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Author Topic: Blade Regalia  (Read 1363 times)

HematoLogMeIn

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #45 on: June 03, 2017, 10:59:20 pm »
Maybe you lack confidence because you keep looking for things to shoot down instead of opportunities for good things to happen. But, what do I know? I'm just a passive observer.

Let's see what happens and try to get Tara to finish a project instead of having you two shaming it to death and then continuing to beat it. Once that is allowed to happen, maybe, just maybe, the creative process of editing will be more helpful. After all, some people just suck at starting things. That's life.

Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #46 on: June 04, 2017, 12:49:25 am »
Why am I not confident that you listened to anything at all? Look Tara....you write your story. I've tried giving up and you always come back promising you learned "something".


My problems with this story isn't that it needs to be changed. Just that it's missing important details for people to get invested in.

I didn't have an argument, so I didn't have much to say.

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #47 on: June 04, 2017, 03:20:48 am »
Maybe you lack confidence because you keep looking for things to shoot down instead of opportunities for good things to happen. But, what do I know? I'm just a passive observer.
I lack confidence because i dont feel like he understood the problem. A stronger acknowledgement would've given me more confidence such as:

"I understand this character I created has no personality whatsoever. I will make it clear what kind of person she is"

"I see that I'm talking about war but not establishing the country they live in. I will expand on that."

Or

"I understand that I need to stop making Regalia a mystery. I will expand it"
 
Quote
Let's see what happens and try to get Tara to finish a project instead of having you two shaming it to death and then continuing to beat it. Once that is allowed to happen, maybe, just maybe, the creative process of editing will be more helpful. After all, some people just suck at starting things. That's life.


Some people do suck at starting things. But starting bad doesn't create a good foundation. Keyword "Bad" not "Rocky". Its ok to start off rocky every now and then but the flaws i see here will carry to the end. In my experience i noticed when people do write a story and just continue the holes and logic continue, they don't go away, they get worst and once they finish and these issues get pointed out, the reset button has to be pressed. So at this point. Why give criticism at all if well wait for the finish product. The first chapter is the most important chapter. 

When people tell me the flaws in my first chapters I truly try to see where they are coming from. Even if I don't fully agree so long as I understand where they are coming from, I can modify it just a hit so that they can get the picture. Sometimes when no one tells me anything if i just have 5% doubt i didnt make it cear i will review it again.

I had advised multiple times in multiple stories "don't press the reset button". Take the criticism, understand it, and make adjustments and expand.

There are issues with the fundamental parts that make this story. Such as the idea of a dress made of blades and having to be both dancing and  warrior. But lack of creativity. I however noticed when Tara writes a particular character he will unconsciously make them Mary sue. And it's usually the "diverse" character. So even though Tara hasn't mentioned it here, based on patterns from before I KNOW Katherine is a character based on diversity (that and praise dancing and other elements to her character give that away).

It's important to understand what makes good character development. Just being able to wear the armor is one thing. Because you need to understand what a first chapter should have. Comics and manga are much easier.

HematoLogMeIn

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #48 on: June 04, 2017, 12:24:05 pm »
I think you may be missing my point. I'll be more frank.

I believe the things you're pointing out are only symptoms of a larger problem, and constantly trying to band-aid it isn't going to get Tara or anyone here anywhere. From what I understand, Tara hasn't ever really finished a project. Combining that with all that I see does show a lack of understanding of fundamentals, but the fact that it has happened over a span of years suggests that addressing him the same way will only continue the cycle.

That's why instead of worrying about the grammar or story altogether, I'm issuing a challenge: Finish the story. I don't care if the final product looks nothing at all like he'd hoped. Complete something, and from there I believe the creative process will forcibly teach him what y'all cannot seem to get through to him. At this point the only teacher will be experience.

Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #49 on: June 04, 2017, 05:32:20 pm »
There is literally no correlation between Katherine of Blade Regalia and Tamera of FNO. Katherine was selected to be the poster child of the game. I had the name before I knew what it meant, but the general idea of Katherine fit the name pretty well.

Katherine was originally someone who was a fighter. She was a swordsman, but she didn't want to be. She wanted to live a normal life where she didn't have to go to war with fairies and dragons she just wanted to settle down and have a family. She wants a normal life in her weird world. This was before I had any clue what "Blade Regalia" was, and it was never meant to be a thing, it was just the name of the game.

So her outfit was very different, it was designed to look more contemporary, what we would consider normal, pants, shirt, but her fighting style was still the same. The only difference is there was a bit of comedic element to the idea that she's concealing thousands of blades in her t-shirt or in her clothes, it seems more reasonable when you see the blades making up the dress for the actual Blade Regalia.

I'm trying to be very true to the game. But the game itself does not offer me much on her personality, so I'm interested in inventing traits. I think what makes Katherine Katherine is her desire to go against the grain. To fight the odds of her situation, but that's an aspiration. If I were to pick a character trait that goes with that aspiration well I'd say 'stubborn'. 

