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Author Topic: Blade Regalia  (Read 1363 times)

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #60 on: November 04, 2017, 04:57:18 am »
So I re-read chapter 1 part 1 and part 2. t looks like the route you're going is that her significant other implanted the idea of becoming regalier rather than herself.


The vast majority of the story is she's far too impulsive and doesn't know a single thing about the world. It doesnt add anything to her character. No character exploration at all. You show no internal thoughts of her. Missed opportunities to give her a personality worth following.

There is also the obvious problem that you write entire scenes based around single lines. I don't see the benefit of starting the story of her immediately captured and already determining that she is a potential regalier. It's not even a good starting point for a game. I definitely believe you need to hire an additional writer if you're serious about working with this as a game.

Although you introduced a love interest and also her main motivation to move forward with the story, these two characters show no chemistry or even signs that they could be good for eachother. 

Katherine Smith is as boring and lifeless as her name. And I'm not interested in her story. Nothing about her convinces me too follow her. And you aren't writing her with care and attention. You're writing her like if she was a customizable avatar for a game which normally is the silent protagonist that chooses only a few lines. So you better off writing this as a real story first and then try to adapt it into a game after you have something solid.



I don't expect you to give all the details of this world in a silver platter but when you do give long periods of explanations make sure they are being explained properly.

What details should be said what shouldnt.


EXAMPLE OF BAD EXPLANATIONS:

Katherine: How is anyone supposed to fight like this!?

Elizabeth: That dress wasn’t made for fighting, it was made for the same reason every noblewoman’s dress was made. It just happens to also be a deadly weapon.

Evanya: It was made during a time where everyone wore regalia especially if you were a noble. Being powerful was like being wealthy. It’s what set you apart from the common man. The noble class were like gods and the peasants were but mere mortals who worshipped them. Even children wore Regalia. Some children’s Regalia are even more powerful than Elizabeth’s. You can see why crafting Regalia soon became illegal.

^^^ This explanation makes absolutely no sense. If Regalia were designed to be powerful and not be used as a weapon. It makes you think how the entire civilation even functioned back then. This opens more doors than it needs to and doesn't even look like the story is promising more answers by the pacing. You definitely need to revise the origin of Regalia

Evanya tightens it again.

Katherine: Why couldn’t they just get rid of it!?
^^ Here you're jumping the gun and making her ask a question as a form of bait to give more exposition. But that's not the first question that comes to mind. In fact It should be obvious just by deduction of what Regalia are and why they're used how they still exist.

Elizabeth: You should know this stuff. Even commoners can get an education courtesy of the church.

Katherine: I might have missed a few sessions of Sunday School.
I know you want to add religious miss, but I genuinely can't tell if this is a sarcastic comment or she's genuinely trying to excuse her lack of knowledge

Evanya: There was a cult. . . a radical movement of anti-regaliers. They wanted to destroy all Regalia and they nearly did but they were defeated by nobles who didn’t want to give up their power. They did agree to destroy the secret to crafting Regalia but. Anyone who knew how to craft it took that secret to the grave.
^^Usually cults or radical movements have a name. And if the name isn't important then you can at least mention the cult was nameless. It's all in how you word your sentences. A better form would be "An Anti-Regaliers uprising began". Once again raises more questions than answers. Where are these nobles now? Which leads me to my next set of issues 
Elizabeth: They knew none of them would be dumb enough to actually destroy their own insurance policy. The royals who agreed on this were from all over the world and they all had grudges with each other.
 
Katherine: Insurance policy against what?

Elizabeth: Each other. If one of them betrayed the treaty and held onto their Regalia, that nation would have all the power in the world. Now our job is to simply maintain the balance of powers with the Regalia that was left over.
^^ Once again you are baiting a question with an awkward response that doesn't feel natural at all. Elizabeths responce just doesnt maks sense so of course Katherine will ask about it. Its not natural.This peace treaty isn't even established at all in your exposition dump and you make it sound like it was already explained but it wasnt.

Evanya: Wouldn’t you rather that than be some Pulvian slave?

Katherine: I’d rather a lot of things right now.

Evanya: The problem is you can only draw power from a Regalia if it fits you. So, we have to do these censuses that record everyone’s physique. People come from all walks of life to wear a Regalia simply because no one else can.

Elizabeth: Even beggars right off the street could get selected.
So this responds would work if you explained more properly your story. Make an outline of the origin and history of Regalia. Then carefully outline who will reveal what and make sure it's as natural as possible. Don't "bait" your characters for the sake of a responce. They're going to ask questions anyways so make sure they're the most reasonable and natural questions.


 

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