that she is. And she says "Maybe you donít know what theyíre capable of, but I do." Meaning she does believe that it would be dangerous to become a Regalier. She would destined to end up like Dianne.

Niko and Olsin are obviously two puppet masters working things behind the scenes which is a perfect antagonist for Katherine because their main goal is to take away everyone's control over their lives. But we haven't gotten to see much about them yet.

Throughout the entire draft process we see that Katherine and Elizabeth don't get along. That's what's supposed to be relevant the rest of the chapter. But Elizabeth and Katherine actually mirror each other. They're both projecting their feelings about the draft system onto one another, and they're both victims of it.

"Queen: There are ways to gain power without Regalia."

This statement is important because it gives Katherine a goal. Now of course she says "I want to have a normal life", but that seems pretty difficult in her current state, but the draft system exists purely because of the rules of Regalia and the Inquisition. So if they could gain power without Regalia there would no longer be a need for this draft system theoretically, and Katherine could have her life back in control.

So overall we're still establishing a few things about Katherine.
She's naive. Too naive to see that lover doesn't actually love her.
She's strong, mentally and physically. Able to deal with things well that most people can't, and able to hold her own against a Regalier. She's a survivor, the story hints at her escaping something horrible in Pulvia that her family didn't even survive.
Her goal is to take back control over her life.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on December 21, 2017, 03:20:15 am
Ok so I'm not going to quote all of that but once again you are doing bad writing practices.

In responce of your word choice explanation:

The choice of using "the draft" is so bad, you went on a full tangent trying to explain the relevance of it just by how people normally react to it.

Normally people do say "being drafted". But no one would say "the draft" as constant as you do. Because you fell into your bad writing habits of focusing on something so miniscule, you end up hurting the dialogue of your entire chapter whenever the word is used.

Going against the flow of natural word choice is horrible idea. You either build a completely different language structure or you don't. There is no inbetween.

I notice you try to use single pieces of conversation that once again don't add anything to the story. Only hint something.


Solution:  Stop choosing specific small things that cause a chain reaction of the way you tell your story and only focus on telling it properly. Especially if you sound naive focusing on it.

By all parts. I expect "the draft" to be removed and reworded to something far more natural.

In response to your sad excuse for Katherines development  

When I ask you what makes Katherine great, You shouldn't answer with what you planned. Only what you already have for us to read at the moment. And you always make this mistake. I'm not looking reasons for why I should read part 3, I'm looking for reasons why you think part 1 And 2 established her enough to even continue. And if you can't answer that with those limitations, then that proves your writing is bad. I should be invested in Katherine by part 1 and you haven't.

You explained to me that Katherine's main personality trait is that she's naive. I think you underestimate how bad of a trait that really is for a main character. Naive is more than just lacking experience and knowledge (like a video game character) it's also lacking judgement. And all main protagonist start off a little naive but in no way shape or form is that the "main" personality trait. Characters are made up of many many traits that make up their personality. 

You're going to have to start figuring out which character traits are good for a character to have and which arent. Her being Naive is a bad choice and you're naive for even trying to focus on that as her main personality trait and that's also because it conflicts with every fact we know about her.

Remove the entire personality and let's look at her past:
She was originally born and raised in Pulvia. She lost her parents because of "something" and she managed to escape Pulvia (which are capable of something unspeakable) and managed to make it to Sanctum.

Based on this description. Naive wouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind. First thing is: Resourceful because she managed to escape Pulvia. Second: Strong/Smart because she managed to survive whatever happened to her parents even if it meant completely avoiding it. She must've used that to survive on what she learned in Pulvia.

So why does her past conflict with the personality you want out of her? If you want to keep her naive then the original parents origin fits her better than this.

Also you have not established what she doesn't have control over. Yes the obvious being a regalier means less control but she still has some control. We don't know what having control means for Katherine and what it means to her when she finally achieves it. So we cant relate to her need of wanting control.

Having control is just a side effect of what she really wants. What does she really want? What does having control allow her to achieve??


Example: Terra Stregada. I constantly set up that Caprice has a bad gaming addiction that caused her and her fiancee to break up. Her goal is to overcome her addiction to gaming because she believes she will be able to win her fiancee back.