I will change the exposition too. I want to shorten it and then expand on Katherine during the enlistment. Expand on how hard she would be willing to fight the draft. What the exposition will say is what Regalia is. Regalia is clothing worn by the soul. It is clothing made out that same spiritual energy mixed with nature. So the strength of regalia references how much of that energy is in the material. That is what the new exposition will say. I will take out the reference to the fall of man.

This means that I will be maintaining the same plot.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2017, 05:34:15 pm by Tara »

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #50 on: June 04, 2017, 08:04:13 pm »
There is literally no correlation between Katherine of Blade Regalia and Tamera of FNO. Katherine was selected to be the poster child of the game. I had the name before I knew what it meant, but the general idea of Katherine fit the name pretty well.

Katherine was originally someone who was a fighter. She was a swordsman, but she didn't want to be. She wanted to live a normal life where she didn't have to go to war with fairies and dragons she just wanted to settle down and have a family. She wants a normal life in her weird world. This was before I had any clue what "Blade Regalia" was, and it was never meant to be a thing, it was just the name of the game.

So her outfit was very different, it was designed to look more contemporary, what we would consider normal, pants, shirt, but her fighting style was still the same. The only difference is there was a bit of comedic element to the idea that she's concealing thousands of blades in her t-shirt or in her clothes, it seems more reasonable when you see the blades making up the dress for the actual Blade Regalia.

I'm trying to be very true to the game. But the game itself does not offer me much on her personality, so I'm interested in inventing traits. I think what makes Katherine Katherine is her desire to go against the grain. To fight the odds of her situation, but that's an aspiration. If I were to pick a character trait that goes with that aspiration well I'd say 'stubborn'. 

You technically don't have a game yet. So Katherine staying "true" to the game isn't much and shouldn't be important. But I'm not happy with what you define Katherine as a character.

her is desire to go against the grain? That may be a quality traits but not exactly aspirations. Nor a defining personality. It doesn't fit with the idea that she wants normal life/family. Which is the exact opposite, which is to conform.

Aspirations are closer to goals. For example, Katherine wanting a normal life and wanting a family. Which personally feels off like it's an aspiration created only to go against the main story. Doesn't she already have a normal life? And who is the person she is engaged to? Potential personality defining traits that just randomly thrown in there and done nothing with. 

This is the problem I see with Katherine. Nothing feels real. All of the traits you added are traits any main character can have but Katherine doesn't make it her own. All we see is her enlistment. It's like if Hunger Games started at the very moment where Kat volunteer for her sister. In hunger games we do get some background Kat and her life before gathering the candidates.

A common problem amaeteur writers have with making characters is choosing basic traits anyone can have. For example stubborn is a trait ALL characters can and will eventually show off. Like I said I'm not reviewing this story with the restriction of it having to be used in game word for word. And you shouldn't be writing that way either. Focus on writing a good story period before adapting this story into a video game. The idea of a comic based on game should be that the comic takes it's own pacing that compliments it.

HERE'S HOW I WOULD WRITE KATHERINE:
Katherine has a group of friends in her town or city. You never established where she is so I'll just say there's a town and she lives in a more secluded estate.

She is shown speaking with her friends (some exposition on how it's like to live in this town) until her father or one of his servants demands her back home. When she does she is asked to train and she does very well until she makes one tiny mistake and her father takes advantage of it. Father yells at her for not being perfect. And with careful dialogue reveal that she is being trained to being a soldier as her father made an oath to give her to the church.

Katherine is fed up with hearing the same story and doesn't want her life in control of the church. She runs away on the spot (not getting nu_de or taking any clothes off) she runs into the woods until she meets the man she is in love with. I say that he could be a servant or just a lower class. Someone her family clearly will not approve. She reveals her weaker side to him and he reveals personality traits that make her fall in love with him. They dance casually together in the woods enjoying eachother. After another expositional conversation that helps understand these characters, he proposes to her on the spot. She says yes. A group of guards are yelling through the forest for Katherine. At first Katherine believes it's just her father and his servants. She tells her fiancee she has to go but soon they will run away together and they can live their lives however they want (note that she doesn't specifically want a family just to live her life however she wants against her father's wishes)

They part ways. When she goes back home she sees a handful of royal guards. The captain advises Katherine that she needs to be measured for a Regalia. Katherine asks why since they already did one 6 months ago and they normally do it every 5 years. The captain explains that due to a vision the High priestess had they will be doing an emergency measurement. She agrees complying just so they can leave and she can make her preparations to run away. And when they measure her they find she's a perfect match. They plan on taking her on the spot but decides to defy them. She takes out a couple knights on  her own. The captain is impressed and meets up with her and gives her one last chance to surrender. Katherine shows off a bit of both stubborn and confidence and she fights him. She holds herself really well. Captain noticed small instances when she adds certain dance moves in her fighting. Wanting to end it quickly he activates his regalia and quickly knocks her out.

As she faints she calls out to her boyfriends name. The captain apologizes to her and says there is no other way.

Note: I'm not writing the entire chapter. Just how I would introduce her and how she plays out in just chapter 1. I added more background to her and actually introduced her boyfriend so we can have a better understanding of why she wants a normal life. In my version her life has always been forfeit so her defiance to having a different life than what her father intended not exactly that she wants a normal one.


