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Author Topic: Blade Regalia  (Read 1363 times)

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #60 on: December 21, 2017, 03:20:15 am »
Ok so I'm not going to quote all of that but once again you are doing bad writing practices.

In responce of your word choice explanation:

The choice of using "the draft" is so bad, you went on a full tangent trying to explain the relevance of it just by how people normally react to it.

Normally people do say "being drafted". But no one would say "the draft" as constant as you do. Because you fell into your bad writing habits of focusing on something so miniscule, you end up hurting the dialogue of your entire chapter whenever the word is used.

Going against the flow of natural word choice is horrible idea. You either build a completely different language structure or you don't. There is no inbetween.

I notice you try to use single pieces of conversation that once again don't add anything to the story. Only hint something.


Solution:
Stop choosing specific small things that cause a chain reaction of the way you tell your story and only focus on telling it properly. Especially if you sound naive focusing on it.

By all parts. I expect "the draft" to be removed and reworded to something far more natural.

In response to your sad excuse for Katherines development

When I ask you what makes Katherine great, You shouldn't answer with what you planned. Only what you already have for us to read at the moment. And you always make this mistake. I'm not looking reasons for why I should read part 3, I'm looking for reasons why you think part 1 And 2 established her enough to even continue. And if you can't answer that with those limitations, then that proves your writing is bad. I should be invested in Katherine by part 1 and you haven't.

You explained to me that Katherine's main personality trait is that she's naive. I think you underestimate how bad of a trait that really is for a main character. Naive is more than just lacking experience and knowledge (like a video game character) it's also lacking judgement. And all main protagonist start off a little naive but in no way shape or form is that the "main" personality trait. Characters are made up of many many traits that make up their personality. 

You're going to have to start figuring out which character traits are good for a character to have and which arent. Her being Naive is a bad choice and you're naive for even trying to focus on that as her main personality trait and that's also because it conflicts with every fact we know about her.

Remove the entire personality and let's look at her past:
She was originally born and raised in Pulvia. She lost her parents because of "something" and she managed to escape Pulvia (which are capable of something unspeakable) and managed to make it to Sanctum.

Based on this description. Naive wouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind. First thing is: Resourceful because she managed to escape Pulvia. Second: Strong/Smart because she managed to survive whatever happened to her parents even if it meant completely avoiding it. She must've used that to survive on what she learned in Pulvia.

So why does her past conflict with the personality you want out of her? If you want to keep her naive then the original parents origin fits her better than this.

Also you have not established what she doesn't have control over. Yes the obvious being a regalier means less control but she still has some control. We don't know what having control means for Katherine and what it means to her when she finally achieves it. So we cant relate to her need of wanting control.

Having control is just a side effect of what she really wants. What does she really want? What does having control allow her to achieve??


Example: Terra Stregada. I constantly set up that Caprice has a bad gaming addiction that caused her and her fiancee to break up. Her goal is to overcome her addiction to gaming because she believes she will be able to win her fiancee back.

Every character has flaws.

Flaws help humanize them and make them relatable to us (the reader). When you write flaws with that in mind, Being naive isn't a great trait to relate to main protagonist. If written well, certain flaws can be very serious and even hard to relate at times. These flaws can be a main focus in the story to overcome and become a better character. This is called "character development". However, in order for readers to endure these hard to relate flaws, there needs to be REDEEMABLE QUALITIES!!!

Redeemable qualities are traits that make up some of the flaws and also show off the "potential" the main character has. It's like a promise to the reader that if they stick around they can see an even better character in the future. You have to establish core personality traits  that make characters enjoyable to read for readers. What good character traits does she have? These core personality traits will remain through beginning to end even when the character overcome their key flaws.

Characters can have multiple flaws and multiple redeemable qualities. A good supporting cast that can highlight those personality traits help reader recognize that these are flaws and redeemable qualities.

Solution:


You will have to establish her core personality, Her goals before being drafted all in Part 1.

You may have to explore her current lifestyle before she gets drafted in order to achieve this, even If it's just a taste. And youll  definitely have to find a way for her to get drafted that doesn't come off as completely random.

And most importantly. You will have to show the readers her THOUGHTS. Whateber the character is thinking, put it down. And this isn't just by Part 1. In every part where their thoughts could give us insight on their personality (however small) should be added in. And not limited to just her. Any character who you think is has equal amount of personality to Katherine will need to show off their thoughts to the reader as well.

Regarding your bad world building:
Once again, you do not build your world properly. And the worst part is you had more than enough opportunities to build a proper world. We have Sanctum and we have Pulvia. Apparently they're at war and everything is being dropped into casual conversation "like it doesn't matter to them".

But if they're at war with eachother why does the story casually establish Katherine being a Pulvia refugee living in Sanctum? And how come no one has any reservations of giving her a regalia to fight for Sanctum?

Missed opportunities because the story doesn't treat itself seriously.

YOU constantly go against the flow of world building. You've brought up Pulvia so many times and yet we know nothing about them.

YOU introduce so many things like Regalier and anti-regalier that you don't establish it properly and what it means to the reader. If Katherine is going to be the main protagonist and we are suppose to see most of it through her eyes, then we need to see the world explained to her. And if there are things only she can explain to readers that only she knows than have her explain it.

Solution:
This involves character development to. But you cannot ignore this in part 1 And part 2. You have to establish what kind of country or nation Sanctum is and you have to establish what kind of nation Pulvia is. Why theyre at war with eachother and you have to establish it by Part 1.

And I know what you're thinking: I already have the origin of Regalia in part 1, theres just too much. That can be turned into a short prologue. Plus that is the cringiest explanation for the origins I've ever written. I already explained to you the massive flaws in the flow of conversation in that. I'm surprised you haven't revised it.



if you cannot follow every single solution given. Then consider this your last review. I truly believe 100% that if you follow the solutions given you will finally understand what it means to write a good story or at least make significant improvements from there
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