Every character has flaws.

Flaws help humanize them and make them relatable to us (the reader). When you write flaws with that in mind, Being naive isn't a great trait to relate to main protagonist. If written well, certain flaws can be very serious and even hard to relate at times. These flaws can be a main focus in the story to overcome and become a better character. This is called "character development". However, in order for readers to endure these hard to relate flaws, there needs to be REDEEMABLE QUALITIES!!!

Redeemable qualities are traits that make up some of the flaws and also show off the "potential" the main character has. It's like a promise to the reader that if they stick around they can see an even better character in the future. You have to establish core personality traits  that make characters enjoyable to read for readers. What good character traits does she have? These core personality traits will remain through beginning to end even when the character overcome their key flaws.

Characters can have multiple flaws and multiple redeemable qualities. A good supporting cast that can highlight those personality traits help reader recognize that these are flaws and redeemable qualities.

Solution:


You will have to establish her core personality, Her goals before being drafted all in Part 1.

You may have to explore her current lifestyle before she gets drafted in order to achieve this, even If it's just a taste. And youll  definitely have to find a way for her to get drafted that doesn't come off as completely random.

And most importantly. You will have to show the readers her THOUGHTS. Whateber the character is thinking, put it down. And this isn't just by Part 1. In every part where their thoughts could give us insight on their personality (however small) should be added in. And not limited to just her. Any character who you think is has equal amount of personality to Katherine will need to show off their thoughts to the reader as well.

 Regarding your bad world building:  
Once again, you do not build your world properly. And the worst part is you had more than enough opportunities to build a proper world. We have Sanctum and we have Pulvia. Apparently they're at war and everything is being dropped into casual conversation "like it doesn't matter to them".

But if they're at war with eachother why does the story casually establish Katherine being a Pulvia refugee living in Sanctum? And how come no one has any reservations of giving her a regalia to fight for Sanctum?

Missed opportunities because the story doesn't treat itself seriously.

YOU constantly go against the flow of world building. You've brought up Pulvia so many times and yet we know nothing about them.

YOU introduce so many things like Regalier and anti-regalier that you don't establish it properly and what it means to the reader. If Katherine is going to be the main protagonist and we are suppose to see most of it through her eyes, then we need to see the world explained to her. And if there are things only she can explain to readers that only she knows than have her explain it.

Solution:
This involves character development to. But you cannot ignore this in part 1 And part 2. You have to establish what kind of country or nation Sanctum is and you have to establish what kind of nation Pulvia is. Why theyre at war with eachother and you have to establish it by Part 1.

And I know what you're thinking: I already have the origin of Regalia in part 1, theres just too much. That can be turned into a short prologue. Plus that is the cringiest explanation for the origins I've ever written. I already explained to you the massive flaws in the flow of conversation in that. I'm surprised you haven't revised it.



if you cannot follow every single solution given. Then consider this your last review. I truly believe 100% that if you follow the solutions given you will finally understand what it means to write a good story or at least make significant improvements from there
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on June 29, 2018, 05:03:56 pm
Let's take a step back and look at the essence of Blade Regalia.

Blade Regalia is a story about a world where everyone is playing the wrong role. These aren't metaphysical roles like I talked about in FNO or the Cannibal, but actual roles in their world. Helen is too young to lead a nation. Lucius isn't faithful enough to be a religious leader. Katherine isn't passionate enough to be a soldier. This is all a result of Regalia and its rules within the world.

The character's passions then work against their circumstances. Lucius wants to be in control, and doesn't want to put faith in things he can't explain. Helen wants to enjoy her childhood and escape her responsibilities. Katherine wants to live a peaceful life, not the life of a soldier. She's also being drafted to go to war with her home country.

What lends the antagonist to be advantageous is not their power, but the fact that they actually fit into their role. And their passions line up with their role. I tried a few times to depict members of "Sanctum" fighting members of "Pulvia". I always had Sanctum losing for this reason. It is meant to be a personality driven story.

