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Author Topic: Blade Regalia  (Read 1363 times)

guest4

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #30 on: May 30, 2017, 07:05:43 am »
Here's something I'd like you to know that happened during work not long ago . Two of my work buddies came to me after I've dealt with a customer at the cash counter , after taking a peek at my laptop running behind the shop in the security room . I've used a remote access to access my PC back at home and had this page currently on display just so I can resume composing a feedback when I had the time .
They know of my second job and that I create art and offer critiques to art and recently , writing remotely , whenever I'm at work when I got free time or on security post . I didn't know that you've replied to me on my last post until they came at me laughing .

Me : What's funny behind there ?
Work Buddy 1 : Who's is this Tara ?
Me : Just someone on the internet whom I'm engaging with currently . You read them ?

While letting out a laugh or two , both of my work buddies began explaining things that I've never heard of , so I'm assuming that it's the new reply from you . One of my work buddy took me in to let me read it while the other made an impromptu duty switch with me , just so I can be behind there to read it .

Work Buddy 1 : I can't believe you're still trying to talk sense to him !
Me : You know tha-
Work Buddy 1 : Do your mate a favor and just troll the f*** out of this person ! Or send this person to *Site name undisclosed* ! This guy is so f***ing stupid , he can't see his d*** ! (Word for word , this was his exact response)
Me : Not my job ; going to drop this one anyways once I've presented my feedback and if I received an expected response . (this was after I've read Lumaria's feedback and made some comparison with your older work) . I'm days behind on my one-shot , after all .

The rest of the conversation is basically him reading your posts and pestering me to back him up into trolling you . I'm just busy with the security duty , looking at the monitor . Can't use my laptop , so I can't resume writing my feedback until my shift ends .

As for the other work buddy of mine , he's got a Master Degree on Social Studies (He works in a convenient store because the job demand for his kind of qualification is currently all filled) and if he laughs at what you've written , it becomes self-explanatory . And all mockery aside , that "rude" work buddy of mine is right though and it's understandable how tempting it is for a 'clown-like' person like he is to want to make fun of you , but I'm not interested .

Here's the deal : I won't reply to that post at all if you decide to end it by not even responding to this post . Deal ?

EDIT : I'm only a third way through your story .

Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #31 on: May 30, 2017, 01:53:37 pm »
Very theatrical anecdote you've got there. It's pathetic enough that I'll assume it's true. If his degree in social studies was so useful wouldn't he know the solution to get through to me? Oh wait it's not useful. I love that terminology, "job demand is filled" because there is no "job demand" for that degree. Especially if all the insight it gives you is "just troll the f*** out of this person". I wouldn't hire him either. I think you mean Sociology which is very different from Psychology, which is of course, an actually useful degree that could give you insight on how to win this argument.

I know people with masters degrees who believe I'm a very reasonable person. Doesn't prove anything. All you've done in that post is try to show off how much better your moral principles are than that person. Why? So I'll appreciate your response more? Humans are supposed to be nice to each other. I'm not going to applaud your for doing what's expected.

Here's the deal : I won't reply to that post at all if you decide to end it by not even responding to this post . Deal ?

Here's the deal. You don't have anything constructive to post in this thread, you don't post at all. Grow up and take responsibility for your own post. Don't pretend like it has anything to do with me. I get that this is supposed to appeal to this strange idea you have that I'm a liar trying to appear correct looking for an out to a situation that I can't win, and you're inclined to believe what you want. I'm not desperate for you to stop throwing ad hominems at me. The problem with logical fallacies is when you know the logic is fallacious it's not very compelling. 

What is the argument here anyway? What is in question? My correctitude? Correct about what? Because it's not the work in question. There is so much attack on the man (ad hominem) that I don't even know what the man is arguing that you're against.

guest4

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #32 on: May 30, 2017, 02:07:45 pm »
Quote
Quote
A nu_de woman is frolicking through a beautiful garden conversing with a snake who is wrapped tightly around the branch of a tree producing a foreign fruit.
Unless if it's a radical re-imagining of the said reference , this may have been alot more better if you depict the reference itself . It saves you lots of time and trouble .

Girl : The serpent, though full of lies, knew the best way to make a lie convincing is to put some truth into it. It’s true, after we ate the fruit we became like God. Enlightened, we crafted the first Regalia out of the leaves of the garden which gave us the strength to fend for ourselves.
Better narration required that is readable and understandable to the readers . By reading this , I'm assuming that it's religion-related , so I can't make proper corrections nor I can understand what you're trying to tell me about .

Narrator: People never stopped wanting to become God. War broke out across the land in the rush for power people began to craft stronger, more efficient regalia. They turned soldiers into weapons of mass destruction, and humanity nearly eradicated itself. For the sake of future generations, the art of crafting regalia was taken to our ancestors’ graves. It has been long since forgotten.
Unless the girl's narration is for each setting/scene , group them all as one . Also , better writing required (the corrections made above in red are a few of that corrections on better writing throughout the whole script .

The scene changes to a young girl dressed in the clothing of a traditional nun. We are shown that she is the narrator who spoke. She is in a room of a chapel where many clothes are hung up, a wardrobe of regalia. She is accompanied by a knight in a full suit of armor but no helmet. He is quite tall and middle aged with silver hair cut short and sky blue eyes.
Better writing . Beyond repair on my end . Also , make use of typeface only to indicate a scene/setting , please . No need to tell the readers what it is ...

