So I'm reading it a couple more times just in case. The vast i.provement cones from your narration. It's straight to the point but leaves a little to be explored later in the story. And no unjarring questions.
So kudos for that. I will continue to read it. My biggest drawback of course is taking to look at this as a game. So I'll do my best to ignore that aspect and work on how well it's executed and what areas you can improve regardless of it being intended for a game.