After a long break. I was curious if the "golden rules" have helped you in anyway or see any improvement on your writing?

You said you will rework this chapter alongside chapter 2.

So you definitely have more structure this time but you still lacking proper character development.

Katherine is making radical decisions in the first chapter and we learned practically nothing about her or why she is doing what she's doing. I've explained in the golden rules to make these radical actions make sense that you have to show the reader the thought process.



Additionally: you are definitely improving on when exposition should be revealed. But make sure it's addressed naturally. Make note as to why Katherine doesn't know and has to be explained since it appears to be the very basics.

Was this info a secret to the public or is Katherine not aware of the world she lives in and doesn't pay attention to this.



If someone asked me who the president of the United States while we are in the U.S., I will address how weird it is that the person doesn't know at some point when I give the answer.

Same logic should apply in your story when giving basic exposition.

So I re-read chapter 1 part 1 and part 2. t looks like the route you're going is that her significant other implanted the idea of becoming regalier rather than herself.


The vast majority of the story is she's far too impulsive and doesn't know a single thing about the world. It doesnt add anything to her character. No character exploration at all. You show no internal thoughts of her. Missed opportunities to give her a personality worth following.

There is also the obvious problem that you write entire scenes based around single lines. I don't see the benefit of starting the story of her immediately captured and already determining that she is a potential regalier. It's not even a good starting point for a game. I definitely believe you need to hire an additional writer if you're serious about working with this as a game.

Although you introduced a love interest and also her main motivation to move forward with the story, these two characters show no chemistry or even signs that they could be good for eachother. 

Katherine Smith is as boring and lifeless as her name. And I'm not interested in her story. Nothing about her convinces me too follow her. And you aren't writing her with care and attention. You're writing her like if she was a customizable avatar for a game which normally is the silent protagonist that chooses only a few lines. So you better off writing this as a real story first and then try to adapt it into a game after you have something solid.



I don't expect you to give all the details of this world in a silver platter but when you do give long periods of explanations make sure they are being explained properly.

What details should be said what shouldnt.


EXAMPLE OF BAD EXPLANATIONS:

Katherine: How is anyone supposed to fight like this!?

Elizabeth: That dress wasn’t made for fighting, it was made for the same reason every noblewoman’s dress was made. It just happens to also be a deadly weapon.

Evanya: It was made during a time where everyone wore regalia especially if you were a noble. Being powerful was like being wealthy. It’s what set you apart from the common man. The noble class were like gods and the peasants were but mere mortals who worshipped them. Even children wore Regalia. Some children’s Regalia are even more powerful than Elizabeth’s. You can see why crafting Regalia soon became illegal.

^^^ This explanation makes absolutely no sense. If Regalia were designed to be powerful and not be used as a weapon. It makes you think how the entire civilation even functioned back then. This opens more doors than it needs to and doesn't even look like the story is promising more answers by the pacing. You definitely need to revise the origin of Regalia

Evanya tightens it again.

Katherine: Why couldn’t they just get rid of it!?
^^ Here you're jumping the gun and making her ask a question as a form of bait to give more exposition. But that's not the first question that comes to mind. In fact It should be obvious just by deduction of what Regalia are and why they're used how they still exist.

Elizabeth: You should know this stuff. Even commoners can get an education courtesy of the church.

Katherine: I might have missed a few sessions of Sunday School.
I know you want to add religious miss, but I genuinely can't tell if this is a sarcastic comment or she's genuinely trying to excuse her lack of knowledge

Evanya: There was a cult. . . a radical movement of anti-regaliers. They wanted to destroy all Regalia and they nearly did but they were defeated by nobles who didn’t want to give up their power. They did agree to destroy the secret to crafting Regalia but. Anyone who knew how to craft it took that secret to the grave.
^^Usually cults or radical movements have a name. And if the name isn't important then you can at least mention the cult was nameless. It's all in how you word your sentences. A better form would be "An Anti-Regaliers uprising began". Once again raises more questions than answers. Where are these nobles now? Which leads me to my next set of issues 
Elizabeth: They knew none of them would be dumb enough to actually destroy their own insurance policy. The royals who agreed on this were from all over the world and they all had grudges with each other.
 
Katherine: Insurance policy against what?

Elizabeth: Each other. If one of them betrayed the treaty and held onto their Regalia, that nation would have all the power in the world. Now our job is to simply maintain the balance of powers with the Regalia that was left over.
^^ Once again you are baiting a question with an awkward response that doesn't feel natural at all. Elizabeths responce just doesnt maks sense so of course Katherine will ask about it. Its not natural.This peace treaty isn't even established at all in your exposition dump and you make it sound like it was already explained but it wasnt.

Evanya: Wouldn’t you rather that than be some Pulvian slave?

Katherine: I’d rather a lot of things right now.

Evanya: The problem is you can only draw power from a Regalia if it fits you. So, we have to do these censuses that record everyone’s physique. People come from all walks of life to wear a Regalia simply because no one else can.

Elizabeth: Even beggars right off the street could get selected.
So this responds would work if you explained more properly your story. Make an outline of the origin and history of Regalia. Then carefully outline who will reveal what and make sure it's as natural as possible. Don't "bait" your characters for the sake of a responce. They're going to ask questions anyways so make sure they're the most reasonable and natural questions.

Same issues of chapter 1 apply to whatever this chapter is. Forced exposition that doesn't come off naturally and sometimes even redundancy added in.

This chapter felt like trying to give exposition for future chapters. If this was revealed at the right time you wouldn't have to give so much exposition.


Still I can't move forward with this story until you start fixing the bigger issues. Give Katherine actual personality. You start revealing information naturally. The golden rules are not being applied.

Ok so I'm not going to quote all of that but once again you are doing bad writing practices.