Girl : Now we wear the regalia left over from the wars handed down over generations for a thousand years. The Regalia I wear fits me purely by coincidence, but it doesn’t suit me at all. It was crafted over a thousand years ago for the arch bishop’s daughter.
Bad arrangement , left as it was , it creates disconnection . If the narrator is the girl , then it's the girl . The early revelation also feels very off , as if it wasn't introduced the right way (so , I crossed that out as it was) .
At the end of this point , I'm very , very lost . The first paragraph , I was thrown into a religious lore , then I'm in a rebellionious era in the next paragraph and before I make the re-arrangement , I was all peaceful . Three different pockets of historical lore narration all not connected to each other very vaguely , the link being solely on Regalia and even so , I still don't know exactly what Regalia is and it's importance that triggers the war . How is it that mere humans able to make God's weapon , and more efficient one at that , without eating the fruit and turning gods themselves ? If they're all gods , whats the point in calling gods 'gods' ? Why is it neccessary to even hide the secret when mere human had already made one better en masse ? Since it's now mass produced , it's no longer a secret anymore , even if you hide it because the other millions would still know how to make them and would most probably inherit all of those knowledge in forging a Regalia to their apperentice , right ? Doesn't that de-values Regalia if all of these happens to just a regular equipment ? Isn't it more sensible to craft something other than Regalia that only the gods themselves has the ability to craft and use ? Why Regalia should still be revered as a royalty equipment in the present ? Don't you think a thousand years is too much to even care to use , treasure or remember for something that a mere peasant can make ? Or that a lot of things can happen over the span of a thousand years , like a radical tactical change in warfare ? Furthermore , just who is this serpent ? Does it have any play in the lore and/or the present event ? What lies ? Is the garden just any garden or some special garden and if it is special , how are mere humans able to attain it , let alone the fruit ? What's the point of the fruit having a role at all if mere humans can make Regalia as well , but better ?

That's a lot of 'holes' being presented just for the lore alone and we haven't even gotten to the actual story yet ... .

Quote
Knight: What do you mean it doesn’t suit you, Lady Helen? Well I’m sure she wasn’t as mature as you, but you love the Lord just as much as she did.

Helen: She was a lot fonder of pink than I am. I would’ve gone for a different color.

Knight: Pink? Your habit is black and white. Wait do you mean-

Better wording and writing .

Helen looks at him. The Knight blushes.

Knight: The underwear?

Helen: Haha, you said underwear!

Knight: I take back what I said about you being mature.

Is this even neccessary ?

Helen: I’m only joking, Lucius. Looks can be deceiving in this day and age. And at my age, most people wouldn’t see a leader in me. But just as God shaped my body to fit into these clothes he called me to this position for a reason.

Lucius: You are the Oracle of Sanctum.

Helen: But I’m not strong enough, not with this regalia.

Lucius: Not strong enough for what?

Helen: I had a vision. There is a new king of Pulvia, his armies will destroy Fort Peter and he will come to this church himself and demand that we bow down and worship him, or be destroyed.

The girl reaches for a dress adorned with many swords entitled the “Blade Regalia”.

Helen: But if I were to wear one of these, the most powerful regalia in all of the land, perhaps, I could have the power to stop him myself.

Lucius: You know you can only draw power from a regalia if it fits you properly. You’re much too small to fit into a dress like that.

Helen: I know but I just hate feeling like this. Demons are among us wearing humans as clothing, thousands of Sanctum’s citizens are suffering in poverty, and now this. And I’m stuck here meditating and reading all day. I feel so useless. I wish I could do more.

Lucius: You’ve done more than enough for all of the people of Sanctum. We are at your service, Helen. If there’s anything you need from me, you need but ask.

She turns to him.

Helen: Then I do have a request. There are four sets of regalia here. I need you to find the people who can fit into these Regalia.
This whole conversation is too casual for royalty standards . Also , lots of question starts popping out from this but all may be easily answered if you provided the character bio , summary , etc. before you post up the chapter .

At this point , I can't be bothered to fix the script for any grammatical , wording , composition , sentence structuring , etc. without having to re-do all of this re-writing myself . I keep encountering one after another pretty much next to each other or as a whole . Also , Regalia = proper nouns .

Quote
The scene changes to a medieval nobleman’s home made of brick. In the garden behind the house a man and a woman are practicing swordplay in a duel against one another. The two fight as equals until the woman makes a sloppy decision. The man takes advantage of the opening and stops his weapon just before her throat as a sign of defeat.

The Man: It’s not like you to be this sloppy, Katherine. Something on your mind?

Katherine: Sorry, Dad, I just -

The Father: Your enemy won’t let you get away with that sloppy performance

Katherine: I don’t want to join the military, Dad.

The Father: Katherine, you know it’s our duty to serve our country as a Knight of noble blood.

He places his hand on her shoulder. Understanding her distress.

The Father: Sometimes we have to do things we don’t like, it’s a part of life. . . I think that’s enough practice for today. We’ll pick it up tomorrow.

Katherine: Alright.

Later that afternoon, Katherine is sitting on a bench in the garden reading a book. An older woman walks up to her.

The Woman: Katherine, this is second time you’ve missed dance rehearsal, you know they need you in the praise team.

Katherine: Sorry, Mom, but I’m old enough to start looking for a husband, and I

The Mother: That’s no reason to skip out on your obligations to the church

Katherine: Am I not allowed to feel excited about this?

