All right, so yes, some of the writing is a bit confusing, but I could easily follow what was going on for the most part once I understood that sometimes what we think and what words spill out on the keyboard aren't the same (or even close). At this point, it does take some (a lot of) mental fill-in-the-blanks, and depending on the audience, that may be a thorn in your side.
I've never seen Akame ga Kill; however, the vibe I get from this is more Witchblade than say, Marchen Awakens Romance. Just because the idea is "basic" doesn't mean it's not usable. If anything, I'd recommend looking at those stories and seeing what works and what doesn't. Things to keep in mind are the stakes that the characters are fighting against and the drawbacks of using power, even if it's an outside tool.
You can nit-pick and edit and reedit and so on until infinity with grammar, syntax, punctuation, spelling, etc., but when it comes to the first few drafts, it's all about organizing the themes and plot points into something at least semi-coherent. It seems Lumaria and DeAngelus are...how do I put this?...quite focused on that "incompleteness". I wouldn't worry about it too much, since it's all part of the creative process. Eventually, after going back for the fifth or so draft, you'll probably get to that coherency that they're demanding. Words are hard. Let them come out like a jumbled mess at first. Once they're on a page, they're easier to manage, I find.
As weird as this advice may be, I'm going to suggest also looking into tactics that actors use to depict their characters. Most of my friends are theatre majors, and I'm one of the few in the English department. I've learned a lot from them, how each character has a motive, how they push, pull, punish, and reward, and that a monologue has to start with the feeling that the listener will immediately shut down the speaker and disregard them. It provides tremendous insight into how characters function, and it seems to have helped me understand a few things along my way.