Katherine being drafted the way she was, was meant to be a statement like this could happen to anyone. This could be you, where one minute your life is in control and then suddenly you're thrown into a role that is the last thing you ever wanted. And there are 140 playable characters that are each dealing with something different. Regalia itself becomes symbolic. "You're dressed like a soldier, so go out and fight, Katherine". If it walks like a duck. Quacks like a duck. Then it must be a duck.

That's the very basic breakdown of what I want from this story moving forward, and it's very exciting to see that come to life.
Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Lumaria on June 30, 2018, 10:26:10 pm
Let's take a step back and look at the essence of Blade Regalia.

Blade Regalia is a story about a world where everyone is playing the wrong role.

I don't believe you intend a world to systematically work that way (otherwise you fall prey to being too predictable). Just that you want to push those themes into the story.

The problem with this being the core theme is that a lot of manga and anime use this as a common story element. Naruto, Bleach, One Piece. they all use this theme of characters having a role that doesn't work with their overall personality.

So you're going to have to push this theme at a level others havent before. Which i dont trust you to succeed in it yet. OR push another theme in the story.

Quote
These aren't metaphysical roles like I talked about in FNO or the Cannibal, but actual roles in their world. Helen is too young to lead a nation. Lucius isn't faithful enough to be a religious leader. Katherine isn't passionate enough to be a soldier. This is all a result of Regalia and its rules within the world.
And yet, we seen many stories that have characters like Lucius, Helen, and Katherine. If you intend to do this like manga and anime, the trope is used to death.

Quote
The character's passions then work against their circumstances. Lucius wants to be in control, and doesn't want to put faith in things he can't explain. Helen wants to enjoy her childhood and escape her responsibilities. Katherine wants to live a peaceful life, not the life of a soldier. She's also being drafted to go to war with her home country.
Lucius feels generic. i don't think this character will help you drive your themes unless you paint it as an actual flaw. but so far just feels like a general character trait. Helen again is a role we've seen one too many times.

Quote
What lends the antagonist to be advantageous is not their power, but the fact that they actually fit into their role. And their passions line up with their role. I tried a few times to depict members of "Sanctum" fighting members of "Pulvia". I always had Sanctum losing for this reason. It is meant to be a personality driven story.
So the trope you're painting is very very common. especially with a group of misfits joined together to fight off an antagonist that is at a huge advantage. I'm not sure how well you can execute this idea alone, but like i said: its a very common trope". it doesn't even feel like a theme for a story and more like a general feature most anime and manga use.

Quote
Katherine being drafted the way she was, was meant to be a statement like this could happen to anyone. This could be you, where one minute your life is in control and then suddenly you're thrown into a role that is the last thing you ever wanted. And there are 140 playable characters that are each dealing with something different. Regalia itself becomes symbolic. "You're dressed like a soldier, so go out and fight, Katherine". If it walks like a duck. Quacks like a duck. Then it must be a duck.

Katherine being drafted in general is enough to say "this could happen to anyone". thats usually what feeling people get when someone related to the main character or the main character themselves get drafted. So i dont understand why you wrote it the way you did.

Now heres something important: Even though the act of being drafted already gives you that feeling, it was poor executed because you really didn't explore the world around. Lets use Hunger Games as an example: Before Katniss has the annual lotery to participate in the Hunger Games, we see what kind of life she lives and there is some build up to it.

Pushing this theme further would feel less annoying if we knew who Katherine was and what she's leaving behind (and why its important for her). Especially when its done against her will.


Quote
That's the very basic breakdown of what I want from this story moving forward, and it's very exciting to see that come to life.
I dont know....i'm still concerned with execution. Here's my concerns so far, i hope you can address them here before stories are being posted:

Katherine: i hope you gave her a defining character trait that helps identify with her or connect with her at some level?

Sanctum and Pulva: IF Katherine lives in this town, i hope you give us an idea of what kind of lifestyle this town/city is.

Pacing: This probably adds to what the previous two concerns. But hopefully chapter 1 has enough story elements to not feel incomplete and move along the first chapter. There should be some "weight" to certain aspects of the story that i hope aren't thrown around lightly. For example, the war against Pulva and Sanctum. Always felt like it wasn't happening or it wasn't so serious, and thats probably because there was no impact added to anything that was explained.

Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on July 01, 2018, 07:16:37 am
There actually won't be anything more posted on here in script format. I may post finished illustrated/animated works or recorded gameplay in the future. I won't be posting any more chapters.

That is merely the foundation. I am treading lightly on what more I want from this story. For now, I want to see where this takes us.


Title: Re: Blade Regalia
Post by: Tara on May 17, 2020, 02:29:13 am
My own review of Blade Regalia

I thought it might be insightful to look back on this and provide some honest answers and talk about some of the changes that were made over the years.

Part 1: Introduction
As cringey as it seems, I started off playing with the same imagery as in Genesis. This played on the idea that clothing was a crucial step to becoming "like God" as it describes is a result of eating the forbidden fruit. This was actually done because an actual Church was sponsoring Blade Regalia, but donating money to pay for the studio and business to be put in place for Blade Regalia and future creative work.

So, to return the favor, Blade Regalia was meant to have a religion positive story. Not necessarily and evangelical or preachy story, but a story that paints religion or religious people in a positive way. For instance, we often see religious figures act as the antagonist, tricking people to believe a lie for their gain. Obviously this is common in real life, but in Blade Regalia, the religious people are the protagonists defending themselves from evil invaders.

This sponsorship was cancelled before any money was exchanged because we cut ties with that church shortly after. Now Blade Regalia has a story driven religion (a fake religion) revolving around "mystical crowns". The protagonists are still religious, but they aren't practicing any real world religions anymore.

Part 2: Katherine
Here I did make a very important change. Katherine (the protagonist) was originally native to Sanctum (the good guys) and I then made her native to Pulvia (the bad guys). The story basically says that getting a regalia is like winning the lottery. And then you get tons of money and fame, etc. I thought it would be pretty boring if the protagonist wants to win the lottery, wins the lottery, and then it turns out to be exactly how you expected. Originally I worked against this by making her a dispassionate person which really caused me to write myself into a corner.

So I did miss some great opportunities to showcase Sanctum and Pulvia as a place worth caring about because there's going to be a clash of cultures with Katherine spending her childhood in pulvia, and then a few years in Sanctum. Her accent, her mannerisms, the way she shows affection, etc would all be great things to expose upon especially when they're contrasting the way other people in Sanctum act. Lumaria brought up that there is a natural curiosity about Sanctum as a country and we're expected to care about a place we know nothing about. I was avoiding introducing non-playable characters or any characters who wouldn't appear in the game, this is the main reason why I never gave us a reason to be invested in Sanctum.

Having Katherine be from pulvia was a great decision because it created the most interesting version of her. Now Katherine is passionate about fighting (which is ideal because she's the protagonist of a fighting game). Katherine isn't necessarily passionate about fighting for Sanctum, but she just loves combat in general. So she has something she can be passionate about, while also facing a conflict against being chosen to wear a Regalia. I know that's not the only solution, but it's my solution.

Part 3: Bad Pacing
So Helen (the queen of sanctum) is an annoying character because she's a rule breaker. I spend tons of time explaining how regalia is the only way to have super powers and then Helen has powers for no reason. So now I have to explain how Helen has powers she shouldn't have, and then we're also trying to explain the inquisitors. The inquisitors are just an excuse to have this system where Regalia is like winning the lottery. It's not really necessary to establish the reasoning in episode one especially if I'm establishing rule breakers in the middle of it all.

Most of this exposition would be easier to understand if it's represented in a visual way, rather than by a narrator explaining it. I think we need more time set aside to establish a relationship between Katherine, Elizabeth, and Karina. I showed a little bit of Reina who is a character adapted from a previous story. Reina represents some very complicated emotions similar to "The Cannibal". So she was definitely challenging to work with.

The main challenge I faced was trying to maintain an artistic vision when I really didn't know what that vision was. The goal was to express emotions I was feeling, but I didn't have the self awareness necessary to share these emotions in the most interesting way because I didn't understand them well enough myself. So often times Lumaria would suggest changes that would conflict with that vision and I wouldn't know the best way to improve it while maintaining that vision. That vision was more important to me than making a successful serial comic.