The Mother: Katherine. You need to get your priorities straight. Who comes first? God or-

Katherine: Well the church and God are two different things-

The Mother: Katherine! Not another word.

The father approaches them accompanied by two members of the church, a blonde woman and a brown-haired man.

Katherine (Thinking): Inquisitors? But we already had our examinations this year.

The Blonde: Sorry to interrupt Mrs. Smith, but prophet Helen has ordered that we perform a physical examination of all citizens. Do not be alarmed, this is purely routine.

The Mother: Of course, this is my only daughter, Katherine.

The Blonde: It’s nice to meet you, Katherine. My name is Evie Thompson, and I’ll be your examiner today.

The scene changes to a more private room within the house where Evie is taking Katherine’s measurements. Stripped down to her undergarments, Katherine isn’t the least bit embarrassed; in fact, she is holding a conversation with the inquisitor.

Are you trying to make an erotic story here ? If not , this is absolutely unneccessary

Katherine: I swear talking to them is like talking to a brick wall. I don’t want to serve in the military. I wouldn’t have to if I married out of this family. I just want to be able to settle down, have a family and live a normal life.

Evie: Amen to that.

Evie’s eyes widen as she takes the last measurement.

Evie (Speaking to herself): You-you’re a perfect fit.

Katherine: Excuse me?

Evie: Get dressed, quickly.

Evie leaves the room as Katherine puts her clothes back on.

Katherine: What was that all about?

Katherine (Thinking): “perfect fit” . . . for a regalia?

Evie returns with the other inquisitor.

The Man: Ms. Smith, we need you to come with us.

Evie: I’m really sorry about this, Katherine.

The inquisitors take Katherine to the Cathedral where Helen was speaking with Lucius. The take her to the wardrobe room where only Helen and two others were waiting, a boyish young man and a young woman no older than Katherine. Katherine quickly bows down with her head to the ground.

Helen: Please, tell me your name.

Katherine: Katherine Angela Smith, I’m at your service, ma’am.

Helen kneels down and pulls Katherine’s head up by her chin.

Helen: Rise up Katherine, for this is a momentous occasion. Sanctum is in a time of crisis. The armies of Pulvia have risen up under a new king. Our armies are not strong enough to face this new enemy and so we must take advantage of the regalia left behind by our ancestors

Katherine’s eyes widen and she remembers Evie’s mysterious apology.

Katherine (Thinking): Eli . . .

Helen: The Lord has chosen you three to wear the regalia because you are the only ones who can.

Katherine (Thinking): Eli . . .

Helen: You are our last line of defense. You will have the power to move mountains at your fingertips. Say goodbye to your normal lives.

Katherine (Thinking): Lema sabachthani!

Translation: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
I would've given you an F on your English for such an amateur mistake in writing . Do you call your own father or somebody else's father 'The father' ? The blonde ? What blonde ?

http://www.englishpage.com/articles/a-an-vs-the.htm

You don't refer a random person or an unidentified person making that perticular dialogue by adding 'the' . This is the first time in my entire life reviewing stories written in script form that does this .If it's a random man initiating that dialogue , call it 'Man' . If there are more than two man initiating seperate multiple dialogues but you want to make the readers know who is speaking what dialogue , give them visual cue(s) e.g : Blonde man and Ugly-looking man . If the unidentified man had a relation with another person , specify it e.g : Martha's dad , Peaface's twin brother .
Incomplete , but do I have any reason to finish this anymore ?

I'll take my leave .

EDIT : Document dumping .

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #33 on: May 30, 2017, 08:02:45 pm »
My biggest problem is that Katherine will be falling under Mary sue territory. A character who has no real flaw that defines her and yet be the center of attention. She's already a character who has been given high expectations and not a seed of doubt other than her own (which is not a flaw) praise dancing in itself I find an excuse. She doesn't need to be a praise dancer, she can be just a dancer. I do believe praise dancing isn't even a commonly accepted form of worship so it conflicts with this world you're trying to set up.

I don't know 100% if De Angelus is saying this is, but the Religion aspects are indeed so heavy handed. This doesn't feel like a natural world. When it comes to your previous stories you always had an agenda and the story and characters were always in the backseat while your focus was your agensa. So every single time we reviewed something and the flaws showed up you reveal your true intentions.

I feel like you want to use Blade Regalia to express your religious beliefs. And that's not a problem if you only focused on what made a good story and character. You have to genuinely ask yourself " Do I absolutely need this in my

I can forgive bad grammar if you at least have a good basic story.  It's a decent start but you're lagging in both creativity department and . But I agree the vast majority of the issues with grammar are a bit overwhelming. I'm hoping that for now this was just a rushed job and you have more to share. But every time we are going "somewhere" you hit the reset button.

So I do hope you stick around and actually refine the story rather than just constantly pressing the reset button.

Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #34 on: May 30, 2017, 11:15:49 pm »
I want to preface this reply by saying that this is a graphic novel. I appreciate what both of you are doing, but the topic of word choice and grammar, except in the case of dialogue, is completely irrelevant to me because the reader will not see panels that say "the scene changes" the reader will see the scene that it was changed to. If you're having trouble imagining what I'm describing, that is different and worth looking into.