In responce of your word choice explanation:

The choice of using "the draft" is so bad, you went on a full tangent trying to explain the relevance of it just by how people normally react to it.

Normally people do say "being drafted". But no one would say "the draft" as constant as you do. Because you fell into your bad writing habits of focusing on something so miniscule, you end up hurting the dialogue of your entire chapter whenever the word is used.

Going against the flow of natural word choice is horrible idea. You either build a completely different language structure or you don't. There is no inbetween.

I notice you try to use single pieces of conversation that once again don't add anything to the story. Only hint something.


Solution: Stop choosing specific small things that cause a chain reaction of the way you tell your story and only focus on telling it properly. Especially if you sound naive focusing on it.

By all parts. I expect "the draft" to be removed and reworded to something far more natural.

In response to your sad excuse for Katherines development

When I ask you what makes Katherine great, You shouldn't answer with what you planned. Only what you already have for us to read at the moment. And you always make this mistake. I'm not looking reasons for why I should read part 3, I'm looking for reasons why you think part 1 And 2 established her enough to even continue. And if you can't answer that with those limitations, then that proves your writing is bad. I should be invested in Katherine by part 1 and you haven't.

You explained to me that Katherine's main personality trait is that she's naive. I think you underestimate how bad of a trait that really is for a main character. Naive is more than just lacking experience and knowledge (like a video game character) it's also lacking judgement. And all main protagonist start off a little naive but in no way shape or form is that the "main" personality trait. Characters are made up of many many traits that make up their personality. 

You're going to have to start figuring out which character traits are good for a character to have and which arent. Her being Naive is a bad choice and you're naive for even trying to focus on that as her main personality trait and that's also because it conflicts with every fact we know about her.

Remove the entire personality and let's look at her past:
She was originally born and raised in Pulvia. She lost her parents because of "something" and she managed to escape Pulvia (which are capable of something unspeakable) and managed to make it to Sanctum.

Based on this description. Naive wouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind. First thing is: Resourceful because she managed to escape Pulvia. Second: Strong/Smart because she managed to survive whatever happened to her parents even if it meant completely avoiding it. She must've used that to survive on what she learned in Pulvia.

So why does her past conflict with the personality you want out of her? If you want to keep her naive then the original parents origin fits her better than this.

Also you have not established what she doesn't have control over. Yes the obvious being a regalier means less control but she still has some control. We don't know what having control means for Katherine and what it means to her when she finally achieves it. So we cant relate to her need of wanting control.

Having control is just a side effect of what she really wants. What does she really want? What does having control allow her to achieve??


Example: Terra Stregada. I constantly set up that Caprice has a bad gaming addiction that caused her and her fiancee to break up. Her goal is to overcome her addiction to gaming because she believes she will be able to win her fiancee back.

Every character has flaws.

Flaws help humanize them and make them relatable to us (the reader). When you write flaws with that in mind, Being naive isn't a great trait to relate to main protagonist. If written well, certain flaws can be very serious and even hard to relate at times. These flaws can be a main focus in the story to overcome and become a better character. This is called "character development". However, in order for readers to endure these hard to relate flaws, there needs to be REDEEMABLE QUALITIES!!!

Redeemable qualities are traits that make up some of the flaws and also show off the "potential" the main character has. It's like a promise to the reader that if they stick around they can see an even better character in the future. You have to establish core personality traits  that make characters enjoyable to read for readers. What good character traits does she have? These core personality traits will remain through beginning to end even when the character overcome their key flaws.

Characters can have multiple flaws and multiple redeemable qualities. A good supporting cast that can highlight those personality traits help reader recognize that these are flaws and redeemable qualities.

Solution:


You will have to establish her core personality, Her goals before being drafted all in Part 1.

You may have to explore her current lifestyle before she gets drafted in order to achieve this, even If it's just a taste. And youll  definitely have to find a way for her to get drafted that doesn't come off as completely random.

And most importantly. You will have to show the readers her THOUGHTS. Whateber the character is thinking, put it down. And this isn't just by Part 1. In every part where their thoughts could give us insight on their personality (however small) should be added in. And not limited to just her. Any character who you think is has equal amount of personality to Katherine will need to show off their thoughts to the reader as well.

Regarding your bad world building:
Once again, you do not build your world properly. And the worst part is you had more than enough opportunities to build a proper world. We have Sanctum and we have Pulvia. Apparently they're at war and everything is being dropped into casual conversation "like it doesn't matter to them".

But if they're at war with eachother why does the story casually establish Katherine being a Pulvia refugee living in Sanctum? And how come no one has any reservations of giving her a regalia to fight for Sanctum?

Missed opportunities because the story doesn't treat itself seriously.

YOU constantly go against the flow of world building. You've brought up Pulvia so many times and yet we know nothing about them.

YOU introduce so many things like Regalier and anti-regalier that you don't establish it properly and what it means to the reader. If Katherine is going to be the main protagonist and we are suppose to see most of it through her eyes, then we need to see the world explained to her. And if there are things only she can explain to readers that only she knows than have her explain it.

Solution:
This involves character development to. But you cannot ignore this in part 1 And part 2. You have to establish what kind of country or nation Sanctum is and you have to establish what kind of nation Pulvia is. Why theyre at war with eachother and you have to establish it by Part 1.

And I know what you're thinking: I already have the origin of Regalia in part 1, theres just too much. That can be turned into a short prologue. Plus that is the cringiest explanation for the origins I've ever written. I already explained to you the massive flaws in the flow of conversation in that. I'm surprised you haven't revised it.



if you cannot follow every single solution given. Then consider this your last review. I truly believe 100% that if you follow the solutions given you will finally understand what it means to write a good story or at least make significant improvements from there