Quote
I will change the exposition too. I want to shorten it and then expand on Katherine during the enlistment. Expand on how hard she would be willing to fight the draft. What the exposition will say is what Regalia is. Regalia is clothing worn by the soul. It is clothing made out that same spiritual energy mixed with nature. So the strength of regalia references how much of that energy is in the material. That is what the new exposition will say. I will take out the reference to the fall of man.

This means that I will be maintaining the same plot.
I'm not asking you to change it. But you definitely need to expand aspects you seem to ignore. The enlistment itself I suppose could be improved but it's really giving her specific traits.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2017, 08:10:22 pm by Lumaria »

Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #51 on: June 13, 2017, 11:32:02 am »
Getting back from vacation (without internet) and I am working on an update to chapter 1 that I will likely post along with chapter 2.

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #52 on: August 12, 2017, 04:24:08 am »
After a long break. I was curious if the "golden rules" have helped you in anyway or see any improvement on your writing?

You said you will rework this chapter alongside chapter 2.

Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #53 on: August 25, 2017, 11:48:05 pm »
That was indeed the plan, but after a while on developing the actual game, the plans changed on what the graphic novel would be used for. Blade Regalia was designed to be competitive MOBA but with fighting game elements. However, we've decided to develop a single-player campaign for Blade Regalia.

In order to reduce the amount of assets we need to develop we decided to do the cutscenes as an interactive comic strip on the game screen. This means the player would go to an area where normally he would trigger a cutscene, the screen would then fade into the graphic novel shwoing the player 1 panel at a time. Of course we could add options to skip or to show the whole page all at once. We could even add sound effects and voice acting later on.

What this means for us is that I may or may not need to change the plot of the chapters. But any kind of combat, or exploration would be handled in the game engine, and any kind of dialogue or storytelling would be in the comics so I do need to organize the plot accordingly and consider that players may not want to read through too many pages before actually getting to the action.

So for instance, you brought up the idea that soldiers come to Katherine's home. Katherine gets drafted but katherine refuses to go so the soldiers have to take her by force and she fights back. This is where we would end the comic strip, and you would play as Katherine without any regalia and this would be a fight that you have to lose in order to progress through the game.


Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #54 on: September 17, 2017, 02:48:17 am »
Chapter 1: Part 1
Spoiler (hover to show)

I feel more comfortable with the direction I'm taking it this time, but that's all I can really say about it.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2017, 11:49:45 pm by Tara »

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #55 on: September 18, 2017, 06:40:05 pm »
So I'm reading it a couple more times just in case. The vast i.provement cones from your narration. It's straight to the point but leaves a little to be explored later in the story. And no unjarring questions.

So kudos for that. I will continue to read it. My biggest drawback of course is taking to look at this as a game. So I'll do my best to ignore that aspect and work on how well it's executed and what areas you can improve regardless of it being intended for a game.

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #56 on: September 27, 2017, 08:18:17 pm »
So you definitely have more structure this time but you still lacking proper character development.

Katherine is making radical decisions in the first chapter and we learned practically nothing about her or why she is doing what she's doing. I've explained in the golden rules to make these radical actions make sense that you have to show the reader the thought process.



Additionally: you are definitely improving on when exposition should be revealed. But make sure it's addressed naturally. Make note as to why Katherine doesn't know and has to be explained since it appears to be the very basics.

Was this info a secret to the public or is Katherine not aware of the world she lives in and doesn't pay attention to this.



If someone asked me who the president of the United States while we are in the U.S., I will address how weird it is that the person doesn't know at some point when I give the answer.

Same logic should apply in your story when giving basic exposition.

Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #57 on: October 01, 2017, 12:44:21 pm »
I do agree with the points you bring up.

I know that's a bad sign.

Why Katherine is ultimately against being a Regalier is something that I intended to be a mystery in the very beginning. I want us to be able to explore Katherine later on. I did plan to answer some questions about her. Elizabeth herself will be asking the same questions you are, "why is she doing this" so you don't feel wronged for having those same questions.

I definitely did overlook the fact that Katherine seemed to be a bit uneducated compared to the two of them. They should definitely call attention to that. It's funny I made this mistake because later in the chapter there is a point in time where Katherine sees the queen and says "who's that" and a person she's with asks "you should know" in a much less polite way because they're less than friends.

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #58 on: October 01, 2017, 06:49:33 pm »
The shift is a little radical and way too fast. Plot twist work best when you already built something.  It doesnt seem like its worth the pay off to start off like this and explain her actions later. Its already offputting from the start. You dont have to show how she came up with her idea.

Most shonen manga start off a specific take on the character and then usually at the end reveal that they had more potential then initially shown.

The skips you made have plenty of room to fill in more subtle world building.

« Last Edit: October 02, 2017, 03:06:25 am by Lumaria »

Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #59 on: October 31, 2017, 02:02:05 pm »
I've changed some things so that it's much easier to follow along and katherine's motives are more simple.

Chapter 1 Part 1
Spoiler (hover to show)

 

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