The script does not exist. The storyboard does not exist, the only thing I'm worried about is the final product. The script and the storyboard are purely a means to an end. Imagine you were complaining to me that the images on the storyboard were poorly drawn. That does not help the final product at all. I know that's an easy thing to poke at, but you will reduce clutter by doing so and make it easier for me to understand the things that actually do need improvement.

I am the illustrator. I am the color artist. I am the background artist. Not you. The storyboard works for me, then that's how I'll do it, the script works for me, that's how I'll do it. The final product is designed for you, that's how I'll do it.

My agenda:
I have 118 characters each with their own distinct abilities appearances and backgrounds and my task is to build some continuity between them through a serial work that introduces characters in the order in which they are released into the game. It is my personal decision to acknowledge the church that has supported the development of Blade Regalia. This is the reason why there are religious constructs brought up in this story. For the sake of writing the story, the answer is no, not one of these 118 characters is even slightly necessary, and no, the religious constructs are not necessary either.

@Lumaria

My biggest problem is that Katherine will be falling under Mary sue territory. A character who has no real flaw that defines her and yet be the center of attention. She's already a character who has been given high expectations and not a seed of doubt other than her own (which is not a flaw) praise dancing in itself I find an excuse. She doesn't need to be a praise dancer, she can be just a dancer. I do believe praise dancing isn't even a commonly accepted form of worship so it conflicts with this world you're trying to set up.


I will take note of this, and approach it in the next rendition. The reason why I did not make her a regular dancer is because it seemed odd to have both obligations as a future soldier and a dancer. These two things seemed like tasks that you would specialize in. I would think that not every blacksmith was also a tailor and a carpenter. But if it was for the church we could excuse the multiple tasks as the church would often be a second obligation, like paying tithes is just like a second tax from the government. The purpose of this is to give her immediate skill in the task of dancing. This could be something for her to learn later. This is not something that's necessary, nor is it something that I care about personally.

So I do hope you stick around and actually refine the story rather than just constantly pressing the reset button.

I do intend to release another rendition and I will aim towards making things as visual as possible for you as the reviewer.

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #35 on: May 31, 2017, 01:41:59 am »
My agenda:
I have 118 characters each with their own distinct abilities appearances and backgrounds and my task is to build some continuity between them through a serial work that introduces characters in the order in which they are released into the game. It is my personal decision to acknowledge the church that has supported the development of Blade Regalia. This is the reason why there are religious constructs brought up in this story. For the sake of writing the story, the answer is no, not one of these 118 characters is even slightly necessary, and no, the religious constructs are not necessary either.


And this is Why it absolutely has to be distinct from the video game. I can't tell you how to make a good story as a game. A video game involves a lot more. You can forgive a lot of pacing issues because players usually have control of the pacing. The story telling is through player control. Translating this as a "graphic novel" just doesn't seem to work.

But with that said you just proved how much you push your agenda against the story where it is in red. I want to clarify that everyone has some form of agenda in their story. We all have our own bias and anyone telling you they are unbias is a liar.

The goal should always be to make a good story first, agenda second. You cannot force an agenda into a story.  And this is a problem with a lot of christian-based (not christian-inspired) books. They come off more preechy than entertaining. When You saying the 118 characters you made up aren't necessary or the religious constructs. Then you are admitting that you are not in it to improve your writing.

The religious construct at it's core is a basic aspect of your story. But nothing as to why it's the only one. Manga have covered A lot of religious ideas before. Difference Is they wanted you to get invested in a world where religion is an important aspect to them and how it effects the characters. It usually moves the story forward in less direct ways.

But in yours, it feels a little too preechy. You immediately have God giving direct visions to one of the Head priestess, and immediately taking action. Here these characters loyalty to  their God  is the main selling point (which you have correlated with the Christian God) . Nothing else is moving these characters forward.

Especially when absolutely nothing else exists in this world.  Good story first, agenda second. If the agenda is getting in the way of a good story. Sacrifice the agenda. Because if you can't write a good story,


Quote
I will take note of this, and approach it in the next rendition. The reason why I did not make her a regular dancer is because it seemed odd to have both obligations as a future soldier and a dancer. These two things seemed like tasks that you would specialize in. I would think that not every blacksmith was also a tailor and a carpenter. But if it was for the church we could excuse the multiple tasks as the church would often be a second obligation, like paying tithes is just like a second tax from the government. The purpose of this is to give her immediate skill in the task of dancing. This could be something for her to learn later. This is not something that's necessary, nor is it something that I care about personally.
dancing doesn't have to be an "obligation". But the problem is that you're trying to make everything too on the nose. If you want her to be a dancer and a warrior that's fine. But honestly you lack so much creativity.

First of all, why does she have to be a warrior? A common trope in any writing is that they take a skill they already know and apply it to the skill they need to acquire.

So Katherine immediately being skilled at both just makes such a lack lister character. It proves you weren't thinking about a good character developing or how the story will progress, you were only focused on how it fits as a game character.

As an interesting plot point of the Blade Regalia is suppose to reach it's maximum potential by having both skills as a warrior and dancer, then it would be more entertaining I'd she was skilled in only one of them at first as she trains on the other.

But to be honest, with this story moving for a strong religious tone. Regalia as a form of war just don't seem to male any sense. Especially a "Blade Regalia". It makes sense if it wasn't trying to be based on the Christian God and just invent one for the story. But you refuse to focus on telling a good story.



HematoLogMeIn

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #36 on: May 31, 2017, 08:44:02 am »
Christ, you guys love to bicker. I'll leave this thread open so that when I get back from classes I can read for myself and try to provide an outside opinion. In the meantime, try not to tear each other to threads with harsh reviews and offensive defensiveness.

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #37 on: May 31, 2017, 03:30:26 pm »
I do want to mention my main concern is story. And my worries come from many reviews from the same person. I don't want to be harsh but I do say what I feel is the problem with these stories.

And usually in this case it's the writer. The same mistakes tend to repeat.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2017, 09:00:02 pm by Lumaria »

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #38 on: June 01, 2017, 12:17:46 am »
All right, so yes, some of the writing is a bit confusing, but I could easily follow what was going on for the most part once I understood that sometimes what we think and what words spill out on the keyboard aren't the same (or even close). At this point, it does take some (a lot of) mental fill-in-the-blanks, and depending on the audience, that may be a thorn in your side.

I've never seen Akame ga Kill; however, the vibe I get from this is more Witchblade than say, Marchen Awakens Romance. Just because the idea is "basic" doesn't mean it's not usable. If anything, I'd recommend looking at those stories and seeing what works and what doesn't. Things to keep in mind are the stakes that the characters are fighting against and the drawbacks of using power, even if it's an outside tool.

You can nit-pick and edit and reedit and so on until infinity with grammar, syntax, punctuation, spelling, etc., but when it comes to the first few drafts, it's all about organizing the themes and plot points into something at least semi-coherent. It seems Lumaria and DeAngelus are...how do I put this?...quite focused on that "incompleteness". I wouldn't worry about it too much, since it's all part of the creative process. Eventually, after going back for the fifth or so draft, you'll probably get to that coherency that they're demanding. Words are hard. Let them come out like a jumbled mess at first. Once they're on a page, they're easier to manage, I find.

As weird as this advice may be, I'm going to suggest also looking into tactics that actors use to depict their characters. Most of my friends are theatre majors, and I'm one of the few in the English department. I've learned a lot from them, how each character has a motive, how they push, pull, punish, and reward, and that a monologue has to start with the feeling that the listener will immediately shut down the speaker and disregard them. It provides tremendous insight into how characters function, and it seems to have helped me understand a few things along my way.

Lumaria

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #39 on: June 01, 2017, 12:46:27 am »
For the record I tried this approach before. It doesn't always work for everyone. The cycle of reviews when we try that approach is 1) We trust that there is more 2) reveal the odd character traits and odd pacing 3) revealed how it's connected to a very bad idea that doesn't help move the story forward. 4) he presses the reset button and asks us to trust that the new version is better even though the process repeats.

However I don't want the entire story. But just enough to lay a proper foundation. There were still too many gaps for basic comprehension of the plot and themes.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2017, 04:26:20 am by Lumaria »
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Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #40 on: June 01, 2017, 08:54:11 pm »
I have added a new rendition of chapter 1. This one is more lengthy than the previous works and is separated in to the Prologue/introduction, the exposition and the actual chapter in case you would like to review them separately. This version also introduces more of the plot. I've paid attention to being as straightforward with everything as possible. While I was told that many things did indeed need work, I paid more attention to making everything as obvious as possible and applying the right context to each situation. (Of course the prologue is meant to be a bit more mysterious)

I do not intend to make any drastic changes to this chapter. I do intend to move on to chapter 2 shortly after this, but I am willing to make smaller changes, like certain actions, responses and dialogue.

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #41 on: June 02, 2017, 01:06:52 am »
Key to having a good prologue is that it shouldn't interfere with the first chapter but also compliment the story. The way you wrote the prologue feels like it is meant to be an actual chapter we will see down the line.

Manga/Graphic Novels/Comics usually don't need prologue (as much as DC and Marvel would like to convince you that they do) At least a dedicated chapter called prologue. This looks like you'll be using it in future chapters so its not necessary.

 
As for chapter 1. You did absolutely nothing to fix or expand some glaring holes on Katherine. Rather than making sense of the mess you had or rewrite it to something that does make sense, you removed it entirely. And the story is still told rather than shown to is. Why should I care about Katherine's love life?

I am not drawn to the conversation between Evie and Katherine. It's an excuse not to give us proper character development. You just threw her in the middle of it all.

You have ideas in what to reveal but you are not trying to out yourself in your readers shoes. And because of that, you dont reveal them in a natural way. This is your #1 issue. 

I'm not being pulled into this story...

Things I believe are absolutely necessary to establish on the first chapter.

#1) Who is Katherine. What's she like? What are her aspirations and why. You don't have to completely give us the break down of each asoect but enough that it feels established and keep readers at bay. Readers should be able to describe her.

#2) What's the setting we are looking at? Is this  and what is it like? The story wants to address a war or something in that fashion is about to occur. So why should we be concerned if we don't even habe enough to care? This mat sound like a ridiculous aspect to focus on. But I assure you for your type of story. It is not.

#3) So you seem to avoid directly telling us what Regalia are. Although the images give us a basic odea. The narration is sloppy. You cannot just casually bring up that man created Regalia. A better idea is first identifying what it is, then giving the name. There is absolutely no need to be cryptic.


This is usually the problem with allowing the "mess" to remain. Because you don't focus on what the chapter should accomplish. You only focus on what readers should know but not establish why they should care. Remember back then every time I asked you why as a reader we should care? You never answered the question. You never tried to put yourself in that mindset. Which was frustrating. Because we can't help you until you force yourself to go outside of your head and read your story like it was someone else's.

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #42 on: June 02, 2017, 11:26:05 am »
In a vast green garden , dotted with patches of colorful flowers and trees bearing vibrant fruits with radiant light illuminating the scene , giving a heavenly-like setting . Under a tree , a naked female figure stands under it , staring at a fruit hanging within' arms reach .

Narration : The forbidden fruit - bearer of gift and knowledge of Gods , comes at a sinful price when touched or eaten . In God's Will - whomever touches or consumes it shall be punished for giving in to their temptation - a banishable punishment no different than death itself . No one in the heavens under the god's protection and guidance had ever dared to defy it , or so it was .

A serpent slithering down from the tree , staring at the girl with a sinister look , evoking fear in her as she's unable to avert gaze .

Narration : "Why do you resist such temptation ?" the serpent speaks , "Is it because you can't defy God's Will ? You fear 'His' wrath ? With this gift , you can gain 'His' gift and be god yourself and you don't have to fear 'Him' no longer . You no longer need 'His' guidance and 'His' embrace anymore - you are ... free , free to do what you wish for , hope for or more , free from everything , even from all of sins you had before . Isn't it a blessing to be one step closer to understanding God himself ?"

The fruit on her hand with a piece of it being eaten away . A glowing , warm light shines from a distance .

Narration : Believing the serpent's words , she consumes the fruit . A flow of enlightenment and soothing feeling coarse through the body . A thunderous sound , enough to rattle hearts soon follows - she faints from it . In her unconscious mind , she had realized that she gave herself in to temptation - the divine punishment - she accepts the fate that befalls onto her .

In a stone-walled building , decorated with draperies with a similar emblem on all and several chandeliers strewn on the walls and on the roof . The center of it , a large bed befitting of a royalty is where she lies with a beam of light shining down on her while being cared for by a few people in nun-outfit . At the distance , there are hundreds of people either on their knees and palm together or having their foreheads touching the floor .

Narration : Upon opening her eyes , she was in unfamiliar place . She attempts to flee in fear , only to be stopped by a person tending to her . She weeps and pleas to her for her blessing , similar pleas echoes throughout the chamber . "Please God , bless us with your protection !" . While in a state of disbelief , a ray of light beams down onto her . Looking up , she can feel a familiar warmth - she closes her eyes , embracing that warmth . "Redemption is a form of purification . Answer the needs , and you shall be forgiven" , the God spoke to her in her mind - A feeling of hope and faith came flowing back within her , knowing that she wasn't forsaken . Following God's Will , she seeks redemption , she answers to their pleas , her power and knowledge of the Gods coarse through her body .

By the window of the chamber she's in . Beyond it , a city under fire with several hundreds of people within the area holding back close to a thousand people from approaching the inner castle gate , all clad in armors and swords . Under the window emits a bright light with her in the center of it , surrounded by several dozen people , all awe-struck .

Narration : Gazing out through the window , she's witnesses and hears the same plea for help from the suffering . Fully understanding their prayers , she grabs on to a sword and a piece of plate armor lying all damaged on the ground nearby and recites her prayer faithfully while holding the two pieces close to her . A warm , bright light emanates from her , putting people within' the vicinity in an awe-struck state . In that light , the armor and the sword was seen by those with keen eyes , transforming itself into something new , something different .

In the same chamber , several soldiers outfitting themselves with the equipments blessed by the girl . The remaining soldiers are seen carrying remnants of armors and swords from outside the chamber into the chamber and being placed in front of her while she continues her prayer .

Narration : "Wear them with God's blessings" , she blesses one of the soldier as she offers it to him in the chamber . "Offer me all of this and I shall bless them all in God's Name !" as she holds up a broken sword and damaged breastplate . Standing in the middle of the chamber , surrounded by all the damaged equipments that the soldiers could salvaged , she recites her prayers again .

*Two-parts panel*
(Panel A) In a middle of a burning town not far from the castle , several dozens of soldier clad in blessed equipment fighting along other soldiers in normal equipment against the opposing force , with some from the opposing force displaying a fearful face . In a distance , a ray of light can be seen emanating from the castle .
(Panel B) Several surviving soldiers clad in the new armor and sword thrusting their sword into the air while watching the fleeting opposing force on top of the walls , expressing their victory in a glorious manner


Narration : With the Gods by their side , they had a renewed faith and motivation - they fought back the invading forces . Witnessing the newfound power and determination of these soldier clad in the new armor and weapon , the opposing forces were struck in fear as their numbers started dropping rapidly . Despite the number odds , the tide was turned . Fighting a now losing battle , the opposing forces are forced to retreat - victorious at last . After months of war , they stood on top of the wall , thrusting their sword up in the air , they owe their thanked the Gods for granting the peace the kingdom had hoped for Feeling the need to thank the Gods , they went back into the castle to offer their upmost , lifelong gratitude , only to be faced with the shocking 'message' ...

In the throne room . The girl standing in the middle of it radiating light and steadily turning translucent while a beam of light shine down on her is seen comforting a few weeping people dressed in a nun outfit who are holding onto her while kneeling . Several soldiers in the foreground standing by the doorway in a state of shock .

Narration : "I have redeemed myself . I must go back to the heavens to be by God's side ..." she solemnly bids them farewell . As insistent they are , they know they can't hold her back down - she do not belong here . "O' blessed God , before you ascend , I wish to know your name , I beg of you !" they pleaded . "Regalia" , she answered , just before she disappears . There was a moment of solemn silence in the throne room , until someone breaks the silence with two words ...

In the throne room , present day . Behind the throne , a series of chevettes housing 'God-blessed' armors and swords that are worn by the soldiers in the past . A girl dressed in a princess outfit is seem standing next to a man clad in helm-less armor with silver-long hair , both looking at one of the equipments displayed .

Princess : "Regalia Blade" . They find honoring her Gift on behalf of the Gods by naming the equipments she had blessed for them after her the best way . And for more than a hundred years , it's been kept here , awaiting the next batch of heroes to adorn them , continuing the God's Will that had been bestowed on the previous bearers . *Touches one of the armor*

Knight : Your majesty ...

Princess : One of this set is the one I can wear and had been for years . I wonder if I could find the others who will adorn the rest of these alongside me ...

Knight : Your majesty !

Princess : Didn't I warn you to not refer me to 'your majesty' , Lucius ? I'm too young to be a queen yet and most importantly , I have a name *frowns face* !

Lucius : P-pardon my impoliteness , Princess Helen *lowers head* ...

Helen : ... do you want me to-

Lucius : Anything but that , Helen . Please don't chop off my 'pride' again ! *shivers in fear while grabbing onto his hair*

A flashback of Lucius and Helen back when they were teenagers . Helen is seen swinging a practice sword recklessly and accidentally shaving off most of Lucius's long hair off his head . Lucius wore an expression of disbelief .

Helen : *Sigh* I kind of wish that you'd treat me the same way before when you didn't know I am a princess - as friends . Can you drop all of that honorifics and talk casually , please ? We're not in a 'Royalty' situation here ...

Lucius : O ... kay ... *lowers head* ... um , may I know the reason you call me here ?

Helen : ... I had a 'vision' again .

Lucius : The same 'vision' ?

Helen : *Nods head* But this time , it feels too real to be disbelieved . The enemy we're fighting with in the past ... it seems as if they had something in their possession that will bring this kingdom down ...

Lucius : You are the Oracle of Sanctum (still figuring out this one . If I find it absolutely unnecessary , I'd modify this dialogue) ! To top it off , you are one of the stron-

Helen : *Shakes head* No , I'm actually not as strong as the God's foretold . Not even a strong as what the new king of Pulvia had in my vision . He ... he armed an army and obliterated Fort Peter with it ...

Lucius : Impossible ...

Helen : *Gloomy* ... *Turns head while clenching fist and putting on a serious face* I've decided . Lucius , I have an order for you !

A bird's eye view of the city center not far from the castle gate and the castle , stone buildings with wooden support beams , some single storey and others two encircles a central plaza with a large , female statue wearing an armor and wielding a sword with a large engraving 'Lady Regalia , God's Messenger , Goddess of (Whatever Kingdom it is , it doesn't have a name until now . So I'll shamelessly name this unnamed kingdom Mirdgar)' being the center of it . A consecutive , successive rings of building of similar architecture radiates outwards from the center , dotted with stalls throughout the city center and far in the background , an outer wall is seen , surrounded by several hills and dense forest . The general populace that populates the city a dressed in a typical Medieval Renaissance outfit , ranging from the lower-end commoners to high-end influential with the addition of soldiers in armor and nuns and monks patrolling around .
City of Mirdgar , several days later ...

A common-looking house . An anvil , a hammer and a furnace are seen on it's side and a straw dummy partially hidden behind the house . Sound of steel clashing on to each other can be heard from behind .

Young girl : *Falls on to the ground* Gyaa-auch !

Middle-aged Man : Pick up your sword . Let's try again !

Young girl : ... no .

Middle-aged Man : I'm teaching you what's necessary to become a soldier , my dear Katherine . It's in your blood ! The same thing as me , your grandfather , your -

Katherine : I'm not interested in your "sweat-y" talk , smelly-pops !

Katherine's father : Wha-

Katherine : *Hurls the practice sword in her hand high up into the air* Bleergh ! *teasing*

Katherine's father : My blood and sweat ! Why you ungrateful ...

A series of chase scenes between Katherine and her father throughout the city which ends in the slums close to the outer walls of the city . Along the way , a series of incidents and mishaps had occurred and an exchange of teases and aggravation between Katherine , her father and the commoners caught in-between had been made

Katherine's father : *Pants heavily* Hah ... hah ... if only I was as young as I was before , I could've caught her ... curses !

Katherine : *Looking from afar* Heh , old man will always be an old man . Well then , I guess I can't return back to my house for today ... time to take a stroll around here then .

In the slums , clay and wooden shacks sporadically strewn throughout the area , most of it close to the wall itself . Several people , all in rags , some looks malnourished and/or covered in dirt are seen outside certain few shacks either sitting doing nothing at all , begging or sleeping .

Katherine : *Kicks a pebble* Blasted old man ... he just can't stop with the Gods teachings and all of that other ""Regalia" this , "Regalia" that" ... *slightly gloomy* it's not that I do not respect what he is and who he follows and does . It's just that -

An act of bullying happening in front of Katherine involving two teenage guy and a little girl

Thug 1 : Oioioi , when are you going to pay for my "healing" fees , huh !? *points at his "injured" foot* Just look at it !

Thug 2 : Yeah , pay us , you slum trash ! The "Gods" had spoken to me - he wants your "OFFERINGS" to be given to us as a sign of "forgiveness" !

Little girl : Ahh ! Hic ... hic ... *Cries in pain from getting beaten up*

Katherine : ... *sighes*

Thug 1 : This is my 'Blessings' to you , you poor being ! Now give me your OFF-fuuergh ... *Faints as he got hit at the back of the head by Katherine with a wooden plank*

Katherine : A faint-worthy knockout touch by the Gods ... now that's a way to send your consciousness briefly up to the heavens , eh ?

Thug 2 : *Briefly confused and stunned* Eh !? Buddy , who was b-Bffuth ! *Faints after getting smashed in the face with the flat-side of the wooden plank by Katherine*

Katherine : That's me ! Forgive me for that , good sir ! *looks at the little girl* ... are you okay , little girl ?

Little girl : Hic ... hic ... I'm okay but I'm scared now ...

Katherine : Scared of ... them ?

Little girl : No , what if the Gods do punish me for not redeeming myself for what I've done to them ?

Katherine : ... *wearing a dissatisfied expression*

Little girl : Sis ... ter ? *perplexed*

Katherine : *Snaps out from brief silence* A-ah , s-sorry about that . I don't think the Gods would punish you ! I-I mean , he-uh , God can tell if you're in the wrong or not and judging from this , I think you did nothing wrong . No need for you to redeem yourself , little girl . I mean look at them , they're the ones who got punished instead ! See ?

Little girl : Umm ... *nods and gives off a grin before leaving Katherine , grateful*

Katherine : ... "Gods" , huh ? *Thinking back about the answer she had given to the little girl*

Flashbacks of Katherine when she was just a little kid holding dearly onto a lifeless body of her mother in tattered clothes while crying her lungs out , in the middle of a ruined village while soaked under a heavy downpour . Her father , clad in full , helm-less armor was seen kneeling close to her , in tears as well

Katherine : ... tch ! *Kicks a pebble with a lot of force , hitting one of the downed thugs , wearing an irritated expression and walks away right after that*

In a narrow corridor at dawn that leads back to the town center , several angry-looking man wielding a blunt weapon is seen blocking Katherine's way in front , with one of the man who was beaten up by her before standing alongside them

Thug 1 : Where do you think you're going , ma'am ? You haven't 'redeem' yourself by paying me the 'healing' fees for the injuries you've caused ...

Katherine : ... oh ... *runs*

Thug 1 : Get her !

A series of scenes of Katherine getting chased by a group of angry thugs in the town center , ending with her just barely able to shake off her pursuers by getting past the guards guarding the gate and right into the castle through one of the opened window , while they're not looking

Katherine : *Pants heavily* hah ... hah ... haaah ... that was close ... now I've got to figure out how to get out of-

Humming sounds are being made at the other side of the wall where Katherine is that gets louder as time passes by

Katherine : Damn it , I got to move out of this room quickly before they decide to come in here !

A series of scenes of Katherine sneaks her way past the Prayer Hall where the praying was heard and into an opened door located behind the altar the moment she wasn't being watched

Katherine : *Lets out a big sigh of relief* Another lucky escape , another big problem . What luck ...

In a throne room at night with a few candles being lit , completely unguarded . Katherine is seen walking into the room .

Katherine : This is the throne room ? I'm surprised that there are no guards here ... well , no harm in a little tour that will never happen for someone like me , huh ?

Katherine tours around the throne room like a curious cat , ending up in front of a series of chevettes that houses the Armor and Sword of Regalia .

Katherine : What are these ? They sure look like it's made for royalty but aren't they a tad bit too ... ornate ? Could the- ... hmm ? Something's off with the wall in the middle of all of these ...

Katherine gently touches the wall in question . A loud thud was made

Katherine : *Panicking* Eek ! W-w-what !

The wall in front of Katherine opens up , revealing an unknown hidden chamber , prompting her to hide herself behind a long drapery nearby to avoid any possible trouble

Katherine : ... no one came out from there ? Phew ... that totally startled me real good . I wonder what's behind there ... *Slowly peeks into the hidden chamber*

In the center of the hidden chamber , a similar Armor and Sword of Regalia lies on an ornate altar , only in bad condition and had it's color peeled right off it . Surrounding the altar are numerous statues of warrior-like figures in a prayer pose all looking towards the altar . A beam of light shines on to the throne that seemingly came from nowhere .

Katherine : That's the same kind of equipment I saw outside here but it looks so badly rusted ... *briefly touches on a piece of the broken armor*

In a private sleeping chamber in the same castle

Helen : *Suddenly wakes up from her slumber in a state of shock* !!! ... what's this I'm feeling ... *stares at the bedroom door that's currently bleeding out warm light at her* this ... this can't be ...

*Chapter 1 End*

Tara

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #43 on: June 03, 2017, 06:23:27 pm »
I will make some changes but I want to maintain the same plot. I'm interested in moving on to chapter 2.

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Re: Blade Regalia
« Reply #44 on: June 03, 2017, 10:09:03 pm »
Why am I not confident that you listened to anything at all? Look Tara....you write your story. I've tried giving up and you always come back promising you learned "something".


My problems with this story isn't that it needs to be changed. Just that it's missing important details for people to get invested in.

 

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